Balloon Boy, YouTube and Warhol’s Dystopia
Fig.1: I actually have no caption for how awesome this photo is.
I realize that the shelf-life of the Balloon Boy story expired at approximately 5:14 p.m. two Thursdays ago, when my friend Emily posted on my Facebook that ironically named and earthbound Falcon Henne was found alive, Anne Frank style (to say nothing of the moment everyone got a good look at the balloon in question and thought, “Um, wait, that thing is TINY and obviously incapable of supporting the weight of a live human”). But what continues to haunt me is how the story evolved during the day:
Step 1: OH MY GOD, BOY TRAPPED IN WEIRD-ASS WEATHER BALLOON.
Step 2: Hey, this family was on Wife Swap. Wtf?!?
Step 3: CRISPY JESUS ON A BARBECUE SPIT, BALLOON BOY IS IN A RAP VIDEO WITH HIS BROTHERS. WHAT IN THE CRUNK IS GOING ON? (Note: Please, do watch this. About a minute in is when one of the kids sits on the can dressed like Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, and my brain shorts out.)
Fig.2: My friends and I have been trying to determine if that’s Steve Albini on harmonica.
It’s now common knowledge that the whole thing was a stunt, and the Henne family are weirdos trying to find fame as fringe scientists and storm chasers (which, I don’t care how popular Mythbusters has become, most people don’t get rock-star famous from science. Bill Nye got discovered via sketch comedy, and Stephen Hawking … well, he’s the exception because he’s the smartest human being alive. Anyway, no one in the Henne family is a looker on the level of that Kari girl from Mythbusters, so they’re just not marketable, no matter how many hilariously awful theme songs Papa Henne’s penned. If they had only consulted me before this balloon stunt, they would have avoided a meaty slab of embarrassment. But then again, hey, it’s attention). Still, this perfect storm of 24-hour news, reality TV and Internet video meme colliding in a fusion reaction of instant media, to me, signaled the arrival of Andy Warhol’s 15-Minute Fame Dystopia. We’ve all seen it coming for years, but there’s no longer any disputing its arrival, although I’m a little surprised that it happened before my still-pending prediction that Skynet will emerge self-aware from VH1’s hosting of a “VH1’s Top 100 All-Time VH1 Countdowns” special (in actuality, I now think that Skynet’s secret identity is probably Google Wave — no, I’m not on it, so don’t ask me for an invite).
“The victim, D.J. Hostettler, claimed to be a local ‘musician’ whose band specialized more in annoying noises and clearing rooms than writing songs. Obsessed with his own appearance, as multiple references to his beard on his Facebook profile attest, he can be seen in the following YouTube video drunkenly acting out his rock-star fantasies, courtesy the Paula Abdul classic ‘Straight Up.’ Let’s not get into his junior high-level writing.”
And, if friends of mine are beset by tragedy? Their bright, shining moment of media embarrassment will likely be my fault, too. “Known by the unfortunate moniker, ‘The Fucking Wizard,’ apparently, thanks to this tragic 1990s haircut and beard, the victim can be seen here attempting to take advantage of drunk townies in Missouri with what can only be assumed to be some sort of awkward mating ritual.” Ya know, it was funny when I drunkenly shot this footage, but now that I realize that I have inadvertently framed the context of my poor bass player’s moment in the CNN sun I’m sure karma will take sweet vengeance when I show up online in some incriminating security camera footage during On the Border’s lunch buffet or something. It’s only inevitable — ask Fat Star Wars Kid, the “Leave Britney Alone” dude or Attack! Attack!. You only get to be known for one thing, ever. What’s worse — being the guy who was in a video with a monkey bartender or being the guy who performed “Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk?” Either way, we’re all as screwed as little Falcon was after he said, “We did it for the show.” Because if you’re on YouTube, you did it for the show, too.
