DJ Hostettler
Cultural Zero

Tila Tequila Attacked By Juggalos!

By - Aug 16th, 2010 09:58 am

Fig.1: This article will be accompanied only by images pulled from the Gathering of the Juggalos 2010 promotional video, because holy shit

I spent all Sunday trying to make sense of 2010’s Entertainment News Headline of the Year: “Tila Tequila suffers cuts, but escapes juggalos attack” (I didn’t have the heart to tell my grandma why I seemed so distant at her 90th birthday party. Sorry Grandma, matters of great national import demanded my attention). Frankly, as I type this it’s 11:18 p.m. on Sunday, and I’m still not sure what this all means.

Since ThirdCoastDigest is generally a high-class web-based magazine whose arts focus is usually tuned toward the Milwaukee Performing Arts Center rather than Art’s Performing Center, Let me get you up to speed on our principals:

(Excerpts from the Glossary of American Pop Culture, Morlock Division)

Tila Tequila: “Singer”/model who achieved initial fame by having more MySpace friends than anyone else during the heady days of MySpace’s dominance over social media (approx. May 2006). Tequila currently has 3,753,285 MySpace friends, 3,753,200 of which are spambots, bands, and various services to help GET YOUR BAND NOTICED!!1!1

Juggalos/Juggalettes: Fans of alleged hip-hop group and science deniers Insane Clown Posse

The Gathering of the Juggalos: Yearly juggalo-themed (and juggalette-themed, I assume—BREAKING NEWS: ICP MUSIC FESTIVAL HAS SEXIST TITLE; ALSO WATER IS WET AND MAGNETS ARE MIRACULOUS) music festival which in 2010 featured Tone Loc, Vanilla Ice, and Gallagher (as cited in the incredible Gathering promotional video)

Fig.2: Gallagher. Yep. Believe whoever the hell these idiots are…effing Gallagher.

…Gallagher. Christ, I don’t even have to write jokes for most of this blog post. Take the article itself, which is so brilliantly written, it would do a disservice to Alan Duke to do anything but step aside and let his golden words speak for themselves:

“She’s pretty cut up,” said a performer who saw the violence at the “Gathering of the Juggalos” in rural Hardin County, Illinois. The witness asked not to be identified so that he does not anger the juggalos.

Tequila, a Playboy model who also sings, (I love the implication that she’s known for…well, anything. Wait, shit, sorry, I said I wouldn’t talk)

The witness, who was standing in the rear of the stage, said the crowd of about 2,000 was immediately angry toward Tequila and she was unable to turn them around.

“She was taunting them,” he said. “She didn’t know how to handle them. She didn’t understand the dynamic.” (WTF? Shit, sorry again)

The rocks and bottles flew harder and faster when Tequila bared her breasts, he said.

“She took her top off and they got really violent,” he said.

Oh, and by the way, someone got frakking stabbed:

This was not the only violent incident at the festival early Saturday, Seiner said.

A 49-year-old Georgia man was arrested for allegedly stabbing another man in the abdomen just hours earlier, he said.


Someone give Alan Duke an award, because this is textbook journalistic humor at its driest. Dude got stabbed, but never mind that—he’s never bared his breasts in Playboy, or in an attempt to soothe an angry mob of juggalos.

Fig.4: Still trying to process the Vanilla Ice thing.

I’ve spent all day trying to process why this incident so deeply resonated with me—and mostly, it’s resulted in total synaptic shutdown (in fact, I’ve passed out twice while composing this article). After forcing my body into a perpetual state of alertness thanks to a $2.49 12-pack of Mountain Holler, the “radical citrus thirst blaster!” available at a Save-A-Lot near you, the overdose of high fructose corn syrup produced an altered consciousness that yielded the following theories:

1) I am a horrible person who unhealthily obsesses over invertebrate-level bullshit as a distraction from working to become a serious, relevant writer

The evidence for this is compelling: the existence of this article provides more exposure (well, exposure to the six Facebook friends I have that actually read my stupid articles, anyway) for an essentially worthless “subculture” and a walking, dancing personification of famous-for-being-famous. In a perfect world, stories about the Inane Clown Posse and Tila Tequila would be met with Snorlax-sized shrugs of indifference. However, this isn’t a perfect world, and I am Part of the Problem. (If this sounds needlessly self-loathing, keep in mind I was raised Catholic, and it’ll make sense).

2) The icky violence against woman angle

Despite what you may think of Tila Tequila (and really, you shouldn’t), the fact remains that a female “entertainer” was forced into a situation where she felt obligated to strip in order to stave off an attack by a violent throng. Bloodhound Gang-level gallows humor aside, that’s pretty goddamn gross. (To be fair, the disrobing may be part of her act; I don’t know. Incidentally, on a purely anthropological level, I’m still baffled as to why that didn’t work. The best theory I can formulate is that the men in the audience were pissed that her breasts were nicer than theirs.)

Fig.5: Oh, wait, Tila played during LADIES’ NIGHT. Never mind, there’s no icky weird misogyny angle to this.

