Op Ed

Why Not Gov. Walker State Park?

If it embodies his style of serving the public, oh what a park it will be.

By - Oct 31st, 2017 03:01 pm
Gov. Scott Walker. Photo from the State of Wisconsin.

Gov. Scott Walker. Photo from the State of Wisconsin.

In early October, my wife and I camped with friends at the beautiful Governor Dodge State Park, named for Henry Dodge, Wisconsin’s first territorial governor. We enjoyed two flawless autumn days in the great Wisconsin outdoors.

The park provided a much-needed break from our city routine, and on the drive home the thought occurred to me that someday we may have another park dedicated to another governor’s memory . . . a Governor Walker State Park.

What would Governor Walker State Park be like? I think I can picture it in my mind’s eye. Join me on a quick trip to the future.

This unique new state park, named after Wisconsin’s 45th governor, will be located on a 400-acre tract of land in north central Wisconsin consisting of filled-in wetlands adjacent to an abandoned sulfide mine. The state would lease the land from the mine’s owners. Although the state is putting in a new road to make the park more accessible, the construction never seems to get done and orange traffic barrels are scattered throughout the park’s roads and parking lots for what seems like decades.

The park itself is open to all state residents, provided they can prove residency with a driver’s license or state-issued photo ID. Union members, however, are banned from entering, but have the right to recreate should they become free and independent workers. (This exclusion does not apply to members of police or fire unions.)

Camping fees are charged based on the number of vehicle and camper axles you drive, except in the case of electric and hybrid vehicles, which pay a substantially higher additional fee.

The park operates on the innovative “right to camp” concept. This means there are no real campsites, per se, and no real services provided. You just set up camp wherever you want.

By the time Governor Walker State Park opens, state parks will no longer be managed by the long since disbanded DNR, but rather by WNRA, a subsidiary of the National Rifle Association.

Target ranges will be mandatory outside every campground, with targets and ammo provided through concession sales handled by Kentucky Fireworks®. This out-of-state pyrotechnics firm with major subsidiaries in China and Taiwan will have exclusive rights to firework sales through a deal negotiated years ago by Governor Walker and WEDC, whereby the state subsidizes each franchise to the tune of $2.3 million a year for the next 55 years. While this may seem a rather large burden for the hard working taxpayers of Wisconsin, think of the jobs created in hospital emergency rooms all across our great state.

Park trails will be open to ATVs and motocross bikes only. While multi-purpose trails had been tried on an experimental basis in Walker State Park, ATV users complained that their liberties– especially their right to “let ‘er rip”– had been unconstitutionally restricted. The State Supreme Court, with all five conservative justices concurring, quickly agreed. Subsequent regulations further limited hikers to foot travel solely on paths leading to the rifle ranges, to restroom facilities, or to the mandatory standing convocation for the National Anthem held on a daily basis each morning.

Boating and watercraft opportunities will abound, not only at Governor Walker State Park, but at all parks state-wide located near water. Canoes, paddleboats and kayaks, however, will be outlawed, as these slower, quieter craft pose a danger to jet ski enthusiasts.

Unfortunately, by the time Governor Walker State Park comes on line, the State’s deer population will have been virtually wiped out by Chronic Wasting Disease due to past DNR mismanagement. But the new park will have a “petting zoo” to house the few remaining members of that species. Youngsters can enter the deer pen and pet these deer after donning double thick latex gloves and a modified hazmat suit.

Despite the absence of deer, Wisconsin will remain “open for business” as far as hunting goes. After all, hunting is a major generator of tourist dollars for Badgerland, and so the legislature has enacted new laws to provide plentiful game to attract out-of-state hunters. It will now be “open season” — year round — for hunting of wolf, elk, fox, coyote, turkey, geese, mourning doves, hummingbirds, beaver, opossum and voles. Virtually anything that moves. And no bag limits!

In addition, a new form of skeet will be available for target shooting enthusiasts all along Wisconsin’s Lake Michigan shoreline. The new sport will pit target shooters against the wily and now-plentiful Great Lakes flying Asian carp.

