Week 2 – Bears Steel A Win!
Week 2 Recap
Green Bay Packers 24, Cincinnati Bengals 31
A game that everyone at Divisionaries assumed would be as easy for the Packers as a Segway ride on a moving sidewalk (Segway enthusiasts, is that actually easy?) almost turned into a repeat of last week’s thrilling come-from-behind victory against the Bears. Despite another weak performance from the offensive line and a surprisingly good performance from the Bengals on both sides of the ball, Aaron Rodgers had the opportunity to lead another four-quarter comeback after the Packers recovered an onside kick with 43 seconds left in the game. A dart to Donald Driver brought them within 10 yards of a tie game and Packer fans everywhere were pumping “Dreams” like William H. Macy in Magnolia. And just like Quiz Kid Donnie Smith the Packers fell flat on their face, screwing up their one shot at the end zone with a game-ending false start penalty. — Rob Vosters
Minnesota Vikings 27, Detroit Lions 13
No one expected the Lions to do anything in this game so surprise-surprise when Detroit jumped out to an early 10-0 lead after Adrian Peterson fumbled a Brett Favre handoff — pobody’s nerfect, LOLZ! AP got 92 yards in the most infuriating way possible: going back against the grain while the Lions over-pursued like the fugly you gave your phone number to out of pity. The Lions flirtations with legitimacy ceased in the second half when they went back to what they do best: getting sacked, fumbling, getting desperate and throwing picks.
Meanwhile, Favre is proving that the Vikings QB job could be done by a charming monkey (a silverback, perhaps?). His early success nearly explains Tavaris Jackson’s inexplicably awesome passer rating of 95.4 last year. Despite leading the NFC North early in the season, Minnesota is still not pleased with JUST watching the Purple-Judas-to-Purple-Jesus connection winning them games. Noooooooooo. They want to go vertical! Lemmie get this straight: Vikes get an old, notoriously risk-taking QB to throw zero interceptions and lead the league in completion percentage, and they’re getting pouty about a lack of big plays? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?! — Brian Howe Battle
How would two widowed defenses that lost their heart and soul to Week 1’s Dead Man’s Curve play out? Pretty well, actually, which means defensive captains and true love are overrated.
A mixture of rain and new sod (the result of a U2 concert the week before) made the game play look like a water fight on a 100-yard Slip ‘n Slide. Ben Roethlisberger played like the typical, boring, slightly overweight quarterback that only he does well. Roethlisberger and a trio of Steeler running backs were able to control the pace of the game for the first three quarters, but the fourth quarter belonged to Johnny Knox. There was not a Cutler pass too high or too low for the minuscule receiver. Knox filled Bears fans with jubilation as he snared the tying touchdown, leaving Earl Bennett to wonder, “Does Jay still like me anymore?”
Jeff Reed missed kicks from 38, 43 yards away. At one point, you could hear coal miners slamming their Yuengling Black & Tan’s down on the cheap Formica counter tops in the blue-collar bars throughout the Allegheny Valley. Robbie “McNugget” Gould would show Reed how it was done, nailing a 45-yarder with 15 seconds to go. Cutler threw for two touchdowns on 236 yards of passing , enabling Chicago fans to ignore how bad running back Matt Forte is doing for another week. —Kenny Bernat
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Dimtwitz is Divisionaries’ Twitter scrapbook for the bizarre and banal among NFL twits
Twitter, the constantly misused tool of narcissists everywhere, including Divisionaries, is catching on with professional athletes and their personal assistants. Typically used to misspell words and give “shout outs” to God, Twitter has also allowed fans greater access to players than NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is comfortable with them having.
We’ve been following the semi-sweet Twitter action and the mini-controversies it’s already created. Here are a few of our favorites:
- Redskins rookie Robert Henson called fans “Dim wits!” for booing the team during Sunday’s shitty performance.
- Packers linebacker Nick Barnett recently quit Twitter because he couldn’t figure out how to make his Tweets private. He’s still having Twitter death rattles.
- Vehicular manslaughterer Donte Stallworth has plenty of time to tweet since he was suspended without pay for the entire season after killing a pedestrian while driving drunk. He’s been passing his time on Twitter sharing conspiracy theories, deep thoughts and positive motivation just in case Roger Goodell is following his tweets.
- Vikings TE Visanthe Shiancoe keeps it fairly light-hearted, snapping pics of teammates eating and creating new meanings for words.
- Finally, there’s Terrell Owens and Chad OchoCinco. Following either wide receiver’s Twitter account is like standing in a crowded bar and trying to follow every conversation all at once. Sometimes you hear something funny, but almost everything overheard is unintelligible nonsense.
—Rob Vosters
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We know that many of our readers assume the Divisionaries crew does nothing but pump out amazing football knowledge 24/7, making us the envy of everyone, but leaving little time for fun. While it’s true we’re the envy of pretty much everyone on the planet (for reasons including, but not limited to, our amazing football knowledge and impressive supply of slap bracelets), we do not spend every moment looking at stats on our multi-monitor’d computers and making the most-trusted predictions around. Sometimes, we actually let our hair down (granted, we’re able to predict when this will happen, too).
To prove how much we like to have (one possible interpretation of) a good time, we’re going to let everyone in on a friendly wager we’ve created. Here are the rules:
- Each week, every member of the Divisionaries staff submits his winner/loser picks for the upcoming games within the NFC North.
- After the games are played, points are tallied per correct prediction and written down in a very special Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. At the end of every four weeks, all points are tallied. (All math will also be done within the very special Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper).
- The person with the least amount of points will be forced to wear an extremely embarrassing Detroit Lions T-shirt that has been customized, Flashdance-esque style.
- This shirt must be worn in public for an amount of time sufficient to produce genuine remorse for making terrible football predictions.
- Pictures will be taken and posted for our readers’ enjoyment.
We’ve already begun keeping track for the first two weeks. Here are the current scores:
Big Bad Boisterous Brian Howe Battle: 4 –2
Kryptonite Kenny “The Hawk” Bernat: 3 –3
Rip-Roaring Robbie Vosters: 5 – 1
Marvelous Matthew J. Kroll: 4 – 2
And here are this week’s predictions:
Packers over St. Louis (consensus pick)
McCarthy duct tapes offensive line together for this one. Greg Jennings contributes more than just a false start penalty. The Rams are currently for sale, so expect the Edward Jones Dome to be especially clean and well-lit. — Rob Vosters
Lions over Washington (Brian’s pick — Rob, Matt and Kenny pick the Skins)
THE TIME HAS COME! A home game in Detroit is quieter than the Michigan State undergrad library (and less crowded), but Detroit looked semi-deece last week against a talented Vikings team until turnovers started cropping up. They play the perennially over-paid and under-performing Washington Redskins who just eeked out a 9-7 victory against the Rams. — Brian Howe Battle
Bears over Seattle (consensus pick)
Seneca Wallace will give his best Charlie Batch impression of Kordell Stewart. Jay Cutler will throw four touchdown passes and duck out in the fourth quarter in order to fit in a visit to the popular Pike Place Fish Market. —Kenny Bernat
Vikings over San Francisco (Brian, Matt and Kenny’s pick — Rob picks the 49ers)
In a strange turn of events, the face of 49ers’ QB Shaun Hill triggers Adrian Peterson’s repressed memories of grade school bullying. This motivates him to run for 45 touchdowns (+/- 42 touchdowns) and to pull Hill’s hair on the sideline between plays. — Matt Kroll
Follow Divisionaries on Twitter for up-to-the-second coverage of enthusiastic Bears fans, continuing coverage of the Zapruder film of another drunk Bears QB and some actual football news.
Divisionaries is written by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
