The Prince and the Bald Spot (or how he got his hairball)

Once upon a time there was a Prince named William. Though his birth was celebrated by his parents, Diana and Charles, he was doomed from the start to have a bald spot, handed down through the ages and courtesy of the Royal Males who also had them. But hold it there, old chap. It seems the problem is rooted in the female, and is known as the “curse of the Windsors.” Think not that “all the glitters is gold.” If it shines in a spotlight during a Royal Wedding, with all the world tuned in…it may be –(dramatic pause) –THE BALD SPOT.

As William grew to tall manhood and ever nearer to his (impending) 2011 wedding, common folk everywhere began discussing…not his nuptials in late April (to the lithesome Middleton lass), but rather they nattered on about his bald spot. Would he wear a clever cap on his wedding day? You may surmise that a Royal Prince would have any number of options at his disposal, and so be it, but with the world watching the happy pair march down the long endless abbey aisle, it’s fair to say that a bald spot could, if not properly controlled, steal the show.

It should be noted here that Prince Wm.’s grandma, the heavily haired Queen E., has nothing to worry about. Nor does his brother, the aptly named Prince Harry, lack in the department of follicles. They are amply endowed, though it has been speculated that the Queen perhaps has an emerging bald spot, but who’s to say, as she’s given to wearing silly hats. As for her consort, the regal Prince Philip, he doesn’t have enough on his pate to fiddle with, besides which, we all cut him some slack for marrying a lady who seems never to be without a purse. I had an aunt like that.

If only the populace would cease focusing on THE BALD SPOT. Come to think of it, surely in the kingdom there must be a product to fix the thing. A special gift brought in at zero hour: a magnificent hair weave; a can of something to spritz on the spot that’s lacking even the remotest hint of fuzz? A magic lotion, or perhaps a toupee (but here I caution him to buy only a good one so as not to appear foolish).

Of course, if the aforementioned bald spot disappears on his wedding day, won’t that cause even more controversy? ‘Tis better to let it shine.

So let the bells ring and the fairytale unfold as all fun tales are wont to do. Folks will cheer over their fish & chips, crushing crowds will revel in the glory of a real Royal Wedding, for not since the day thirty years ago when Diana stepped from a fairytale carriage and forthwith into the arms of Charles (who allegedly swooned for Camilla and her hair) and also the motley realm of silk sheets, diamonds and pending disasters  will being a Brit seem quite so British.

And should they produce wee Royals, Godspeed each will come fully and forever blessed with hair aplenty. My advice to them is to hold fast to each and every strand. Remember this: William and his father, Prince Charles, both started shedding in their late-twenties. Not that there is anything wrong with a bald spot that gets ever larger. And larger. And larger.