Betamax, you’re off the hook. The makers of Sparks, not so much
Fig.1: a fish killed by Viral Hemorrhagic Septicemia, or VHS. This is not the “VHS” we will be discussing here, but as maladies go, it has a pretty cool name, don’tcha think?
The era of VHS is at its close.
Pop culture is finally hitting the eject button on the VHS tape, the once-ubiquitous home-video format that will finish this month as a creaky ghost of Christmas past.
After three decades of steady if unspectacular service, the spinning wheels of the home-entertainment stalwart are slowing to a halt at retail outlets. On a crisp Friday morning in October, the final truckload of VHS tapes rolled out of a Palm Harbor, Fla., warehouse run by Ryan J. Kugler, the last major supplier of the tapes.
“It’s dead, this is it, this is the last Christmas, without a doubt,” said Kugler, 34, a Burbank businessman. “I was the last one buying VHS and the last one selling it, and I’m done. Anything left in warehouse we’ll just give away or throw away.”
…
Kugler is president and co-owner of Distribution Video Audio Inc., a company that pulls in annual revenue of $20 million with a proud nickel-and-dime approach to fading and faded pop culture. Whether it’s unwanted “Speed Racer” ball caps, unsold Danielle Steel novels or unappreciated David Hasselhoff albums, Kugler’s company pays pennies and sells for dimes. If the firm had a motto, it would be “Buy low, sell low.”
VHS has been very good to me over the years; my band used to “enhance” our live performances (and by “enhance” I mean “mask the lack in quality of”) with VHS footage of cheesy old sci-fi (the Desi Arnaz Jr.-anchored Automan), Japanese techno-virus art films (Tetsuo: The Iron Man), and blow-up doll porn. Sure, that could all be done with DVD now, but there’s something romantically punk rock about spackling together a cheap light show out of the refuse of your local Goodwill, and back in the early ‘00s, nothing spelled “kickass thrift store throwaway” like outmoded technology.
Fig.2: VHS enabled my band to introduce Automan to literally dozens of Manitowoc punk kids
But earlier today, as I read the LA Times article linked above, I didn’t find myself pondering nostalgia as much as I was thinking about how finally, at long last, the people who fucked up the marketing of Betamax are off the hook for letting the market flood with a subpar video format.
Revolutionary for its day, the Betamax format was on its way to becoming the industry standard until the appearance of JVC’s VHS a year later. Betamax was probably a bit sharper and crisper, but VHS offered longer-playing ability, which made it possible to record an entire movie on one three-hour tape. The two formats were locked in a struggle that was eventually won by VHS.
A number of theories as to why VHS emerged victorious have been floated, but the longer playing time was certainly crucial, as was the fact that VHS machines were cheaper and easier to use.
Silly, silly Sony. A tweak to tape length here, some adjustments to the cost of a Betamax machine there, and we could have been blessed in the 80s with a video format with a robust 250 lines of resolution instead of VHS’ paltry 240! Ha! Fools!
This got me to thinking, since I was at work and any excuse to think of something other than work, I’ll generally take, because I’m lazy. How many other FUBARs in judgment will eventually be rendered obsolete by history? I spent the rest of my workday thinking about recent examples and came up with a few case studies—none of which receive the blanket absolution of the Sony corporation, but a couple come close:
Year: 1992
Culprits: Jerry Glanville and the Atlanta Falcons
FUBAR: Trading Brett Favre to the Green Bay Packers
What happened? The Packers, under the guidance of general manager Ron Wolf, the acumen of head coach Mike Holmgren, and the gunslinging talent of Brett Favre, rebuild what at the time was an NFL Siberia into the Super Bowl XXXI champions. Favre, of course, goes on to break nearly every important passing record in the game. Meanwhile, the Atlanta Falcons canned Jerry Glanville, who said “it would take a plane crash for him to put Favre into the game,” according to an article in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, and eventually did manage to make it to a Super Bowl, getting crushed by the same Denver Broncos team that won the previous year’s Super Bowl against…Favre and the Packers. In the 18 years of Favre’s career, the Packers have mostly outperformed the Falcons.
