I heard an amazing song today and decided to write about it.

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a fat, fat man. On the US Department of Agriculture’s Pyramid of Fatness (kind of like their food pyramid, but with more chafed thighs), there’s “fat” fat, “obese” fat, “Jesus, look at that guy!” fat, and me. Seriously. I’m what the Native Americans used to call “a real porker.” That was before they got their groove back and were killed by Kevin Costner.

Anyway, in addition to my generous girth, I’ve always had extremely poor posture. Just my luck! I remember a girl from junior high that would get a kick out of calling me “Igor” to my face. “Hey, Igor!” she would shout. “Want some more pudding, fat boy? Mind if I just set it atop your freakishly pronounced hump?” I never did mind, and we remain close to this day.

But my point is this: despite my many physical deficiencies, (I also have enough moles covering my body to start a goddamned army. Think that’s funny? What if I told you they were all cancerous, and that I had 4 months to live? Who’s laughing now, dipshit?) I remain an upbeat guy who can occasionally be moved by a simple pop song. Just today – whilst walking through Downtown Milwaukee and doing my best to avoid throwing a brick at that fucking Jesus-mobile – I came across a forgotten song on my Zune that nearly knocked me over with happiness. For people not familiar with obscure, ill-conceived technology, the Zune is Microsoft’s answer to the iPod and a horrible, horrible piece of junk.

That song? “What is Life?” by George Harrison. Jesus, what a song: glorious, ebullient, transcendent. Glowing with that Phil Spector-produced sound that makes grown men weep and a grown Phil Spector kill that one chick from Barbarian Queen. It’s a song I hadn’t heard in years – one I had nearly forgotten about completely – but hearing it today really made me happy to be alive and relatively young in this dumpy little town. And when you factor in the onset of spring/summer and a malignant brain tumor, we have a winner. Does anyone else smell oranges?

So anyway, this is the part where I would normally embed a YouTube video of the song, but I CAN’T. SEEM. TO. MAKE. THE. FUCKING. THING. WORK. Who designed this Mickey Mouse website anyhow? Even in the future nothing works! (cue an embedded clip from that scene in Spaceba…FUCK!) I kid, I kid. It’s an honor and a privilege to be writing for this site. Truly an honor. And if the thing really does work and I’m just too dumb to figure it out, well, you can call me a dick again. Which you probably will anyway.

In the meantime, click HERE for the song. You can thank me later, and ask me where I got these smart new blue jeans I’m wearing (hint: Kohl’s).

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Matt Wild