Week 17 — For real this time

Week 17 Recap

Chicago Bears 37, Detroit Lions 23
James Joyce once wrote, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” The Detroit Lions have never heard this quote.

The Chicago Bears late awakening on offense was enough to overcome their injury-depleted defense, as a result sending the Detroit Lions to a 2-14 season.

Jay Cutler followed up his Monday night success with four touchdowns on 276 yards of passing. Even better, Chicago may have found their go-to receiver in Devin Aromashodu — Cutler found the “Better Devin” twice as the Lions attempted to creep back into the game. Greg Olsen also had a huge game with five catches on 94 yards with one touchdown.

The Lions should have known they were in trouble when Chris Myers made a bad terrorism joke relating to their defensive line. Daunte Culpepper, unfazed by ill-timed jokes, threw for two touchdowns on 262 yards while filling in for Matthew Stafford. Detroit’s offseason will be spent brainstorming a new way to waste a high draft pick, adding more “pieces” to the “puzzle” and hoping nobody gets lost at sea.

Green Bay Packers 33, Arizona Cardinals 10
Like a Big Ten football game, there was nothing truly at stake during Sunday’s game in Phoenix. The Vikings had just finished clinching the second seed and a first round bye in the playoffs, leaving Arizona and Green Bay with a contractually obligated practice session at University of Phoenix Stadium.

Green Bay used the faux game to sustain their late season momentum and give Packers fans an inflated sense of security heading into the wild-card rematch this Sunday. Cardinals QB Kurt Warner played all of one quarter, leaving plenty of time for backup QB Matt Leinart to scare the absolute crap out of Cardinals fans and pad the already impressive stats of the Packers defense. Charles Woodson’s interception cum TD — his ninth on the year — set a career high for the cagey veteran.

Aaron Rodgers looked impressive, per usual, in three quarters of play and Mason Crosby managed to make it through an entire game without missing any field goals. Pump that fist, Mason!

Minnesota Vikings 44, New York Giants 7
There were some people that thought the Giants were going to be good this year and there were some people that thought the Vikings were going to be good this year. One group was right. The other? Painfully wrong.

The Giants were embarrassingly blown out by the Vikings, a team that had just been embarrassingly beaten by the Bears the week prior.

It looked like Minnesota was getting into playoff mode against the Giants, which is great for those who think it’s cool to wear horns in a dome. Favre plowed over the New York secondary, completing 80 percent of his passes for 316 yards and four touchdown tosses. Adrian Peterson only had nine carries, but still found his way into the end zone.

It was obvious the Giants were flustered by the Vikings’ easy success against them, as the team managed to rack up 13 penalties for a loss of 95 yards. Good Ol’ Eli Manning lobbed an interception and lost a fumble to ensure the franchise won’t be heading to the playoffs this year. That’s a New York bummer (for them).

___________________________

___________________________

Brian fled to Europe rather than produce his cheesecake photos in the Lions shirt o’ shame. Hopefully, once he returns we’ll have another heaping helping of embarrassing to display. In the interim, it’s time for the playoffs!

Green Bay Packers over Arizona Cardinals (Consensus!)

I made the mistake of going with my gut feeling last weekend and picked the Cardinals to beat the Pack. Unfortunately, Arizona took the day off, sat back and tried to get a tan, allowing themselves to get destroyed. I learned my lesson. Green Bay’s got this one in the bag because I have a feeling Arizona wants to remain on vacation. — MK

If I have to see Matt Leinart play in another meaningless game, I’ll be very upset. — KB

Packers complete the trifecta against the Cards, winning the only game of the three that actually matters.  — RV

Dallas Cowboys over Philadelphia Eagles (Consensus!)

Here’s two teams that I have consistently hated all my life. Add Joe Buck and Troy Aikman to the pot and you have hatefuck jambalaya! — KB

I feel like I saw this game already, and I feel like Philly got shut out. It might have been a dream, but sometimes dreams do come true.  — MK

The best part about this game is that no matter which coach loses, they’ll probably be fired! — RV

___________________________

Are you on Twitter, too?! OMG!

Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).