2010 Holiday Wi$h Li$t
Inevitably some folks out there did not receive the egregious booty they were expecting or most importantly, believe they deserved this past holiday. So I’m here to help the under-gifted achieve a certain amount of cathartic closure. To insure that certain traditions don’t get washed right out into the ocean like a picnic table on a Malibu hillside, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive, yet curiously refreshing:
WILL DUR$T’$ 2010 HOLIDAY WI$H LI$T.
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For Mel Gibson: A muzzle. Permanent. Steel. Welded with titanium rivets.
For the Economists who insist the recession ended in June of ’09: An opportunity to collect 99 weeks of unemployment insurance.
For Charlie Sheen: A date with Lindsay Lohan and a set of matching ankle bracelets at Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.
For WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange: A slip of paper naming whoever leaked details of his sexual assault charges tucked into a dictionary in the fold of the page with the “irony” entry.
For Betty White: 30 more years.
For Ireland: Far fewer reasons to drown their troubles.
For Juan Williams: A prayer rug for his Fox News cubicle.
For the American public: A case of antacid to get through the next two years of watching the heartless pummel the spineless, cheered on by the clueless.
For Conan O’Brien: Half the on-air excitement he inspired off-air.
For Barack Obama: An electron telescope to focus on jobs. American jobs. Democratic jobs. Obama Administration jobs. His job.
For Mrs. Clarence Thomas: A six pack of Coke.
For the Cast of Jersey Shore: Watches that only measure increments of 15 minutes.
For the Texas Board of Education: A railroad car stuffed full of historical blinders.
For Bill Clinton: A Presidential appointment to the position of Secretary of Secretaries.
For Toyota: A new corporate motto. Because after four recalls involving acceleration problems, “Moving Forward” might be a bit too apropos.
For Katy Perry: A bigger bra.
For the Tea Party: Kissable wallets, because its time to put their money where their mouth is.
For Willie Nelson: A THC patch.
For the TSA: Extensive training to perfect the impromptu prostate exam.
For John Boehner: A deal with Fruit of the Loom to market a line of “Mister Speaker” monogrammed handkerchiefs and hand towels.
For former BP CEO Tony Hayward: Now that he has his life back, a reason to live it.
For Medical Science to Study: Dick Cheney’s heart, Joe Biden’s mouth and Rod Blagojevich’s brain.
For New Gingrich, Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican field taking sidelong glances at 2012 : Something on Sarah.
San Francisco based political comic Will Durst writes sometimes, this being a conventional example. More at willdurst.com
