The Kitchen Sink Strategy
It’s about time that I set the record straight.
Despite my vast experience and Mensa-worthy intelligence, the public seems enthralled by the soaring rhetoric and surface appeal of my rival bloggers.
Since being raised modestly by working class parents, I have devoted my life to poking fun at the foibles and hypocrisies of the worlds of politics and government.
Now that I am toiling away day and night to share my insights with the masses surely the world will recognize that I am entitled to my rightful place as blogger extraordinaire despite its apparent attraction to the pretty words of my clearly less deserving competition.
So after careful consultation with my coterie of respected advisors, I have decided to launch my “kitchen sink” strategy to point out the flaws of these pretenders who dare challenge my blogger preeminence.
Before I start, let me state clearly and unequivocally that I have the utmost respect for all of my peers in the blogosphere. They are all extremely accomplished and, if I wasn’t in this race, I would passionately and energetically support whichever one of them wins the endorsement of the public.
But you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) not to recognize that I am the most qualified and therefore undeniably entitled to ascend to the throne of top blogger.
For starters, let’s take a look at my distinguished colleague from Madison, Ed Garvey. I welcome Ed’s contribution to the public discourse; his liberal credentials and institutional memory are assets that we all should treasure.
But surely I am not the only one to notice that Ed spent years working for one of those unions representing athletes. With all the controversy surrounding sports these days, is it really much of a stretch to imagine Ed sticking a syringe into the butt of Roger Clemens? Think about it?
I hereby declare that I have never injected an athlete with performance enhancing chemicals. Et tu, Ed?
Next, I call your attention to Bill Christofferson, a smart and talented former journalist and political operative who I have the utmost admiration for. Nobody gets under the skin of Wisconsin’s conservatives more than Bill. They blame him for every tactic undertaken by the state’s Democrats and assorted progressives ranging from creating 527 groups to masterminding Jim Doyle’s election as governor.
But isn’t it time that we reject the politics of the past? Certainly nobody has ever compared me to Rasputin and I doubt Charlie Sykes or Mark Belling even know my name!
However, it has been brought to my attention that years ago Jim became engaged to, and later married, the daughter of former Sen. George McGovern of South Dakota, who was the Democratic nominee for president in 1972. Can we really read his words without the image of Sen. McGovern drifting into our thoughts? Nepotism is such an unpleasant word but I’m just saying.
Let there be no doubt that nobody in my family has ever accomplished anything worthwhile so I don’t stand on anybody’s shoulders but my own (and that’s a feat I challenge anyone to try!).
I am so tired of the mainstream media giving those other bloggers a free ride. I mean does it take a skit on Saturday Night Live to bring a little fairness to this competition? Does Mr. Garvey want a mocha latte? Does Mr. Christofferson need a pillow? Does Mr. Rowen care for a glass of charcoal-filtered tap water (I can only imagine what he’d say if we handed him water in a plastic bottle!).
So I call on all good people in search of honest, independent, thoughtful entertainment on the internet. This is my destiny and you need look no further.
