Yes, Virginia, Some Men Are Pigs

What the hell is the deal with male politicians these days? Have they lost their minds? Guys, they’re giving all us men a bad name. And with Charlie Sheen still on the loose, we need the negative publicity the way a platypus needs another spiny knob at the end of its tail. Maybe the reptilian core at the base of our brains senses mortality, causing caution to be thrown to the wind and spiral into Bacchanalian chaos. Or maybe we’re just stupider and getting caught more.

I’m specifically speaking about Dominique Strauss- Kahn, the French former managing director of the International Monetary Fund, accused of assaulting a maid in his Manhattan hotel room. Strauss-Kahn then petitioned for bail claiming not to be a flight risk, even though he was apprehended trying to fly back to Paris. Which, if you ask me, is the definition of a flight risk. Dude, you were on a flight. And are a hell of a risk.

This isn’t DSK’s first trip down Abuse of Power Alley. So many women (not afraid anymore) are coming forward that French officials might start requiring parade permits. It’s easy to see why his friends are upset about him being photographed in handcuffs on a perp walk; the guy looks guiltier than a priest roaming the halls of a boys school with a pocket full of condoms at 3 a.m. Of course, most successful men over 60 share that guilty gleam. Nobody with that kind of power is ever truly innocent.

Strauss- Kahn comes out of the Berlusconi mold with force and intimidation supplanting money and influence, but the transgressions remain the same. There’s something creepy about these sneaky, silky-smoot suave European pols who can’t stop loving the ladies. You know them — the guys who force you to avert your eyes at the pool while they strut around in those tight bikini-bottom bathing suits like plum smuggling peacocks.

I get it that power is an aphrodisiac, but how and where do all these mens acquire this “your-silly-laws-don’t-apply-to-me” attitude? Is there a secret society that escorts the newly elected to a cave, bends them over, and administers a series of ceremonial entitlement shots? Then again, most politicians don’t need the shots — that sense of entitlement is more like a prerequisite. All those rallies and sycophants and phony smiles and eventually just like mom warned, your face does freeze that way.

There are too many miscreants for it to be a coincidence — look at the last couple years (and I’m only listing big profile guys): Clinton. Edwards. Livingston. Gingrich. Vitter. Villaraigosa. Gibbons. Foley. Hutchinson. Sherwood. Allen. McGreevy. Ensign. Craig. Sanford. Spitzer.

And now former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted infidelity. Shocker, hunh. Who knew?

Arnold fathered a son with his housekeeper, who continued to work for the family for the next 10- 14 years. Talk about work ethic. And think of the nerve it took not telling your wife while your illegitimate kid is wandering around the house for more than a decade. That’s chutzpah. The Governator may have taken that whole “acting like a member of the Kennedy clan” thing just a little too far. Of course he may end up hailed as a family hero anyhow… by making JFK look good in comparison.

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer (and Milwaukee native) Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.