The answers are history

There’s nothing like a new chapter. A clean slate. A page turn in your journal where there’s nothing in front of you – and more important, a clear separation from what’s behind you. It’s all still there, granted, but it’s really more just history than anything else. And since I’m not much of a historian anyway, I fully intend to break the belief that history has to repeat itself in relationships.

In my opinion, history lessons are just that – lessons. You live and you learn. And sometimes you’re given a pop quiz and you fail. But it’s probably not because you weren’t prepared; it’s because you didn’t go with your instincts. You may have given the popular answer, the one you had memorized or even the one you told your friends you were going to use. But the reality is, when it comes to life’s multiple choice questions, most of us actually do know the “right” answer – whether we choose it or not.

Over the years and especially during the past couple months, I have learned that when you try too hard to rewrite your relationship history, it becomes fiction. And then who are you, if not just some character? And who would want to coauthor a story so synthetic when there is real, genuine history to be made?

So I’ve decided to be really, really real. More real than ever before. But more than that, I’m going to be really, really communicative. Not only is honesty the best policy, sins of omission may be the most unpardonable in a relationship. Although we’ve all been told since a very young age exactly what to do if we “can’t say anything nice,” I’m going to have to disagree (sorry, Mrs. Zinke). At this moment in my life, I’d rather know something than not know. Being blind sided is one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced, and I’d have to say, when it’s happened to me, it’s been mostly my fault for not having my eyes open all the way. But today, I can pretty safely say life is too short to go down a path holding a hand that isn’t holding yours back.

I have heard my mom say more than once that if she had to choose who to save first from a sinking ship, it would be my dad. Her reason is simple: “I chose him.” But it shouldn’t just be about the grand, life-saving gestures; it’s also about the day-to-day openness, sharing and loving unconditionally. Oh, and it’s definitely about calling your partner out on her shit if need be. But whatever you do, don’t just let issues go unspoken, because they’re simply not going anywhere on their own. I’m grateful to have learned that.

For me, starting over this time hasn’t been all that scary (partly because I’ve finally learned to accept help from friends and family), but I have to admit I’d rather not make it a habit. So I’m going to spend some time reviewing those back pages of my journal, looking at snapshots of the people I’ve loved along the way, embracing life as a work in progress and knowing that I have an amazing story  to write. And what better way to make history than simply getting started ?