Britain’s Got Talent, But Will You Care Tomorrow?

Fig.1: Hey Kara, does this fine young thing look “commercial” enough for you?

If you haven’t yet stopped by the YouTubes to take a gander at the new worldwide sensation that is Britain’s Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle, do yourself a favor—stop reading this, click on her name to see the clip of her performing “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables, and come back. It’s OK, we’ll wait for you. In fact, if you’re having a bad day today, I insist—go watch it. If you’re not smiling like a goon and tears aren’t welling up in your eyes a little bit, Rick Deckard will be at your door shortly to shoot your dumb ass, because you have failed the Voight-Kampff Empathy Test and are a dangerous replicant.

…OK, we solid? You nice and weepy and smiling like a Make-A-Wish kid that just met Hulk Hogan? Good, you’re on the same page with the rest of Internetsylvania, which has completely blown up for this lady in the last week. It’s the quintessential feel-good “average Jane makes it” story—frumpy lass with big dreams ignores the snickers and haters and wins them over with a million-dollar voice. Look at Simon Cowell’s face while Susan’s knocking that song out of the park! It’s like he was attacked by a t-shirt gun launching kittens and vaginas (and before you accuse me of taking things to a weird sex place this early, it was Simon that called Susan a “tiger” in his weird “I’m a cheeky Brit” way, so he started it). (Also, I think I may have just invented a pussy cannon, but will remain broke since I’m sure Hasbro doesn’t share my affinity for bad puns.)

Fig.2: Cowell’s face, blinded by dollar signs

So, ok, now that everything’s all fuzzy rainbow unicorn sharts, I’d like to throw a wet blanket of cynicism over our little beach blanket party and ask the following question: Will the Susan Boyle story finally expose American Idol to the general populace as a complete joke?

American Idol is a trainwreck of faux-celebrity “pop star” manufacturing, and I’ve been addicted to it for years, because I hate myself. Call it rubbernecking if you will—when the show premiered in America in 2002, I was fascinated by the idea of manufacturing a pop star on camera in front of the record-buying populace—especially the part where Cowell shattered the dreams of starry-eyed wannabes with decent voices by saying “I don’t see a star,” i.e. “you’re not hot, so forget it.” Do you have a million-dollar voice but a twenty-dollar face? Forget winning Idol, especially if you’re a girl. Interested in writing your own material? Only if 19 Entertainment says you can, since the contract you sign as a finalist makes you answerable to their every whim. Are you an overweight female? Then you’d better be African-American so we can shoehorn you into the “diva” template. The judges’ audition chamber may as well have a “no white fat chicks” sign on the door.

The beautiful part of all this, of course, is the brazen honesty with which the show asserts that they’re not looking for singers, but pop stars. This season has especially ramped up the truth; new judge Kara DioGuardi complimented every fresh-faced young girl who auditioned with a “you have a commercial look.”During the first week of finals, Simon Cowell said possibly the truest thing in the history of true Idol things (which was also noticed by Television Without Pity recapper Jacob) when Scott “Inspirational Blind Guy” MacIntyre tried to defend his performance of an obscure song as an “artistic” choice: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.”

Fig.3: 2009 contestant Jasmine Murray and her Commercial Look

Fig.4: 2006 Contestant Mandisa and her Commercial Look

Of course, the entire audience booed him, because they are whipped into a frenzy and instructed to feverishly boo anything anyone says on the show that’s not 100% complimentary, and to do it to Simon about 100 decibels louder than that. But the booing in this case was especially amusing to those of us who watch Reality TV with a sense of irony and a love of gallows humor, because obviously artistry has nothing to do with being the American Idol, no matter how many times Kara insists that it is. In the world of Idol, being an “artist” means being able to do cover songs in a different genre or sing “True Colors” when you have a penis. (Which makes Simon’s urging of Lil “Inspirational Hurricane Survivor” Rounds to step out of her diva box especially amusing, not to mention his standing ovation for the stunning originality of Adam “Meatloaf’s Son is a Huge Fallout Boy Fan” Lambert. Original in the context of a show that considers tattoos and pink hair “edgy,” sure. What’s the over/under on the judges realizing that Lambert performed the Michael Andrews version of Tears for Fears’ “Mad World” from Donnie Darko, and didn’t just slow it down himself?)

Fig.5: GYAAAAAHHHHHHH! Um, I mean, Adam Lambert and his “Stevie Nicks fucked a muskrat” Commercial Look

Once upon a time, I naively thought that American Idol would be a wake-up call to mainstream America that their prepackaged musical morsels are as market-approved and processed as a Chicken McNugget. Of course, I was wrong—Decider’s recent posts about this year’s Milwaukee-native contestant, Danny “Inspirational Creepy Megachurch Member With Dead Wife” Gokey, garnered a few “I think he has the IT factor lol” replies from people who actually seem to take the competition seriously.

So what does all of this have to do with current internet flavor-of-the-moment Susan Boyle? I can’t help but feel like Idol viewers should see her YouTube clip and immediately think “OK, no matter how good her voice is, she wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes on Idol “ (but hey, maybe it’s just because I thought that). For all the talk of her “inspirational” story (which is, let’s face it, “unattractive woman sing good, teach lesson”), I really doubt it’s going to resonate the way it should. Will mainstream America suddenly be able to look past Beth Ditto’s appearance and make The Gossip multiplatinum stars (like they deserve) now that they’re on a Sony subsidiary? Not likely—if Ditto showed up in Idol’s audition room next season she’d be featured as little more than a curiosity.

Fig.6: I’m gonna just take a stab and guess that Kara wouldn’t consider this a Commercial Look

Simon Cowell is apparently already working on a record contract for our virginal 47-year-old heroine (because that look on his face in the video was just as much dollar signs as it was charm), and OK, maybe she’ll turn into another Paul Potts (Britain’s Got Talent’s Series 1 winner) and become a rich opera singer…but I doubt it. But hey, for a brief period of time Susan Boyle will get to live out her dream, and for an unemployed woman pushing 50, that’s pretty good. Hell, it’s better than what I’ve managed so far, so who am I to judge? So good luck to her. Meanwhile, I’ll be over here addictively consuming every week of American Idol until Adam Lambert wins and goes on to replicate the wildly successful careers of past winners like Ruben Studdard and Taylor “Michael McDonald Called and Wants His Yacht Back” Hicks. Because if America’s got talent, mine is being Part of the Problem.

…Ya know, come to think of it, when’s the last time you heard of an Idol winner doing much of anything? Kelly Clarkson in Season 1? (Carrie Underwood doesn’t count, because she’s a country singer, and today’s country market will mainline anything with a lapsteel as long as it’s wearing cowboy boots and spent 10 minutes on television. Hell, Bucky Covington managed to carve out a post-Idol country singing career. Who? Exactly. ) So maybe the majority of America has more of a clue than I thought. Go nuts for these yahoos while the show’s on, but once they sing their hokey coronation song, we can all go about our day. Huh. Maybe America’s got brains after all. OK, forget I said anything.