What Did Matt Do? Wednesdays
Welcome to the inaugural edition of “What Did Matt Do? Wednesdays,” a weekly column that recaps all the stupid shit I did during the day, along with some wicked Crock-Pot recipes for the kids. While this piece will be published each and every Wednesday, it will in fact cover the events of the previous Tuesday, making the whole “Wednesdays” part of WDMD?W kind of misleading. Does that make sense? No, no it doesn’t.
So yeah, brace yourself for an exciting column/complete waste of time that would probably be better handled by something like Twitter. (Tweets? Oh, who gives a shit.) Coincidentally, Twittering (Tweeting?) rears its ugly head more times than I would like to admit in the events below, making me feel all dirty and 14 years-old. Technology, how you enrich our lives!
I sit alone in my darkened apartment, cowering, afraid. The cold grip of death hovering ever closer, ever closer. Oh, God, just kill me now…
10:30AM – Wake up. Discover my girlfriend is calling in sick for the day, putting a serious crimp on my morning routine (i.e. masturbation).
10:40AM – Have sudden realization I made a solemn, drunken promise to blog on ThirdCoast every day. Despair.
11:15AM – Bagels with butter and turkey. Flip on Maury, catch the following priceless introduction.
12:00PM – Walk outside, notice it’s 70 goddamned degrees. Walk past Vitucci’s on my way to the bus stop, notice a dick-ton of people wearing green.
12:13PM – Realize it’s St. Patrick’s day. Catch my bus.
12:30PM – Hop off a particularly ripe 30 bus and meet my friend Larry for a before-work cigarette. Talk about weather, politics, lawn jarts. Larry confesses a crush on starlet Jennifer Love Hewitt. Awkward goodbyes.
1:00PM – Begin my day at work. Despair.
2:15PM – Walk through downtown on deliveries. Sirens and drunken bros abound. Everyone in green. Overhear the line: “Man! White people sure be losing their shit today!”
3:00PM – Head to the County Courthouse to pick up some documents. Have a confusing conversation with the security guard working the metal detector:
GUARD (after scanning my messenger bag): “I can’t wait until they start making TVs that small!”
ME: “What?”
GUARD: “You know, TVs that can get cable and everything!”
ME: “Um…”
GUARD: “Your iPhone. In your bag. I can’t wait until they make TVs that small!”
ME: “Oh! Actually, it’s not an iPhone. It’s a Zune.”
GUARD: (blank stare)
5:15PM – Receive an unexpected visit from Adorable Deliveries LLC, a promising new company that sends two lovely, slightly crazed women to your door with a bunch of wonderful, ridiculous shit. Contents of my Adorable Delivery: corn dogs, Sprecher root beer, Gummi Bears, pack of Camel Lights.
6:00PM – Discover that Yahoo! News has a front page story on the awful, awful new Wisconsin logo and slogan. Twitter my discovery. (Tweet my discovery? Oh, who gives a shit.) Receive merciless insults from close friends and family for reading Yahoo! News. Immediately destroy my Tweets.
9:00PM – Leave work, wait for my bus. Discover a burnt Goosebumps book and a mutilated bird corpse lying in front of the Federal Courthouse. Consider calling someone.
9:02PM – Don’t call anyone. Tweet about it instead. Catch my bus.
9:30PM – Arrive home. Watch some anime with my girlfriend, eat a corn dog. Brief moments of happiness interrupted by noisy neighbors, mild stroke. Despair.
And now, the Crock Pot recipe, AS PROMISED!
CAROLINA BARBECUED PORK
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You straight up cut-and-pasted that recipe Cindy McCain style. For shame.
It’s true, this “family recipe” is not my own, and the rest of the piece is in fact a cut-and-paste job from the blog of JOHN McCain.
His love of Maury Povich and anime is legendary.
you really have a Zune? Huh. I thought I was alone in the universe.
Your days involve lots of despair. No wonder you’re so angry all the time.