Don’t Fear The Beard (8-10)

Dear Ken Macha,

Nicely done, Ken.

Sometimes a manager needs to find unorthodox ways to motivate a struggling team. Ned used to pick random games to completely freak the fuck out on an umpire  over a bad call or because his favorite NASCAR driver lost.  I can’t say I’ve never heard of managers embracing the beard in order to inspire their team, but it’s pure genius nonetheless.

Corey Hart dyes his beard black, becoming a slightly more athletic version of Mose Schrute in the process, and after a four game winning streak all criticism about the front office, your grandfatherly looks and your players’ performance vanishes.  Just look at how it helped your offense:

Ryan Braun, spurred on by the Amish work ethic symbolized in Corey’s Pennsylvanian chinstrap, hit 3 HRs,  knocked in 8 runners and raised his average by over 100 points.  He even had the game-winning RBI in Saturday’s back and forth game against the ‘Stros.

After struggling mightily for the first three weeks, Prince Fielder responded to the beard like no other.  No stranger to facial hair himself, Fielder had his first multi-homer game and doubled his season RBI total over the weekend.  It’s always nice to have your two best sluggers hitting well on the road and it looks like your plan worked perfectly, Ken.

JJ Hardy, fan of the goatee, had a three-hit game for the first time this season, bringing his batting average that much closer to local gas prices than the week before.  Baby steps, Ken, baby steps.

If that wasn’t enough proof of your managerial brilliance look no further than your pitching staff’s response to the beard decree.  After a tumultous three weeks full of walks, walks, and more walks, this year’s staff is on pace to shatter the 2001 staff’s record for runs walked in.  I know you weren’t around at the time, Ken, but no one wants to relive the days when Ruben Quevedo was a part of our rotation.  But, I digress.

Motivated by your embrace of the beard, serious beardsman Dave Bush was this close no-hitting the Phillies if not for mythic Matt Stairs’ home run in the eighth inning (I’m sure they hammered your ass for that, Matt).  Chinstrap enthusiast Yovani Gallardo even looked impressive in a complete game win against the hopeless Astros.   Is it possible that Braden Looper would pitch even better if he had a chin curtain or extended mutton chops?  Think about it, Ken.

Not everyone benefited from your beard shenanigans, though.  Rickie Weeks still needs to remember what it’s like to take a walk or cleanly field and throw a baseball, and Jorge Julio needs to be left at George Bush Intercontinental Airport. But apart from those minor issues, your unconventional moves are starting to pay off.  Keep it up, Ken.

Best Regards,

Rob Vosters