Bruce Murphy
Murphy’s Law

11 Sure-Fire Predictions For 2018

How crazy will 2018 be? Let us count the ways.

By - Jan 3rd, 2018 02:47 pm
Scott Walker. Photo from Governor's Office.

Scott Walker. Photo from Governor’s Office.

You thought 2017 was bizarre? You ain’t seen nothing yet. We have consulted our infallible crystal ball and can clearly see the startling events to come in 2018:

1. Scott Walker Announces Hair Transplant. Two weeks before announcing he will run for president, Gov. Scott Walker discloses he has undergone a hair transplant. In response to rude reporters asking about male pattern baldness, Walker dismisses such suggestions with his usual Eagle Scout forthrightness: “Honestly, I just keep hitting my head on the kitchen cabinet, and that causes the bald spot to grow.”

2. Republicans Ban Wetlands. Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald and Assembly Speaker Robin Vos propose a new law that will ban wetlands in Wisconsin, and the measure quickly attracts 50 Republican co-sponsors. “We’re tired of half-measures,” Fitzgerald declares. “We’re tired of ex-DNR staffers lecturing us on the supposed value of these frigging swamps. We’ve got plenty of lakes and rivers, so why do we need all these mucky marshes?”

3. Mayor Creates New Office of Visioning. In response to critics claiming he has no vision, Mayor Tom Barrett announces a new, cabinet-level officer, the Commissioner of Visions, will be appointed, though he really isn’t sure who he will appoint — or when. When asked if he’s worried that Republicans might differ with some of these visions, Barrett’s chief of staff Patrick Curley says he’s not concerned. “I will verbally pummel anyone who disagrees — or physically if I have to.”

4. Sykes Recants His Liberal Views. After a dramatic decline in sales of his book, How the Right Lost Its Mind, former conservative-turned-liberal-turned-conservative-turned-liberal Charlie Sykes reveals he was struck by lightning on a drive back to his Mequon Cape Cod and has now seen the light. And it clearly comes from the right. Which is to say he’s now become a conservative. Again. Mostly. “And by the way, I’ll be earning much more money from new gig as a commentator on Fox than I did from those liberal pikers at MSNBC,” Sykes crowed.

5. Roggensack Rules All Criticism of Court Illegal. “I am hereby issuing a blanket contempt of court order against all commentators who dare to criticize me or the state’s high court,” the chief justice declares. “I’m looking at you, Janine Geske and Spencer Black and all you negative nellies in the media — you know who you are. These attacks are ruining the reputation of the finest, most expensively purchased Supreme Court in state history. So nix on the carping or you’ll be behind bars faster than we can say ‘shut up Shirley.’”

6. Zielinski Proposes New Organ Harvesting Program. Alderman and mayoral candidate Tony Zielinski calls a press conference to announce a unique new idea to save money for Milwaukee taxpayers using the remains of dead Milwaukee County pensioners. “Look, I blew it by voting for the county pension backdrop, which has cost taxpayers $300 million, but this could recoup some of the money by harvesting and selling organs of dead backdrop recipients.” When told this would be unconstitutional, not to mention illegal, not to mention it’s not a city issue, Zielinski said he would call on the state to legalize his proposal.

7. State Refuses Foxconn Demand for New Subsidy. In a surprise response to Taiwan company’s request for another subsidy — to help pay for nets around its manufacturing plant in Racine County — Scott Walker said no. “It doesn’t matter if employees in other Foxconn plants have been jumping out of windows to escape horrific conditions, because Wisconsin has the hardest workers in the world and they would never do that. Besides, it would be cheaper for Foxconn and the taxpayers who are always my first concern if the company simply builds its plant without any windows.”

8. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Changes Name. The daily paper, whose history goes back to the founding of the Milwaukee Sentinel in 1837, announces it will change its name to the Milwaukee Barrel and Tourism Report. “We found many readers were confused by our name, and expected regular coverage of the Milwaukee metro area, when we are really dedicated to constant, in-depth, 24-7 coverage of dangerous chemicals in barrel-making plants and in drinks for Mexican tourists,” says JS editor George Stanley. “Now we have a quick easy answer to all those pesky complaints.”

9. Schimel Announces Investigation of Attorney General. In a stunning reversal of his past positions, Republican AG Brad Schimel announces his office will investigate its own leader for legal and ethical violations. “Why did I illegally release all those John Doe documents?” Schimel asks. “Why did I drop the investigation of abuses at Lincoln Hills School For Boys? Why did I relaunch an investigation of alleged voter fraud after my office investigated and found no evidence it had occurred? I think we need to investigate the investigator.”

