Week 8 — Unsatisfied
Week 8 Recap
Minnesota Vikings 38, Green Bay Packers 26
Favre’s return to Lambeau drove a lot of crazy people crazier than they normally are. Unfortunately, they’ll have to wait until the playoffs to get whatever revenge they think they deserve.
The Vikings cruised to a solid halftime lead, much like they did in the first meeting, with Adrian Peterson’s calming influence on Brett Favre. Defensive miscues, atrocious penalties and an anemic offense cursed the Packers throughout the first half.
The offense opened it up in the third quarter and clawed their way back to within 4 points, thanks to a fumbled kickoff return and two touchdown receptions by journeyman TE Spencer Havner. That was as close as the Packers would get, as Favre picked apart the Packers defense for two fourth-quarter touchdowns to keep the game and Packers fans’ satisfaction out of reach once again.
This game was sure to be awful, but managed to avoid being the lamest game of the season so far.
The Edward Jones Shanty-Dome was so quiet during play that you could hear the conversations of listless spectators. In the second quarter with the Lions trailing, QB Matthew Stafford threw a red zone interception that was returned out of the end zone — and then back in — giving then-tackler, Lions RB Kevin Smith, a rare offensive safety. At that point, the score itself was offensive, 3 to 2 — a hockey-yawner, at best.
Just before halftime, the Rams scored on a fake field goal attempt (which makes sense, as they’re currently in the middle of a fake NFL season).
Then, like the Dark Ages, nothing happened for a long time.
Stafford responded with a serviceable long drive, a sneak into the endzone and a 2-point conversion (technically, his second of the game) to make it a 10-10 tie. “Which team will be the un-loser today?,” pondered the viewing audience of roughly 10 people. The answer was: Stephen Jackson. Whoever gets to sit in Stephen Jackson’s locker room is the un-loser. S-Jax barreled through the Lions D all game and was simply too much in the backstretch. He even scored the game-sealing touchdown — his first of the year.
Chicago Bears 30, Cleveland Browns 6
Welcome to Midwest Pillow Fight 2009!
Wash down that bratwurst with a lukewarm Budweiser and find your seat so you can witness two, dithering offenses play a shy game of grab ass!
Let me introduce the cast of this sad coming-of-age tale …. Midwest style!
For the Bears, we have Jay Cutler — Jay’s acting strengths are knowing the right way to fall when his line doesn’t block for him, and writing mental hate notes to Ron Turner.
Next up is Matt Forte — besides the defense, he’s the only one who knows how to spell “productive.”
Wipe that mustard off your face before we head over to the swampy, decaying sideline of Cleveland.
Do you like the binary code? Is your favorite number of the mathematical duo zero? It’s Derek Anderson’s, too! He liked it so much Sunday, he made it his passing rating for most of the game!
All in all, the lopsided game was a boring one … if you watched it on TV. I was there! It was fun, suckers! Where is my middle column on the Browns?!
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Dimtwitz is Divisionaries’ Twitter scrapbook for the bizarre and banal among NFL twits.
There’s been a veritable cornucopia of hot Twitter action (Twaction?) since our last Twitposé on the utterly boring goings-on of NFL players on Twitter. Let’s dig into it!
Mere days after we blew the lid off of the Twitter phenomenon (Twitposé?), New York Jets WR David Clowney tweeted his frustration over a lack of playing time. Jets Coach Rex Ryan, a Twitterphobe of the highest order, probably used a landline telephone to let Clowney know he was suspended for the next game against Tennessee. Twackdown!
Viking TE Visanthe Shiancoe shared a grainy Twitpic of Vikings head coach Brad Childress dressed as a flight attendant aboard their plane to Pittsburgh. The Vikings subsequently lost to the Steelers. Needless to say, Brad Childress is not an expert in motivational techniques. Twitterfail!
Alleged ball-carrier Larry Johnson, rumored to be playing football for a minor-league team in Kansas City (Twit-over Country?), relieved his anger with Chiefs head coach Todd Haley with a little tweet therapy:
“my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!”
“My father played for the coach from “rememeber the titans”. Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn”
When someone suggested that maybe, just maybe, it’s Larry’s fault that he falls downs “when d-linemen blow on you,” Johnson unleashed a little Twitophobia:
“@jaredlaunius think bout a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u.”
I wonder what East Coast cats call homophobia? Does Larry realize he plays a game with more drama, pageantry and crotch shots than a Pride Parade float on Halsted Street? Larry will have plenty of time to Google his father — or perhaps find a fucking clue — now that he’s suspended for Week 9. Here’s hoping he has a Tweetpiphany!
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We collectively went 1-2 last week, ending Kenny’s 4 weeks of perfection. This week’s lineup is similar, featuring two relatively lopsided games and one competitive matchup. Rob and Brian are trailing at 4-5 each, with Matt one game ahead with a 5-4 record. With two weeks left before the next Lions shirt shaming, Kenny has a commanding lead with an 7-2 record.
Detroit at Seattle (Consensus pick: Seattle)
Seattle will run away with this early. The only entertaining part will be the color scheme when Seattle and Detroit players tackle each other. Blue! Green! Blue! Green! It’s like I’m on the beach in Aruba! —KB
Lions QB Matt Stafford throws 6 picks in the loss, later admitting he was pre-occupied thinking about which “totally sweet” exhibit he should see first at the Experience Music Project. —BB
Arizona at Chicago (Kenny stands by his Bears; everyone else picks Arizona)
While the Bears might think playing at home will help their cause, it turns out the Cards play better on the road. Chicago is not only outmatched here, but I also have a feeling their new idea of designating positions by drawing names out of a hat isn’t going to help any. —MK
Green Bay at Tampa Bay (Consensus pick: Green Bay)
What better way to get the tartar taste of Brett Favre out of their mouth than playing in the pirate ship of Tampa. Packer fans can sit still, because the Bucs will. —KB
Follow Divisionaries on Twitter for up-to-the-second coverage of the worst Bears losses in recent memory, continuing coverage of the rumored return of Christian Okoye and some actual football news.
Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
