Teaching Tolerance
By Lucky Tomaszek
Children begin noticing differences in people at a very early age, just as they notice different colors of crayons, or a goat from a lamb at the petting zoo. Often they make “judgments” like “I like the red one better.” Sometimes they merely repeat something they have heard like “goats are so ugly.” But when these judgments are extended to people, it is difficult and often shocking to parents who strive to teach their children to respect others.
I work very hard to teach my children tolerance. I know I’m not alone in this. My sisters and close friends are doing the same thing and it’s inspiring to see us all work toward the same goals. There are times, though, when I realize that teaching tolerance is not a one-time only lesson.
This became painfully obvious to me this summer. My best friend and I took all six of our kids to Menomonie for a family vacation. We have dear friends who live there, a lesbian couple and their ten kids, six of whom are teenagers. Our friends Melissa and Mandy lead the local GLBT teen group in the area, so the house is typically full of lots of teenagers.
A house full of gay, lesbian, and bisexual teenagers tested my children’s ability to accept people who are different than those in their immediate family. My kids got to see their first Mohawk up close, hear different kinds of music, and learn some interesting slang terms. Multiple, visible body piercings were also a source of endless intrigue for my little ones.
Then there were the less visible, but more profound differences. My friends’ home represents a refuge for these adolescents, a place where they can be themselves and hold hands with their same-sex partners without recrimination. It’s not uncommon to stumble across a pair of them in a warm welcoming embrace or sneaking a good-bye kiss behind the garage.
For all six of our little kids, this was new. My best friend and I have both been active with the Human Right Coalition and their work to grant same-sex marriage rights in our country, so our children know a little about homosexuality and the GBLT community. But seeing it was very different.
One evening, our friends’ 15-year-old daughter was saying goodnight to her girlfriend. They had ducked into a hallway for a moment of quiet and a quick g’night kiss when one of our little ones came out of the bathroom and saw them. She stood there stunned and said, “Did you just KISS her?” The couple smiled and nodded. The little girl looked amazed and said, “That is so GAY!”
Fortunately, all of the big kids at Melissa and Mandy’s house are good-natured and were happy to spend a few minutes talking to our little kids about the fact that it’s okay to be gay. And that it’s important to be whatever you really are inside. Our children asked some good questions and then the whole conversation turned into a great big game of tag.
So many beautiful differences.
Obviously, it’s not just gender and sexuality issues that our children need to learn about. Recently, my sister was talking with her son about the possibility of adopting a baby or a young child. She had told him that there are lots of kids who really need good families. My nephew was excited about the prospect of having a new little brother or sister and began speaking openly with his mom about all of his feelings. At the end of the conversation, he casually mentioned that he thought it would be great to adopt, but was really hoping they wouldn’t have to adopt a black baby.
My sister was stunned, and so upset that she didn’t even mention the conversation to me initially, and we share everything! She could not figure out how her precious six-year-old could have possibly grown into a racist. We are from a small family originally, but have created our own tribe of dear friends from every end of the racial, sexual orientation, socio-economic and religious spectrums.
She kept casually bringing this issue up to her son over the next few weeks, trying to root out the source of his apparent intolerance. She felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere and was extremely frustrated. Finally one night, she was lying in bed with him and asked him about his feelings directly. He responded by saying, “You know how my cousins all look like each other? And you and Aunt Lucky look like each other? When I have a little brother or sister, I want people to look at us and think, ‘hey, they must be brothers.’ I just want someone who looks like me, Mom.”
Listen. Explain. Repeat.
This is the part of teaching tolerance that sometimes feels frustrating. As a parent, you have to keep explaining the same thing each time your child encounters something different. It seems like there should be a blanket answer: “All people have inherent worth and dignity. We are all valuable members of a vital world community.” But children seem to need us to point out our similarities and explain the beauty of our differences.
Teaching tolerance is one of the most important things we can do as parents. Showing your children, first-hand when possible, the wide range of wonderful differences between people is a great way to raise tolerant kids. And like everything else, just keep talking about it all the time. Remember, we’re not just teaching values to our children: we’re teaching them to future adults.
