TV Star Dustin Diamond’s Cozy Cape Cod

For years, our great metropolitan area has served as a comfortable haven for a corps of minor celebrities.

We have folks like Fallout Boy’s Andy Hurley, Seinfeld’s Mark Metcalf and NBA pro/tavern bouncer Latrell Sprewell right in our midst.

The major league Milwaukee Brewers have provided us with minor league icons such as the first-ever MLB Commissioner Emeritus Allan H. “Bud” Selig, the genre-bending Bob Uecker, and Hank the Dog.

For the most part, these notables have contributed materially to the community. (Sprewell and Hank have performed according to expectations.)

But now comes Dustin N. Diamond, a certifiable mediocrity who has brought our haven of discreet fame into disrepute with his Christmas Day arrest on felony charges in Ozaukee County. Diamond was charged with a felony for allegedly stabbing a man with a switchblade at the Grand Avenue Saloon in downtown Port Washington, less than a mile from his home in that Ozaukee County seat of government.

Diamond also faces misdemeanor charges of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct, with a penalty enhancement for the presence of a weapon in the latter charge.

Diamond was apprehended in his SUV after the incident; he admitted the stabbing, but said it was with a pen. Police found the switchblade during a check of his vehicle. It was covered with a sticky substance that hasn’t been described in detail. Was it blood?

For years Diamond played the character “Screech” in a high school sitcom, “Saved by the Bell,” which debuted in 1989. He later moved to Wisconsin, and as early as 2006 made a pest of himself by offering T-Shirts for $15 apiece allegedly to raise $15,000 to save his home in the Spinnaker West subdivision from foreclosure. (In fact, it was just a publicity scheme, though some years later,  in 2010, Wells Fargo moved to actually foreclose his home.)

Many people paid for the shirts, but never received the merchandise, which gives you a sense that Diamond’s character is less than brilliant, and not unflawed.

Diamond used a ghostwriter for his 2009 autobiography, and a stunt double for a sex tape. Making a sex tape, even for those sufficiently endowed, is not always a prudent move. Faking a sex tape is downright pathetic, but Diamond thought there might be millions in it.

“I faked that one at a chance for millions. I’m an opportunist, really,” he told the Daily Beast in an interview in 2014.

“Needless to say it did not make millions. But I had to take the shot. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t.”

Which just goes to show he doesn’t know his neighbors in the Ozaukee County seat, where he is now benched in the jail. Many have accumulated actual millions without appearing in sex tapes, and wouldn’t do so under any circumstances.

His cellmates, though, might have a quite different attitude toward such matters.

The State of Wisconsin has filed Tax Warrants against Diamond totaling $82,156, and this year he was found to owe $40,000 to the Electrical Construction Industry Board of Wisconsin.

As Diamonds go, this one is rather abrasive. In 2007 when he was a contestant on Celebrity Fit Club, a producer offered this assessment:“I don’t hold it against anybody not to like Dustin Diamond.”

Diamond has posted bail and was released; if he’s ultimately found guilty, he could get up to 10 years in prison. His scandalous situation, of course, is sheer bliss for online tabloids like TMZ, which reports that “Screech didn’t go hungry in the slammer — we’re told he had a sloppy joe, beans, and coleslaw and a peanut butter bar for dinner.” A peanut butter bar? That’s a suburban jail for you.

The Diamond Residence

The Diamond residence was constructed on Grandview Drive in 2003 in the Spinnaker West subdivision of the City of Port Washington.

The street derives its name not from any panoramic vista, but because you can see Grand Avenue from there. The street is a curvy one that aspires to cul-de-sacdom; immediately to the east, the city retains its grid street structure. To the west, the urban fabric unravels, like a Diamond in the rough, or the character Screech just before he is Saved By The Bell.

The “2-story cedar new Cape [Cod]” home, if it is like its neighbors, is about 2,700 square feet and has 4 bedrooms and 3 baths, along with an attached two-car garage. It sits on a .55 acre lot that is valued at $78,200, or about $3.26 per square foot. The dwelling is assessed at $233,800, for a total assessed valuation of $312,000. Taxes of $5,609.53 are paid in full, however, there is a delinquent water bill outstanding in the amount of $272.59.

The Rundown

• Location: City of Port Washington
• Neighborhood: Just west of “downtown” Port Washington.
• Subdivision: Spinnaker West.
• Year Built: 2003.
• Style: Single family suburban Cape Coddy.
• Size of unit: Around 2,700 square feet.
• Fireplaces: Could not be determined, but likely one in the family room.
• Taxes: $5,609.53 Paid in Full by the grace of Wells Fargo escrow services. Owes $272 to city for delinquent water bill.
• Assessment: Land $78,200 [$3.26 / s.f.], Improvements $233,800; Total: $312,000.
• Walk Score: 28 out of 100. “Car Dependent”
• Transit Score: None. Public transport, even to the jail, is anathema in Port Washington, and the rest of Ozaukee County

How Milwaukee Is It? The residence is 26 miles from the Milwaukee City Hall. But it is just over a mile from the Ozaukee County Jail, located on the outskirts of town.

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