The Melvins are the sound of arterial blockage

So… I happened to be in Baltimore, MD this weekend with family and friends, and we all decided to hit this place called Five Guys Burgers & Fries for one last heart-stopping meal together before parting ways.  Upon entry, I WAS NEARLY KNOCKED DOWN BY THE AWESOME POWER OF SEVENTIES RAWK! “Radar Love” by, uhhh, whoever did that one, “More Than A Feeling” by Boston, y’know… the stuff you hear NONSTOP by just rolling down yer windows when yer in, say, West Allis.

Now look, this is the daily soundtrack to many people’s lives, and I realize that I get excited by this stuff in a public place because a) a public place is the only place I’ll hear it because I avoid this time/style of music pretty much always, so it kind of sounds fresh to me, in a way (weird but true),  b) I remember absorbing enough of this stuff back when I was a kid that I can recall nearly every moronic lyric without ever having to purposely try to learn them (oh, my wasted youth) and c) the hockey beard I’ve been growing to honor my team, the Chicago Blackhawks, in their quest for the Stanley Cup, grew EXPONENTIALLY during our whirlwind gut-stuffing visit to the Five Guys and their seventies rock extravaganza.

Whilst gnawing on a burger that was (incredibly, unbelievably) too large for my mouth, a thought crawled like slow death across my orbitofrontal cortex… why not The Melvins with these burgers and fries? I’d been listening to their new elpee during the week and, why, they’d fit right in. Even the really old people (older than me, fer crissakes!) in the Five Guys for some sinful post-Sunday mass caloric gorging seemed to be bobbing their heads to “The Man On The Silver Mountain,” their hearing aids picking up the minimal bass tones and beat, their minds oblivious to the recent death of Ronnie James Dio.

Why not The Melvins? They are a guilty pleasure, not unlike fast food, and I’d quite like to listen to them in a public place, chewing my way down the road to ruin.