Week 6 — Comebacks aplenty
Atlanta Falcons 21, Chicago Bears 14
Bratty franchises tend to credit themselves for wins — and discredit their opponents for losses — but in some cases it’s warranted. This slopfest featured two teams struggling to make the other look worse. Choosing a winner here is like choosing the prettiest Bills cheerleader.
Despite leading in run and pass offense, third down conversion and time-of-possession, the Bears still found a way to lose. How? By playing like a team that took a damned Bye Year. Bonehead penalties abounded, while Chicago failed to score any points in three separate Red Zone trips in a game that was eventually won by a single touchdown. Bears defense missed two easy interceptions, and Lance Briggs missed a “gimme” fumble — Pisa Tinoisamoa’s right knee then shattered from disappointment. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler dodged non-blitz pressure to throw two picks and countless floaters; Matt Forte fumbled in back-to-back goal line runs; and the Bears secondary decided to fumble both their interceptions for shits & giggles.
Without starters Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, the Lions never had a chance. Aaron Rodgers survived another weak performance from his offensive line to throw for 358 yards and two touchdowns in a positive performance coming off a bye week. The Packers defense combined for five sacks and three interceptions, and Donald Driver set the franchise reception mark in this romp over a depleted Lions squad. Sadly, Driver is still one game shy of eclipsing Sterling Sharpe’s record for absolutely horrible video games.
Daunte Culpepper started in place of the injured Stafford, but a third-quarter injury opened the door for the first appearance of Divisionaries’ favorite Lion, Drew Stanton, in second half mop-up qb duties. Yay for Drew.
Minnesota Vikings 33, Baltimore Ravens 31
Call it luck if you want, but the Vikings are still undefeated. Minnesota utilized that Peterson guy and some character by the name of Sidney Rice to create what should have been a comfortable lead over Baltimore. However, the Vikings’ defense got a little too cozy, and while they sat around in slippers drinking cocoa and playing Canasta the Ravens took advantage. Joe Flacco stepped up to the plate with two touchdown passes in the fourth quarter, and the other Rice (of the Ray variety) added a late touchdown, allowing Baltimore to take the lead at 31 – 30.
Unfortunately for the Ravens, Ryan “Brett’s Schoolyard Chum” Longwell hit a 31-yard field goal to give the Vikings a two-point lead (or 33 – 31 for all you knuckleheads). To make matters worse, Baltimore blew its chance to win when shankster Steven Hauschka went wide left on a 44 yard field goal attempt, finally giving Matt Stover a reason to send a mocking Harry & David “Tough Break” basket to the organization.
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Packer Fans Have Favre Right Where They Want Him
by Kenny Bernat
Week Four of the 2009 season will forever stand out in the minds and broken hearts of Packer fans everywhere — Brett Favre commanded a three touchdown performance that shook the Metrodome like a snow globe.
Imagine you’re at a party and see an ex you’d been with for a long time. You forgot what attracted you in the beginning — how great they look, their mannerisms, their humor; and now they are with somebody else. Not only that, but they’re THE couple of the party.
As a Bears fan, I had a first that night: I actually sympathized with Green Bay.
Similar moments happened to me my entire life as a Chicago sports fan. Greg Maddux was traded, then flourished in Atlanta; Chris Chelios left Chicago for Detroit and won innumerable Stanley Cups; Michael Jordan playing for the Washington Wizards and looking old — the last one was vastly overshadowed by 9/11 and me drinking my body weight freshman year of college.
Are Packer fans going to take the in-your-face embarrassment lightly? I should hope not. Here’s a few ways Packer fans can make Favre’s return to Lambeau one he won’t be able to erase with a bottle of Vicodin:
- Come to Lambeau Field Roger Ebert drunk. The more insane, classless and irrational, the better.
- Cruel signs: “Diana Favre makes Brenda Warner look like Megan Fox,” “Your appearance in Something About Mary was as funny as Caddyshack 2” or perhaps, “You contributed to Reggie White’s Sleep Apnea.”
- Commemorate Bart Starr, Don Majkowski and Aaron Rodgers in the beginning of the game. Then, the PA announcer can proclaim, “Is that every superstar quarterback we’ve had? You betcha!”
If everything goes as planned, Favre should regret turning in his green and yellow jock strap for purple pumps. And if Aaron Rodgers has a game remotely close to the one he had in the first matchup, Packer fans may get the retaliation they’re hungering for. Inflicting sweet revenge on a former lover is more powerful than love itself. It’s almost as powerful as turtles humping.
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We’re one week into Round Two of the Divisionaries’ Shirt of Shame contest. The tables have turned as Kenny, one of the two “losers” in round one, has gone from worst to first with a three-week streak of correctly predicting every single game. Let’s see if he can make it four in a row. Here’ are our picks:
Green Bay Packers over Cleveland Browns (Consensus Pick)
The trail of tears for Packers opponents continues in Cleveland, leaving more depressed midwesterners in its wake than a cancelled Bob Seger concert. —RV
Cincinnati Bengals over Chicago Bears (Rob & Brian pick CHI, Matt & Kenny pick CIN)
Suddenly Cincinasty is legit (well… legit enough); Cedric Benson obviously worked hard in the offseason — spending extra hours in the gym and developing a stronger immunity to pepper spray. Since it’s clear the Pack and the Bears will be scrumming for second place in the division this year, this Bengals game may very well be for NFC North second-place bragging rights. How sad is that? —BB
Chicago looks lost on the road. Cedric Benson looks drunk on a boat. Chad Ochocinco looks high as a plane. Jay Cutler is leading a runaway train. Bengals 28-21 —KB
Pittsburgh Steelers over Minnesota Vikings (Rob, Brian & Kenny pick PIT, Matt picks MIN)
I’m picking Minnesota until they give me a reason not to. I’m also picking suede until it gives me a reason not to. —MK
A shanked field goal kept the Vikings undefeated for another week. If Steelers kicker Jeff Reed can stay drunk enough to silence his personal demons, there’s a great chance this is the week the Viking’s luck runs out. —RV
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Follow Divisionaries on Twitter for up-to-the-second coverage of the difference between Vikings and Raiders fans, continuing coverage of the Tennessee Titans’ incurable ailment and some actual football news.
Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
Oh, Favre.
It’s funny. When I sat down (as a Bears fan) to watch the Green Bay / Minnesota game with my friend from Madison (a Pack fan), it was a completely different experience.
I, rooting for Green Bay, was actually feeling sympathetic with their loss too. On the other side, my Packer friend had never experienced the onslaught of commentator gushes about Favre’s “greatness” when he’s playing on the opposition’s team. So in a way, there’s some shared empathy.
…now let’s wait for the rematch at Lambeau.