Karma’s a bitch. Or is it?

A few years ago I ended a long-term relationship basically on the grounds of, “I need to focus on myself.” The breakup shocked everyone, including my ex and to some extent, me. It was a rash decision, to be sure, but I never, ever looked back. Instead, I just moved forward with what may have seemed like ease to the casual observer. But it wasn’t easy and I really missed her (even if it’s taken me all these years to admit it).

Today, as I stare yet another clean relationship slate squarely in the face, I can’t help but feel like I was smacked upside the head by the boomerang effect known as karma. As I ponder all the reasons karma may be out to get me, the cassette single I lifted from a discount department store as a preteen comes to mind. Along with the time I may or may not have written the quiz answers on the back of my German notebook. Oh, and maybe the time I swore to my dentist that I hadn’t eaten any Oreos right before my cleaning.

Most likely, however, karma is pulling from how I’ve dealt with relationships in the past. Perhaps if I’d dissolved relationship #1 more slowly, the universe wouldn’t be handing me this do-over right now. Maybe if I’d tried harder to work on relationship #1 for longer, I’d still be in relationship #2. Or would I still be in relationship #1? (Oh gosh, this is confusing.)

It all just makes me wonder – how does our history affect our future? How does it affect our here-and-now? And more importantly, is it possible to change it? Just to be clear, I’m not talking about serendipity, coincidence or even fate. I’m talking about our conscious decisions known as free will. What’s its force on this giant rubber band of the universe? And why does it hurt so badly when something comes snapping back?

On a bad day, I think the ouchy kind of karma is God saying, “Na-na-na-boo-boo.” But it’s more likely something like, “Listen, I’m paying more attention than you think. So shape up and give that whole ‘do unto others’ thing some more thought, wouldya?” The thing is, even though I’ve made some questionable decisions in my youth, in haste and/or under the influence, I’m generally a nice person. And I think even exes #1, #2, #3 and probably #5 (but definitely not #4) would agree.

So, I suppose it’s possible that this fresh start isn’t a payback at all. Maybe it’s just simply life. And maybe free will does play a role. Although it’s sad right now, I finally realize I’m in charge of whether I’m tormented by it or Absolutely Still. Oh, and just to be safe on the whole karma thing, I promise to never, ever steal a cassette single again.