Week 5 — Lions win (our attention) by default
Week 5 Recap
Pittsburgh Steelers 28, Detroit Lions 20
I can’t remember a more meaningless week in the NFL. Uneven matchups? Check. Bland storylines? Check. Defending champs vs. the “flatliners of history?” Checkmate.
Daunte Culpepper stepped in for the injured and “week to week” Matthew Stafford. To Culpepper’s credit, he took the Lions as far as they could possibly go, passing for 282 yards and a touchdown. His passer rating surpassed the state of Michigan’s unemployment rate, which meant everyone won a chalupa. The difference in this game should have come down to Calvin Johnson’s athletic ability, but Johnson left the game after re-aggravating a leg injury — he caught one pass for two yards.
Ben Roethlisberger, who has somehow become one of the top three quarterbacks in the league, passed for 277 yards and three touchdowns. For the second week in a row, Rashard Mendenhall supplanted Willie Parker as the Pittsburgh running back nobody gives a crap about, running for 77 yards and one touchdown. Culpepper had a chance to tie up the game with a late fourth quarter drive, but, much like his career, it stalled like an overweight party boat cruising Lake Minnetonka.
In a game all but over shortly after it began, the Vikings cruised to a decisive victory and a snazzy 5-0 record on the season, thanks to a plethora of Rams fumbles and the “ably thrown” passes of ‘Sippi Smooth’ Brett Favre. Jared Allen returned one of the aforementioned Rams fumbles for a touchdown, in the process adding another shark tooth to the “Sharp Skillz” tooth necklace he purchased at the Ron Jon’s in Key West. Backup Vikes QB Tavaris Jackson was allowed to play the fourth quarter while Favre circled Nov. 1st on his calendar over and over and over.
Green Bay Packers 1, Bye Week 0
Mike McCarthy spent Sunday in the parking lot of the Texas Roadhouse in Ashwaubenon, where he held impromptu tryouts for the battered offensive line. After wasting several hours watching overweight men plod through assorted tire drills, a desperate McCarthy was prepared to offer 32-year-old Mark Baumgartner of Suamico a spot on the roster. At that exact moment former Packer lineman Mark Tauscher arrived at the Oneida Street restaurant for his “Sunday Funday” meal and was immediately signed.
GridIron Girl is Divisionaries’ occasional NFL gossip round-up.
Hola, my Freres and Fraus! Gridiron Girl here, reporting on all the tight ends, Ex’s and Oh’s, and sometimes even football.
This week all the fun starts where most fun ends — getting sober. No one has the heart to tell Vikings defensive end Jared Allen that they liked him better when he was a crew-cutted Everclear-guzzling 69er back in Kansas City! Nowadays Mullet McSackdance gets overly animated at nothing just to prove he doesn’t need to drink to have fun, and, in doing so, ruins everyone else’s good time.
And speaking of Fun Bobbys on the right end, Rush Limbaugh wants to buy the strugglin’ St. Louis Rams. But it’s not all Vicodin-stuffed polish sausage just yet for the great corpulent/crapulent communicator: Limbaugh’s bid is in limbo as the Rams might leave the state (as any smart-minded gal might do when their suitor is super stout). Plus, there’s that little issue commissioner Roger Goodell pointed out about White Rushy — his much-publicized distaste of black quarterbacks. R.God said, “When there are comments that have been made that are inappropriate, incendiary and insensitive … our words do damage, and it’s something that we don’t need.”
Well said! Hmmm, I wonder if The Commish has anything to say about Rodney Harrison’s comment to Tom “Cherub” Brady on NBC: “…if you’re listening, take off the skirt and put on some slacks — toughen up”. I think I speak for all Gridiron Gals, including Roger Goodell, when I say, “TOM BRADY DOES NOT WEAR A SKIRT! AND IF HE DID IT WOULD BE A RED, TWEED KNEE-HIGH TARTAN KILT BECAUSE THOSE ARE SO HOT THIS FALL, AND HE COULD TOTALLY PULL IT OFF!!!” Whew. Sorry, I get defensive about my Brady-baby, and now I’m all worked up. Time to grab some Malbec and watch my fave YouTube clip over and over.
Last Saturday was the Second Annual Onesie Party (Presented by Divisionaries) at The Orbit Room in Chicago. As agreed upon before the NFL season began, the person with the fewest number of NFC North games picked correctly after four weeks would have to wear the Detroit Lions “Shirt of Shame” in public.
After four weeks, Rob and Kenny tied for last place.
On Saturday, the shirt was flashdance’d by Rob’s wife, Midwest Needles‘ Kerith, and then cleverly snuck into The Orbit Room under Rob’s wolf sweatshirt. After the shirt’s awesomeness became too much to contain, the wolf sweatshirt was removed and the Lions “Shirt of Shame,” along with Rob’s bare shoulder and chest hair, was on shameful display.
If you’d like to share in more of Rob’s shame and see exclusive photos of Kenny wearing the shirt on the Blue Line, become a fan of Divisionaries on Facebook.
Minnesota vs. Baltimore (Kenny & Matt pick MIN; Rob & Brian pick BAL)
Comeuppance! Save for the 49ers fluke win, the Vikes may as well have been playing the Little Giants: Cleveland, Detroit, Green Bay, St. Louis … with a combined record of 4-and-15. Favre will be a little sore — not from old age, but by the incessant verbal fellatio of adoring color commentators. —Brian
Baltimore’s two-game losing streak will turn to three as they have trouble concentrating with a stadium full of the worst-dressed people next to Raiders’ fans and Robin Williams. —Matt
Green Bay over Detroit (Consensus Pick )
More nasty sacks than a Turkish bath house. Calvin Johnson is put on injured reserve after Lions Offensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham calls on the talented wide receiver to try and carry the whole offense, literally. —Brian
Green Bay Mayor Jim Schmitt’s unusual wager with Detroit Mayor Dave Bing to purchase Detroit-made automobiles for every government worker in Detroit if the Lions win will, in hindsight, be viewed as an unnecessarily cruel joke on the city after the Packers win decisively. Nevertheless, Dave Bing will honor his commitment to ride the train at Bay Beach. —Rob
Chicago vs. Atlanta (Matt picks ATL; Rob, Brian and Kenny pick CHI)
This will be the same rematch as last year. With a similar ending. The Bears fall in OT, and Al Michaels will gush over that priss, Matt Ryan. In a way, everyone loses during those awful Sunday night games. —Kenny
Ludacris will not be able to show up for his usual pregame pep talk, leading to crabby and sobbing Atlanta players moping around for most of the game. —Matt