For security purposes all park rangers will pack open-carry semi-automatics. For additional safety, campers are encouraged to keep concealed-carry guns on their person at all times.

Yes, a new and bracing camping experience awaits Wisconsin outdoor enthusiasts in the not-too-distant future, one that embodies all the key principles championed by our forward-thinking 45th governor.

Paul Mamerow is a retired physician assistant living in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin.

Categories: Environment, Op-Ed, Politics

16 thoughts on “Op Ed: Why Not Gov. Walker State Park?”

  1. HeavyD says:

    Hyberpole much?

  2. Dudemeister says:

    Wow, heavyd, nothing gets past you.

  3. Call Bunk on Leah says:

    Nailed it. Must be walker’s neighbor.

  4. Kenneth says:

    Perfect! And then…Governor Scott Walker State University!

  5. GRNPAKWH says:

    I volunteered as a campground host for many years at a near-by state forest campground. I stopped volunteering due to safety concerns. I did not feel safe staying in the campground at night with no law enforcement. Drastic budget cuts meant drastic staff cuts. Maintenance was ignored and I as a volunteer found myself on the front line of campers complaining and campers seeking safety. I had no authority and the local police would only enforce local laws not park rules. I had spent many summers without anyone knocking at my camper door during the night. My last summer it became a common occasion. The final straw was the night campers felt so threatened they were afraid to leave their tents and wake me up. The police had already been to the campground and refused to maintain order. I got them back out at 5:00 AM and they asked me what I wanted them to do. I quit volunteering.
    During a recent four night camping trip at another state park, we saw no staff during our stay. The park was a mess. Our state parks are no longer the gems they once were. They are now an overpriced and poorly managed resource. We might as well name them all Scott Walker’s parks.

  6. jerry person says:

    That`s a great idea. then there will be a park all the perverts can hang out at. like we have dog parks we would have one for republicans and keep our children safe from the republicans

  7. jerry person says:

    GRNPAKWH your post show your unstable. PLEASE think before you post

  8. Rita says:

    No need. I already have a litter box AND a sewer line named after him.

  9. will says:

    I thought Walker sold our state parks to ALEX, Koch brothers, Ulines and Hendricks for dark money!

  10. Eric J says:

    It would need to have a casino.

  11. Mohammed says:

    This is an incredible piece of writing and scary accurate. Cannot wait until that small minded, failure of a governor is out of office. WI also needs to stop being run by podunk morons who would feel right at home in Kentucky.

  12. Al says:

    LOL, there would be no Governor Walker State Park because he (Walker) would have stripped it of any funding and sold it to a private mining conglomerate…

  13. Paul Trotter says:

    I think a leaking manure pond would be appropriate. And why not sprinklers that spray manure into the air for a special ambience. Call it “conservative” aroma therapy.

  14. LOZP says:

    Jerry Person…why would you say GRNPAAKWH is unstable? He was pointing out the extreme cutbacks by the Walker Admin. BTW, it’s you’re not your.

  15. jerry person says:

    LOZP YOUR THE UNSTABLE ONE. Not all of us support a governor who is owned like a street walker. he must do as his pim? orderers or else. Do you have a sugar daddy too? Some of us work for a living . Taxpayers never support Walker because he hands out billions to his rich sugar daddys stealing from the taxpayer.
    We also know if not for gerrymandering he would be a looser.

  16. GRNPAKWH says:

    Mohammed- We have camped throughout Kentucky and visited most of their state parks, they are wonderful. They have no gate fees, the overnight camping charge is half what it is in Wisconsin; and often with a full service site. The parks are spotless, well maintained and have many amenities like lodges, and first class restaurants. We have also found this to be true in Tennessee, Alabama, and Georgia. I might also add that their roads are far better than ours,I love the Kentucky Parkway system. Conservative politics does not mean natural resources are neglected or victimized like they are here in Wisconsin. We have bad government, not conservative government.

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