Resolution

Let’s pretend this column is being written during the first yawning hours of 2008, and not during the first snow-spewing, snot-freezing, soul-sucking weeks of December. Let’s also pretend that contrary to all hard-won common sense and cynical sensibility, the simple arrival of a new year can truly bring forgiveness, absolution and a newfound sense of purpose. Finally, let’s pretend that the rather dubious phenomenon known as “The New Year’s Resolution” isn’t just another hollow, self-defeating ritual designed to give lazy monthly columnists something cheap and easy to write about. Instead, let’s pretend that resolutions really do mean something, and that if we sincerely follow through on them, they can make us better people, and maybe even get us laid.

For an extra kick, let’s pretend the following resolutions are your own, and not the aforementioned lazy columnist’s, whose only goal for 2008 is to finally relinquish his post as Vice President of the Mr. Belvedere Fun Club. Here, then, are four things you should do – nay, must do! – in 2008. (Note: I’m keeping these solely Milwaukee-related, and trying to avoid the typical “Quit smoking and drinking so goddamned much” resolutions we’ve all grown so tired of.)

Jesus, you’ve been hitting the sauce a little hard lately, haven’t you? Remember that one night you passed out in the back of your bass player’s pickup truck, got covered in nearly an inch-and-a-half of snow, and almost lost two of the fingers on your left hand to frostbite? How about that night after Thanksgiving when you went out to a bar with a video camera and kept sticking the thing in everyone’s face? Christ, you were annoying that night.

And what’s up with the copious cigarette consumption? It used to be you only bummed from your friends when you were bored or wasted, but now you’re blowing precious hip-replacement money on a few packs a week. Seriously, if you need any more reason to cut down on both of these vices, just remember what happened to you last month: completely loaded, you quickly swung your hand to your mouth, thinking you were holding a cigarette. Unfortunately, you were holding a beer bottle, and your front tooth was smashed to dozens of jagged pieces as a result.

2. Finally see the Brewcity Bruisers

OK, so the whole roller derby thing initially bugged the living shit out of you. Fake names? Cheerleaders? Endless cover stories? Christ!

But hey, like the latter-day Monkees said: that was then, this is now. Your irrational anger has subsided, and you’re finally ready to jump aboard the bandwagon before the whole thing falls apart and everyone starts putting together burlesque acts again. Sure, you’re still a little leery of the weird pro-wrestling vibe the whole thing gives off, and the downright baffling rules always remind you of that roller derby episode of King of the Hill. (LUCKY: See, your blockers stop the other team’s jammers. The pivots can block, jam, or counter-jam. Only the pivot or jammer can score. HANK: But how do they score? LUCKY: No one really knows.) But a bevy of fishnet-clad roller girls beats a Bucks game any day, and supporting your local roller skating scene always does the body good. (Note: if any Bruisers are reading this, please don’t hurt me.)

3. See a film at the Milwaukee International Film Festival

This one’s really inexcusable. You, a film major of all things! Sure, you always seem to be broke when this thing rolls around each year, and the prospect of shilling out $12 for yet another film about the unlikely friendship between a quadriplegic deaf girl and a 76-year-old Romanian chimney sweep never seems all that appealing, but hey, at least it’s not the Cleveland International Film Festival (long story). So this coming fall, save your pennies, see a couple of films and hob-knob with the hob-knobbers at one of those swank after-parties. (Note: if any chimney sweeps are reading this, please don’t hurt me.)

All right, let’s drop the whole “These are your resolutions” thing (it really wasn’t working that well, anyway) and get to something that I need to do this year: challenge (and hopefully subsequently beat) fellow local columnist Art Kumbalek in a one-night-only, no-holds-barred, mano-a-mano dance competition. In the upcoming weeks, I intend to send Mr. Kumbalek a letter detailing my proposal.

Here’s a sample:

Dear Mr. Kumbalek,

My name is Matt Wild. I write a monthly column for VITAL Source called “Subversions.” Much like your “Art for Art’s Sake,” my work typically resides on the mythic and much-sought-after back page, just opposite the crossword puzzles and nestled snugly alongside the “massage” ads. I am contacting you today, kind sir, to challenge you to a dance-off. Why a dance-off? Well, aside from the fact that the idea came to me in a dream (creepy, I know), I believe the idea of two back-page-Milwaukee-columnists engaged in a heated dancing competition would bolster the spirits of Americans both at home and abroad. Oh, and I think it would be kind of funny. Details can be hammered out at a later date, though I must stress that should this epic dance-war take place, it would be an exhibition only, and wagering of any kind would be seriously frowned upon. Any proceeds, tips or hush money will be donated to a suitable charity (Habitat for Humanity? Alcoholics Anonymous?). I await your reply with bated breath.

What the fock,
Matt Wild (Capricorn)

VS