What Should Matt Write? Wednesdays

Welcome to the 47th installment of “What Would Jesus…No, Wait…What Should Matt Write? Wednesdays,” the criminally underrated blog that gives you, the reader (Hi Steve!), the chance to determine what my next criminally underrated blog should be about. If you’re a little foggy on how the whole thing works (and who isn’t these days?), it breaks down like this: I present the opening lines from some unfinished junk I’ve been working on, and you vote for the one you’d like to see me finish. You can do this by simply leaving a comment on the bottom of this page, or, preferably, by stopping by my apartment and delivering your vote in person. Please? I’m so lonely, so scared, so…

Ahem. Without further ado – save for a completely necessary picture of Aunt Jackie from Roseanne – here are this week’s candidates. Have fun!

Laurie Metcalf: 1955-2006. Also good in Uncle Buck.

1. “If there’s a single subject guaranteed to annoy/bore the pants off of everyone, it has to be the endless ‘death of journalism’ debate. Here’s a helpful hint: if you ever find yourself reading a blog – yes, a blog bemoaning the state of journalism! – and it includes the terms ‘new model,’ ‘blogosphere,’ or ‘Are you as disgusted by the state of American journalism as we are? Don’t forget to become a fan of us on Facebook!’ turn off your computer, step away from your desk, and call 911: you’re about to kill yourself.”

2. “So as to not offend ThirdCoast’s many senior citizen readers/writers, the following blog will be free of any vulgarities, obscenities, or otherwise crass language. But seeing that it won’t go live until long after 7PM, maybe I’m in the clear; aren’t you fucking people in bed already? Whoops!

3. “DJ, you ignorant slut.”

4. “If you’re a regular follower of my ThirdCoast blog, you know what a pleasure it is for me to share my innermost thoughts, my deepest fears, and my quick and easy scrapbooking tips. Also, if you’re a regular follower of my ThirdCoast blog, you must have the patience of a saint: seriously, what’s up with the ‘navigation’ on this site? Sometimes my stuff pops up, sometimes it doesn’t. Did someone say ‘Sounds like my honeymoon?’ Thank you.”

5. “Twitter: boy oh boy, old people can’t get enough of this shit.”

That’s it for this week! Feel free to pay tribute to the state of Illinois by voting as many times as you like. I’ll have the completed piece posted sometime next week, after which I’ll take everyone who voted out to dinner. Please? It’ll be fun, really! You just don’t understand how alone and cold and empty and scared a man can be. Oh, God…I can…I can feel Death’s grip tightening, ever tightening…

See you next time!