11 Sure-Fire Predictions For 2018
How crazy will 2018 be? Let us count the ways.
You thought 2017 was bizarre? You ain’t seen nothing yet. We have consulted our infallible crystal ball and can clearly see the startling events to come in 2018:
1. Scott Walker Announces Hair Transplant. Two weeks before announcing he will run for president, Gov. Scott Walker discloses he has undergone a hair transplant. In response to rude reporters asking about male pattern baldness, Walker dismisses such suggestions with his usual Eagle Scout forthrightness: “Honestly, I just keep hitting my head on the kitchen cabinet, and that causes the bald spot to grow.”
2. Republicans Ban Wetlands. Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald and Assembly Speaker Robin Vos propose a new law that will ban wetlands in Wisconsin, and the measure quickly attracts 50 Republican co-sponsors. “We’re tired of half-measures,” Fitzgerald declares. “We’re tired of ex-DNR staffers lecturing us on the supposed value of these frigging swamps. We’ve got plenty of lakes and rivers, so why do we need all these mucky marshes?”
3. Mayor Creates New Office of Visioning. In response to critics claiming he has no vision, Mayor Tom Barrett announces a new, cabinet-level officer, the Commissioner of Visions, will be appointed, though he really isn’t sure who he will appoint — or when. When asked if he’s worried that Republicans might differ with some of these visions, Barrett’s chief of staff Patrick Curley says he’s not concerned. “I will verbally pummel anyone who disagrees — or physically if I have to.”
4. Sykes Recants His Liberal Views. After a dramatic decline in sales of his book, How the Right Lost Its Mind, former conservative-turned-liberal-turned-conservative-turned-liberal Charlie Sykes reveals he was struck by lightning on a drive back to his Mequon Cape Cod and has now seen the light. And it clearly comes from the right. Which is to say he’s now become a conservative. Again. Mostly. “And by the way, I’ll be earning much more money from new gig as a commentator on Fox than I did from those liberal pikers at MSNBC,” Sykes crowed.
6. Zielinski Proposes New Organ Harvesting Program. Alderman and mayoral candidate Tony Zielinski calls a press conference to announce a unique new idea to save money for Milwaukee taxpayers using the remains of dead Milwaukee County pensioners. “Look, I blew it by voting for the county pension backdrop, which has cost taxpayers $300 million, but this could recoup some of the money by harvesting and selling organs of dead backdrop recipients.” When told this would be unconstitutional, not to mention illegal, not to mention it’s not a city issue, Zielinski said he would call on the state to legalize his proposal.
7. State Refuses Foxconn Demand for New Subsidy. In a surprise response to Taiwan company’s request for another subsidy — to help pay for nets around its manufacturing plant in Racine County — Scott Walker said no. “It doesn’t matter if employees in other Foxconn plants have been jumping out of windows to escape horrific conditions, because Wisconsin has the hardest workers in the world and they would never do that. Besides, it would be cheaper for Foxconn and the taxpayers who are always my first concern if the company simply builds its plant without any windows.”
8. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Changes Name. The daily paper, whose history goes back to the founding of the Milwaukee Sentinel in 1837, announces it will change its name to the Milwaukee Barrel and Tourism Report. “We found many readers were confused by our name, and expected regular coverage of the Milwaukee metro area, when we are really dedicated to constant, in-depth, 24-7 coverage of dangerous chemicals in barrel-making plants and in drinks for Mexican tourists,” says JS editor George Stanley. “Now we have a quick easy answer to all those pesky complaints.”
9. Schimel Announces Investigation of Attorney General. In a stunning reversal of his past positions, Republican AG Brad Schimel announces his office will investigate its own leader for legal and ethical violations. “Why did I illegally release all those John Doe documents?” Schimel asks. “Why did I drop the investigation of abuses at Lincoln Hills School For Boys? Why did I relaunch an investigation of alleged voter fraud after my office investigated and found no evidence it had occurred? I think we need to investigate the investigator.”
10. County Board Agrees With Abele. For the first time in modern memory the Milwaukee County Board declares it agrees with County Executive Chris Abele. “We haven’t actually decided what we agree with him about, but there must be something, maybe the color scheme chosen for the county exec’s office,” says County Board Chairman Theo Lipscomb. “The broader point is that we are not close-minded and always ready and willing to overlook our differences with the sneaky, satanic rich elitist county executive about something, sometime, some day.”
11. 20th Democrat Running for Governor. Joe Dokes, a barber whom no one has ever heard of, announces he is running for governor against Scott Walker. “No, it’s not a long-shot candidacy,” Dokes insists. “With 20 people running I could win with a little more than five percent of the vote. Between my large extended family and my many satisfied customers, I could ace the primary.”