10. County Board Agrees With Abele. For the first time in modern memory the Milwaukee County Board declares it agrees with County Executive Chris Abele. “We haven’t actually decided what we agree with him about, but there must be something, maybe the color scheme chosen for the county exec’s office,” says County Board Chairman Theo Lipscomb. “The broader point is that we are not close-minded and always ready and willing to overlook our differences with the sneaky, satanic rich elitist county executive about something, sometime, some day.”

11. 20th Democrat Running for Governor. Joe Dokes, a barber whom no one has ever heard of, announces he is running for governor against Scott Walker. “No, it’s not a long-shot candidacy,” Dokes insists. “With 20 people running I could win with a little more than five percent of the vote. Between my large extended family and my many satisfied customers, I could ace the primary.”

Categories: Murphy's Law, Politics

17 thoughts on “Murphy’s Law: 11 Sure-Fire Predictions For 2018”

  1. Troll says:

    Prediction, County Clerk of Circuit Courts John Barrett retires. John Barrett takes his one million dollar County drop sum and $80, 000 pension a year and walks away. No one in the media will care. No one will asks for a comment from his brother, Mayor Tom Barrett .(about his brothers massive package). Mayor Barrett will ask for a press conference to make the public aware that he will receive a State, City and Federal pension and that the sum of his package is bigger. than his brothers.

  2. WashCoRepub says:

    I saw a presumably chemical-soaked barrel I didn’t recognize, look kind of suspicious when I was walking out to my car today… fortunately it didn’t attack me, but thanks to the Journal-Sentinel’s groundbreaking investigative journalism (sorry, I meant ‘Barrel and Tourism Report’), I was ready for it!

  3. Wisconsin Conservative Digest says:

    Murphy will get big increase to 10% of the readership of the Wisconsin Conservative Digest

  4. PMD says:

    Hey WCD remember when you promised that Dump’s voter fraud commission would prove without a doubt that voter fraud was rampant and Dems were stealing elections? Yeah how did that work out, what with Dump disbanding his voter fraud commission yesterday?

  5. fightingbobfan says:

    WDC stumbles across spell checker, but refuses to use it because he mistakes it for a fact checker.

  6. Keith Prochnow says:

    Very funny stuff, Bruce!
    Most likely to actually occur? #4, Sykes.

  7. Kathy D. says:

    Thanks for the laugh, Bruce. I like #9 best. Somebody needs to investigate him.

  8. Troll says:

    The city of Milwaukee begins selling wheelchair tags to all city workers on April 1st for $200. You to can be an abled body worker pretending to have a physical affliction.

  9. PMD says:

    They must already be selling them in the North Shore. You can’t go to Bayshore or Sendik’s without seeing rich white people in new SUVs, able-bodied all of them, with handicap tags.

  10. Wisconsin Conservative Digest says:

    PMD: The Democrat states where most of the fraud takes place will not provide any records. Going to court would take years. They, just like Russia, China, Cuba, Venezuela control the states through fraud. It has been going on in Milwaukee for decades.

  11. fightingbobfan says:

    This is your chance to send us just one photo of a bus load of fraudulent voters at a polling site, since in order to give Hillary the three million plurality there had to be an armanda of buses.

    Just one bus Bob is all it takes to shut us all up Bob. Can you do it?

  12. Wisconsin Conservative Digest says:

    That happened in the Van Waangard election but that is not how it is done. MPD outlined it in report given to the press.
    Check Lena Taylor’s houses with 29 people registered.
    Here is how it is done.
    Wisconsin is Purple state, so the Left, in 2012, sent in thousands of organizers from all around the country from Blue and red states.
    They come in and work in the 143 centers, register to vote, finish their jobs organizing, vote early and leave, never to be seen again.
    In group homes they send in organizers and pretty soon everyone in the home votes the same.

  13. PMD says:

    Trump Panel Finds No Voter Fraud

    Court filings show that in spite of the president’s claim that millions of people voted illegally, his recently disbanded commission found no evidence of voter fraud.

    “Yet the day after Trump shut down the highly criticized panel last week amid an array of lawsuits, including one filed by a member of the commission itself, court filings show the panel didn’t uncover any evidence of fraudulent voting during its 11 months in operation.

    Charles Herndon, White House director of information technology, said in a sworn court declaration filed Tuesday in federal court that the voter-fraud commission “did not create any preliminary findings.”

  14. PMD says:

    Also, look at some of the states that denied: Kentucky, North Dakota, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Wyoming. Those are red states.

  15. Wisconsin Conservative Digest says:

    The fraud takes place in red states controlled by the Left from top to bottom and they refuse to handout any records that would uncover their fraud.

  16. PMD says:

    They would have had more money for the Voter Fraud Commission but it went to porn star Stormy Daniels, who Trump had to pay off to keep quiet about their extramarital affair.

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