Remembering Republicans (if you must)

2008 will be remembered for many things: the nationwide financial crisis, skyrocketing gas prices, the rebooting of Beverly Hills 90210. But most of all, it will be forever remembered as the year Republicans – those strange, awful creatures who specialize in helping those who can already help themselves – had their collective asses handed to them in November. (Yeah, I know, the last thing any of us want to think about again is the election, but come on: doesn’t it feel good?)

Republicans are an odd bunch, known to cheat their way into power and spend the ensuing eight years pissing and moaning about the mean ol’ liberal media and the naughty-waughty New York Times. When not rooting around in garbage cans like the feral raccoons they sometimes resemble, Republicans tend to hole up in soul-sucking suburbs while quietly contributing to the continued careers of Lee Greenwood and Sunday Night Football’s Al Michaels. They can assume almost any form: parents, teachers, and perhaps most insidiously of all, Facebook friends, where they typically pose as cute theater girls you had a crush on in high school while you were playing the part of Percy in The Miracle Worker (it’s funny because it’s true). Republicans are bad losers, worse winners, and only slightly less insufferable than their close cousins, Libertarians.

In the wake of our historic recent election – and before the few remaining GOP-ers are shipped off and put into cold storage (that’s what happens after these things, right?) – I thought it might be useful to look back on these endangered, obsolete hate-mongers and offer up short profiles detailing who they were before they were silenced forever. (I mean, it’s not as if an Obama presidency will actually embolden these yahoos, right? Right?) In the interest of brevity, I’ve whittled the field down to two local douchebags: WTMJ “personality” Charlie Sykes, and Journal Sentinel columnist Patrick McIlheran.

Charlie Sykes

Everyone knows Charlie Sykes is the devil incarnate. Hell, even Sykes himself must suspect something’s up. The proof is indisputable: he has a top-rated radio program in which he parrots back the most inane right-wing talking points; he hosts an equally evil and insipid television show every Sunday night; he lives in Mequon. Case closed.

Sykes is your typical conservative blowhard who likes sticking it to the usual suspects: gays, women, Mexicans, college graduates. He’s also the author of a slew of crappy books. In his 2007 crime against humanity, 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School, Sykes (who pulls a Ricky/Rick Schroder and goes by Charles Sykes) spends 192 interminable pages passing off generic “Cut your hair, get a job and get off my lawn!” turds as good ol’ common sense that those pole-smoking liberals won’t teach ya’ in those fancy special needs schools. Take this chestnut, for example:

“The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.”

Damn straight Charlie – er, Charles. I mean, why don’t these kids just give up on that whole “childhood” thing and just get used to the real world already (or, barring that, Mequon). Suck on that lemon you latte-sipping, feeling-good-about-yourselves, Mr. Rogers-loving freaks!

Patrick McIlheran

I feel kind of bad for Patrick McIlheran. His Journal Sentinel blog, “Right On” (har har) is so boring that it usually draws the same number of user comments as mine. Disregarding spam and encouraging words from my mother, that number comes out to a big, fat zero. See Pat, we’re in this thing together.

McIlheran – something of a Smithers to Sykes’ Mr. Burns – fancies himself a right-leaning, easygoing, funny kind of guy, a description that once again proves Meat Loaf’s maxim that two out of three ain’t bad. Take, for instance, his print column from November 5, in which he suggests his reader(s) begin the “resistance” by indulging in some decidedly un-PC, liberal-baiting activities like eating triple-Whopper cheeseburgers and renting Red Dawn. Zing! Hey Patrick, don’t stop there: throw in a line about driving around in a SUV with baby seal eyes for headlights, and you’ve got a great Denis Leary bit, circa 1993!

All of this is couched in a smug “aw, shucks” routine that comes in handy when – oh, I don’t know – your political party is utterly decimated on Election Day. After spending all of 2008 spewing the lamest anti-Obama rhetoric, McIlheran claimed in a November 5 blog that (cue the sound of crickets) “I’m pretty much over the election. Outside of my work, politics just isn’t that big a part of ordinary life.” Riiiiiiight.

Now, lest I come off as a sore winner, I’d like to propose a friendly challenge. On the VITAL Source website (vitalsourcemag.com) you’ll find videos of me performing stirring, dramatic readings from the works of both Sykes and McIlheran. I invite these two gentlemen to do the same, by posting dramatic readings of my past columns, all of which can be found online. For Sykes, I recommend the one where I crash a labor rally and a burlesque show in the same week (October 2006); for McIlheran, the one where I infiltrate a gay flash mob and spend 750 words reminiscing about early-90s raves (March 2008) seems about right. After a few months, the one with the most YouTube hits wins; the loser can man up and buy a few rounds at the winner’s favorite bar. It’ll be all friendly-like, and any promotional proceeds can be donated to a needy cause, like the Republican National Committee (snap!). Hell, I’ll even drive to Mequon if necessary. VS