“Breaking Dawn, Part 2”

The end of the Twilight series. “Happy, happy vampires” should be the subtitle.

There are so many jokey things to be said about this movie and this whole take on the vampire world that I find myself overwhelmed and almost unable to proceed. However, much like the filmmakers and the actors in this film, I will drag myself up out of the well of depression it puts me in and carry bravely on with a smile on my face. And that’s about all you get from the actors in Breaking Dawn, Part 2.  Big, radiant smiles. Perfect teeth, dimples, sparkly eyes, good hair and great camaraderie.

Of course they have so much to be happy for: a new baby girl, half-human/half-vampire, who looks like a thirty-five year old man and ages very quickly into a serious little hippie child; a “newborn” vampire in Bella, extra strong, extra hungry, fiercely defending the child she sees once or twice a day and leaving her, most of the time, in the care of a werewolf who can’t stop grinning and taking off his shirt; and a nice house in the country, two actually. Their enemies – it’s a movie so there has to be enemies – are far, far away and nobody’s on Facebook, so they’ll never know that rules have been broken. Until it’s time to end the movie.

You don’t need to be one of the 100 million people who have read the book to follow along because the filmmakers stop the flow of perfectly lit head shots of their happy, happy cast every ten minutes to fill you in on what is happening, has happened, and might happen in the future by way of a short speech and a few minutes of tear-filled or terror-stricken eyes to indicate that, perhaps, all is not so perfect in Abercrombie and Fitch vampire land. There really isn’t any need for plot or acting because most of the characters have some kind of extra-sensory perception that allows them to just know everything that is happening. No need to think, just wait for the next cut away and all will be known. Then we can get back to the pretty pictures of the pretty people, with their pretty smiles.

As in the past episodes in the Twilight series, Kristen Stewart leaves me wondering WHY? When she isn’t smiling she looks like she has gas. At least becoming a vampire has given her the strength to finish a sentence. Robert Pattinson still looks right and looks left and that is the full assortment of his looks. In this final episode he is smiling whereas before he was suffering, so he has added that to his repertoire.

The final battle is fun. Michael Sheen shows up and actually brings a real sense of humor. One older vampire on Sheen’s side in the battle gets the biggest laugh when he spreads his arms and lifts his head toward heaven as he is attacked by two vampire Hobbits from somewhere in Italy or Romania and, with tremendous relief, says, “Finally.” It is as though he speaks for all of us. The subtext is, “Finally, this nonsense is over.”

I have a feeling that is why all the actors are smiling so much. They are glad it’s over and they are all a whole lot richer than they were before America fell for the glittery, Martha Stewart-style vampire.

Breaking Dawn, Part 2 opens right under your nose on Friday, November 16^th.