3) We are witnessing bottomfeeder trash culture slowly devouring itself

This idea fills me with optimism: what if the juggalos (and juggalettes) are the naturally occurring, cleansing wildfire of trash culture’s forest ecosystem? Look at the screenshots accompanying this piece—what if, just what if, the Gathering of the Juggalos is an elaborate setup with an endgame of pruning the most seedy underbrush off America’s pop culture shrubbery? And what is it with all these vegetation metaphors?

Violent J: Hey Shaggy, let’s invite Vanilla Ice and Gallagher to the Gathering this year. We’ll lure them in, then sic them on the juggalos, who shall feast on their bone marrow in an orgy of human sacrifice.

Shaggy 2 Dope: What’s bone marrow, and how the fuck does it work?

Fig. 6: The…Rock ‘n’ Roll Express? Wha?

Folks, in case you missed it, we are now living in a world where our mainstream news outlets regularly cite as a legit source of information. We’re in the shit worse than Matthew Modine in Full Metal Jacket. So the thought of the most base, valueless elements of American culture policing themselves with a version of The Most Dangerous Game (not that Tom Green constitutes “dangerous game,” but let’s not split hairs) fills me with a strange sort of hope—the hope that eventually all these idiots will collapse into themselves like a hatchet-faced black hole (and considering their ineptitude in eliminating Ms. Tequila, who now plans to sue juggalo culture out of existence, this may be close to reality). Let’s just hope the juggalos don’t kill Terry Funk before this happens.


Oh, Terry—what the fuck are you doing?).

0 thoughts on “Cultural Zero: Tila Tequila Attacked By Juggalos!”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Wait, they are science deniers?

    I do find it fascinating that Gallagher is involved when I remember seeing this year that he is a giant anti-gay anti-Mexican etc. asshole. The only article about it I could find isn’t really a great one though:

    So Tila Tequila really got famous for having lots of Myspace friends? I’ve heard her name before but never really understood what was up. Honestly none of this makes sense. And one of the webcomic authors I follow on twitter said when he searched the keywords on twitter last night he got a whole bunch of “well she deserved it!” which is the creepiest part to me. Just because you don’t like someone’s media doesn’t mean they should be attacked, assholes (obvs not directed at you). It was also sadly the goddamn first thing I expected to see when I heard about this. Ugh.

  2. Anonymous says:

    There’s a line in their epic tune “Miracles” that goes “i don’t wanna talk to a scientist/y’all motherfuckin’ lyin’ and gettin’ me pissed.”

    I’m *really* fascinated by Gallagher’s involvement too, since i read an AV Club interview with him where he goes on and on about what’s wrong with the kids today.

    BREAKING NEWS: Tila Tequila may actually have been booked as a prank by ICP, knowing she’d get booed and heckled mercilessly:

  3. Anonymous says:

    …couldn’t finish the first two paragraphs. Already two much time entirely wasted on both subjects in my lifetime.

  4. Anonymous says:

    This is my theory. While it it by no means justifies having a violent mob of men attack a tiny woman …. I think that it was authentic trash culture responding to having artificial trash culture fed to them. It’s like MTV or VH1 decides “This is what the lowest-common denominator likes! Here, juggalos you like this. It’s a bimbo with no talent and boobs bigger than her head!” Instead, the juggalos, violently reject her, because of the artifice. If anything, they’re about defining what they like, right?

  5. Anonymous says:

    Wait a minute. This was about something authentic recognizing an inauthentic element in its midst and turning on it like a bad white blood cell? From a purely sociological standpoint that might make some sense, but consider this: rock music accepted Green Day, which to me is just as unfathomable as juggalos trying to tear a hot girl to pieces. It’s an interesting idea, though…

  6. Anonymous says:

    Similar, but way less buzz worthy when it happened, but in my opinion way awesomer:

  7. Anonymous says:

    Jesus, DJ. I copied and pasted this because it made me laugh out loud:

    “I’ve spent all day trying to process why this incident so deeply resonated with me—and mostly, it’s resulted in total synaptic shutdown (in fact, I’ve passed out twice while composing this article).”

    I think I broke the “copy” and “paste” options as I read on, because SO MUCH of this article was hilarious and quotable.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Well thank god you were still able to muster the strength to leave a comment telling us about it. Incidentally, I think this article is amusing, however this incidence has about as much legitimacy as a WWE match or a confrontation on Springer.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Ha! Great work, DJ- I love it!

    It’s like a confrontation between a gang of rabid apes and an android/rapping fashion model from another dimension in a pop culture zoo. A zoo that is engulfed in napalm with the world’s worst soundtrack.

    I hope I get a chance to make it to the 12th Annual Meeting of the Juggalos…and Juggalettes.

  10. Anonymous says:

    This had to be a put-up, or the juggalos surely would’ve saved the whupass for Vanilla Ice. Wouldn’t ANYONE? Tila Tequila may be detestable, but she and the other drain-swirling D-listers, Insane Clown Posse included, were never as deserving of a beating (with the possible exception of Gallagher, now that he’s headed for Mel Gibson territory).

  11. Anonymous says:

    I just watched the entire 17 plus minute long promo video for the Meeting of the Juggalos(and Juggalettes, of course)…Great day in the morning! Tone Loc? Warren G? Tom Green? Gallagher? Ice, Ice, Baby?

    And let’s not forget ICP’s feature length wild west comedy years in the making! This is absolutely biblical!

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