Fig: 3: to be fair, Glanville was a hell of a lot more entertaining than Holmgren
Off the Hook? When Favre retired during the last offseason, a few sportswriters claimed that the mental midgets who let Favre get away from the Falcons were finally “off the hook,” as Falcons fans no longer had to look at their current team and wonder “what if.” It could be argued that they didn’t have to do it this year, either, as their rookie sensation Matt Ryan hung neck-and-neck with Favre statistically while the Falcons surged to an 11-5 record and made the playoffs. The Jets and Brett? Sitting at home.
Verdict: The jury’s still out. Atlanta was perfectly able to lose a Super Bowl to Denver without Favre, while the Packers needed him to make it close. But the Falcons still don’t have a Lombardi Trophy to match the one Brett delivered to Lambeau in 1997. The way the Falcons played this year, though, one could be on the way soon.
Year: 2008
Culprits: San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera and MillerCoors, LLC
FUBAR: Removing caffeine from Sparks alcoholic energy drink
What happened? A complete lapse in common fucking sense.
At the behest of San Francisco and 13 states, including California, distributor MillerCoors LLC is taking the caffeine out of its Sparks line of energy drinks, which list ginseng, taurine and 6 to 7 percent alcohol among its other ingredients. “We’re doing it to protect the public health of our young people and to reform business practices,” said S.F. City Attorney Dennis Herrera. He estimated the agreement, announced Thursday, removes 85 percent of caffeine-spiked booze from the market.
The Sparks campaign began in San Francisco last year, sparked, so to speak, by local consumer organizations. California and other states joined in a “multi-jurisdictional investigation,” charging that Sparks drinks are unsafe, deceptively advertised and illegally marketed to the adolescent set. Under the agreement, MillerCoors is removing caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng from Sparks and says it won’t produce similar drinks in the future. It also agreed to shell out $550,000 in costs, $52K of which goes to San Francisco, said Herrera.
Fig.4: Imagine this clever corporate traffic sign-esque logo with a line through it, as I’m too lazy to photoshop one right now
Can anyone please explain the point of a carbonated beverage that tastes like liquid SweeTarts if all it has going for it is alcohol? And can anyone explain how this is “protecting our health” when we can still go to bars and order vodka Red Bulls? Way to go California…first smoking in bars, then gay marriage, now this? Why don’t you just outlaw rainbows and blowjobs while you’re at it? (Don’t laugh; they were illegal in California until 1975 or ‘76. Look it up! The blowjobs, not the rainbows…although obviously those anti-sodomy laws probably made it hard for the average leprechaun to enjoy life.)
Off the Hook? Well, aside from those vodka Red Bulls, we still have Four. And as long as we still have Four, IfIHadAHiFi utility infielder Rev.Ever will still be able to get blackout drunk in Athens, Ohio, assume the role of “hype man” when his bandmates perform karaoke versions of Paula Abdul songs, and start extreme rules cockpunching matches with members of White Wrench Conservatory.
Fig.5: Only one person involved in this performance remembers it happening
Verdict: Again, a hung jury. There are still alternatives on the market, but how long they’ll last is anyone’s guess. And without Sparks, Milwaukee basement shows are gonna be a lot less ruckus.
Year: 2000
Culprits: The US Supreme Court, Florida Secretary of State Kathleen Harris, and many—but not a majority—of US voters
FUBAR: The election of George W. Bush
What happened? The largest terrorist attack ever to take place on US soil; an unnecessary war that killed over 4000 American soldiers and Allah knows how many Iraqis; unspeakable abuses of US military detainees; the erosion of the average American’s civil liberties; the collapse of the American economy.
Fig.6: perhaps one of the greatest FUBARs in the history of Presidential politics. (No punchline needed, really)
Off the Hook? A lot of those voters, including many in Florida, looked at what they wrought eight years later and said “oops, my bad,” and overwhelmingly elected Barack Obama the 44th President of the United States, almost immediately restoring America’s standing in the world from “a land of motherfucking cocksuckers” to “a bunch of arrogant douchebags who sometimes manage to get their heads out of their asses.”
Verdict: Not yet, folks. The Big O may have caused a worldwide pleasure wave with his election, but he’s got a lot of work ahead, and we voters have to hold his feet to the goddamn fire and make sure it gets done. And of course, no amount of regained international respect will bring anyone back from the dead.
…Jeez, sorry to end this one on such a downer. Um…fuckin’ Sparks! Am I right? Eh? Eh?
Fig.7: Seriously, assholes. Gone forever. Drink up!
Can you think of any more? Post ‘em in the comments, fools!
