Week 1 — Jolly, Rodgers Raise Victory Flag
Week 1 Recap
Detroit Lions 27, New Orleans Saints 45
Detroit’s porous defense was a welcome sight for Drew Brees and the Saints offense. Brees redistributed 6 TDs to 5 different players with his socialist arm and Mike Bell rung the Lions for 143 rushing yards. Lions rookie QB Matthew Stafford looked like a small child who wandered into a movie, throwing three interceptions and repeatedly questioning why he ever wanted to play football.
The question surrounding this week one matchup wasn’t Brett Favre’s “Do these purple Wranglers make me look fat?” Instead,cho it was Eric Mangini’s Cleveland conundrum of “Which pretty quarterback do I take to the dance?” The Mangina told the media that he would be keeping it a secret up until Sunday. And like a tenth-grader who hooked up with half the pom squad under the bleachers, that secret was immediately revealed by Terrell Owens on Twitter (T.O., the bane of horny adolescents and coaches, alike).
The cholesterol-filled wall of Kevin and Pat Williams was in Brady Quinn’s face almost the entire game. Cleveland’s O-line had no answer for the pass rush, and the receivers needed Google Maps help finding their routes. Adrian Peterson — who looks like a sufferer of psoriasis based on his new creeptastic Nike commercial (Web MD don’t lie) — scored three touchdowns and 180 yards of rushing to carry the Vikings to a 34-20 win. Brady Quinn finished with one touchdown on 205 yards of passing and turned the ball over twice while still looking dreamy. Brett Favre finished with one touchdown on 110 yards of passing and added the fans of another Midwestern city to the list of people who would love to see him require a hip replacement before his 40th birthday.
Chicago Bears 15, Green Bay Packers 21
Aaron Rodger’s 4th quarter completion to a wide open Greg Jennings helped the Packers snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. After an impressive first half display for the Packers’ new defense in which Bear QB Jay Cutler was intercepted three times and forced to pout after each of their seven ineffective drives, Cutler and the Bears recovered in the second half and took a 15-13 lead with 2:35 remaining in the game. Rodgers play action pass to Jennings on 3rd and 1 with less than two minutes to play fooled Bears cornerback Nathan Vasher (but not this writer) and allowed the Packers to take a 21-15 lead. Jay Cutler’s fourth interception of the game sealed the deal for the Packers.
Several important Bears players were injured during the game; most significantly was professional scowler, linebacker Brian Urlacher, who left early in the game with a dislocated wrist and will miss the rest of the season. After the game, tight end Desmond Clark was unable to walk due to a back injury and the Chicagoland area was forced to pick up the pieces of their prematurely shattered season.
GridIron Girl is Divisionaries’ occasional NFL gossip round-up.
Hey y’all… Gridiron Girl here, reporting on all the hot action, violent clashes, intense rivalries and sometimes even football. And where better to start than my fav hottie hot-head, Shawne Merriman! Looks like Shawnimal took a few too many shots AT Tequilla, and Tila said bi-bye! After all his issues last year, the biggest Charger now looks like it may be the San Diego Police Department.
And what’s this? The big “BF” is back?! Brett Favre is using Gridiron Girl’s #1 secret to getting what you want: playing hard-to-get. At his age, and with the clock ticking, it looks like QB Dad Jeansis thrilled to find himself with a nice purple helmet.
In Run and/or Shoot news, Plaxico Burress finds himself out of the league for two years for shooting himself in the foot, literally. We also learned that, in Florida, one go-round on Mr. Stallworth’s Wild Ride will cost you about one year’s salary. Meanwhile, former wideout Marvin Harrison dodged a bullet, while his assault accuser was not so lucky.
In other wonderful news I’m pleased to report, more NFL players have agreed to donate their slightly-used brains to science … while playing professional football without anything upstairs has been done for years, this gal can’t wait to see what brainless antics await her for the rest of 2009! Well, I need to go watch the rest of MNF, then grab a cosmo with the gals. Bye, for now!
Divisionaries gives you the scores before they happen*
Vikings AT Lions — Easy winner UNLESS Adrian Peterson is suspended from the league for being made of some futuristic Nike gel. Daunte Culpepper may begin to do his signature “Rollin'” celebration dance after every play for positive yardage. Vikings 28 – Lions 10
CIN AT Packers — Cincinnati lost to Denver last week. Packers’ Johnny Jolly secures lucrative endorsement deal for bacon-wrapped Laffy Taffys. Packers 35 – Cincinnati 13
PIT AT Bears — Bears unveil ingenious 7-3 defense where all Bear lineman play every down, along with their three remaining linebackers. Zach Bowman is then asked to guard all receivers. Raising money for motorcycle safety awareness, Ben Rothlisburger plays the entire game helmetless and wins in dramatic fashion after a 1st quarter comeback. Pittsburgh 24 – Bears 17
*if they happen as we described them
Divisionaries is written by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat, and Matt Kroll (Chicago).