October Surprises
The first presidential debate is tonight, but Will Durst has his eye on the campaign's real gamechanger, The October Surprise.
When the end draws near and prospects darken, and polls solidify in the wrong direction, and the base sinks lower than the toenail clippings of a Galapagos turtle, does the practiced political operative give up? No sir, they whip out their secret weapon. Not the candidate’s spouse. The real ace up the sleeve—The October Surprise.
A last minute revelation guaranteed to rip the skin off the opponent’s slick exterior and expose him or her to be the morally bereft fire-breathing extremist everyone was secretly afraid they were. Then again, it could be a tax cut or lavish promise or a grandstanding self- inflating shot of adrenaline. “You never suspected I was this good, did you?”
Even front-runners need to be prepared. After all, one good October Surprise deserves another. “They pull a knife. You pull a gun. He sends one of yours in the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago Way. And that’s how you get Romney.”
The October Surprise is the joker in the American electoral deck of cards. Dealt under the table and below the belt. After minds have been made up and money spent, a well-played OS can turn a game around quicker than three crews of NFL replacement refs. Here’s a sample of the sort of shenanigans we can expect in the coming month.
OCTOBER 8
Barack Obama announces a deal with Jamba Juice to place coupons for free fruit smoothies on the backs of all 1040 forms.
OCTOBER 11
Immediately after Vice Presidential debate, Joe Biden disappears for rest of campaign. Nobody, including family and personal staff, notices. The police don’t suspect foul play. Then again, they don’t rule it out either.
OCTOBER 13
Mitt Romney vows, if elected, to write a $250 personal check to every man, woman & child in America. Fox News calls this a game changer.
OCTOBER 15
Donald Trump unveils a cave painting in Provence, France that portrays a figure that looks eerily like Barack Obama descending from what appears to be a space ship.
OCTOBER 18
On way to a rally in Langley, Virginia, Barack Obama stops motorcade to run into burning building, saving three-year-old twins.
OCTOBER 19
Inspired by Larry Ellison’s purchase of the Hawaiian Island of Lanai, the Koch Brothers offer 200 billion for Ohio. As is.
OCTOBER 21
On the way to church, Romney personally beats off masked bullies who are attempting to impale a litter of puppies with nail guns. Shar pei puppies. The cutest kind.
OCTOBER 24
Blurry YouTube video surfaces showing Barack Obama chain smoking cigarettes in the loading bay of a Toledo convention center before a fund raiser.
OCTOBER 28
The State Comptroller of Ohio announces the Koch Brothers sale cannot go through due to the fact that George Soros has already acquired 60 percent of the state.
OCTOBER 30
The LA Times releases grainy time-lapse photographic evidence of Mitt Romney at a Portsmouth, New Hampshire coffee shop downing three triple espressos.
5 time Emmy-nominee Will Durst has just released a new e- book on the 2012 campaign: Elect to Laugh! published by Hyperink. Available at Redroom.com or Amazon.
