My greatest teachers

By Lucky Tomaszek

I am lying on the couch with one child spooned up against my belly and another lying on my side. We are covered with a blanket and the television is quietly playing in the background. I doze in and out while they watch a movie. Jeffrey, my youngest, whispers, “You’re the best snuggler in the world, Mama. I love you.” I melt into the couch and drift off once again.

A very long day

The scene above happened the day after I had disappeared for 14 hours to attend an all-night birth. When I came home in the morning, I was exhausted. Fatigue made me achy and cranky. We had a busy day in front of us, with chores and obligations scheduled throughout the afternoon. I had attempted a brief nap in the morning, but had given up when I couldn’t fall asleep easily. My temper was so short the kids kept their distance and waited the day out. I don’t even know how many times I snapped at them as we moved through the afternoon and into the evening.

By the time the sun went down, I was frustrated with myself for my behavior toward them. It wasn’t their fault that I was tired, and I knew it. My inner voice was berating me with vigor and I wondered again if my children would only remember these hard days when they looked back as adults. But then, as if by magic, we found ourselves curled up on the couch, passing the evening in peace.

The haves and the have-nots of feelings

My kids are good. It’s my opinion that almost all kids are good kids, actually, even when they have a hard time holding their behavior together. They come equipped with enormous hearts to give and receive great big love, and with a desire to do so.

They also come with all of the other emotions that we have as adults: sadness, anger, frustration, joy, fear and on and on. What they don’t have is the ability to communicate about those feelings. As infants and toddlers, they don’t yet have the words to tell us exactly how they’re feeling. As school-age children and teens, they often don’t have the context to explain it coherently. The fact that the ability to articulate their emotions haven’t developed doesn’t mean that those feelings are any less real or valid than any of ours. When a toddler is jealous enough to bite, when a second grader is angry enough to punch and when a 16 year old is crazy to proclaim true love all over their biology folder – it’s as real as it gets. Behavior needs to be molded, and corrected in many instances, but the emotions are pure.

When my own behavior is out of line, like it was many times during the day I described earlier, I apologize to my kids and tell them why I was misbehaving. I don’t do it to excuse myself, but just to explain. This gives them context, not only for the way I act, but also for their own emotions and reactions. It also demonstrates respect, both for them and for my own feelings. And though apologizing is a steadfast rule for me, I had let it slip all day. I had done the very thing we often get frustrated with our children for doing – not using my words and acting out. As we trudged through one chore after another, I felt like a 4 year old. I wanted to just sit down, cry and refuse to finish my work without one word.

Thankful for the end of the day

In the end, it was my daughter Emma who brought me around. Our work for the day was finally completed and we were all a little frazzled. Looking at the clock, I knew it was at least two more hours before bedtime, and I wasn’t sure how I was going make it. Then I heard her sweet voice whisper, “Mama, wanna watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with us? On the couch? You can even lay down if you want.” I looked at her gratefully and issued my apology for sniping and harping all day long. Before I could get to my explanation, she nodded and said, “It’s O.K. You’ve had a long day, Mama. And you’re very tired. You should just lay down with us.” So I did.

While one of my main jobs as a parent is to teach my children, I was given a remedial lesson by children and granted clemency for my own insolence. I was reminded that not only do kids come with the ability to love, they come with the willingness to forgive and move on. VS