Week 9 — Weak, In Review
Week 9 Recap
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 38, Green Bay Packers 28
Tampa’s retro uniforms, conjuring flashbacks of equally bad Packers and Buccaneers teams from the 1980s battling for their team’s only two wins of the season, burned not only the eyes, but also the hearts of Packers fans.
Special teams miscues and a porous offensive line helped spoil what should have been a pleasant Sunday afternoon for Packer fans. Aaron Rodgers was sacked six times as Tampa Bay’s defense returned a blocked punt and Rodger’s final interception (of three total) for touchdowns. Rodgers has now been sacked 37 times on the season, and Packer fans everywhere are officially cheesing their pants. At least our homes weren’t broken into during the game.
The game was summed up best by former Bear Doug Buffone’s semi-coherent, cuss-filled rant blathered live in the postgame. The Bears made their defensive line presence known early — with DT Tommie “Headcase” Harris punching Cardinal guard Deuce Lutui and getting ejected before FOX could get around to naming the starting lineup. Harris lucked out. He avoided being on the field as Cardinal QB Kurt Warner set his Madden Difficulty Rating to “Sub-Rookie” and marched up and down the field — putting up a 31-7 lead by the half — and not having to punt until the close of the third quarter.
Cardinals were doing so well they even let Matt Lienart, usually preoccupied with his mounting illegitimate child care payments, come in for three plays to throw one of his classic interceptions. The game was so bad that America’s favorite closted broadcasting duo Troy Aikmen and Joe Buck got in on the action with this witty repartee: “I thought high school football was played on Friday,” “This is downright embarrassing what we’re seeing today,” “Just calling it the way I see it. I don’t think the Bears are a very good football team.”
Seattle Seahawks 32, Detroit Lions 20
Rounding out this week’s hot new catchphrase theme of pants-cheesing NFC North futility, the Seahawks found themselves down 17-0 to the Lions before Detroit did a little pants-cheesing of their own.
Matt Stafford helped Detroit secure their seventh loss in eight tries by throwing for five interceptions, the last of which was returned for a victory-sealing touchdown in the final seconds. Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck managed to attempt 51 passes for 329 yards in spite of a bum shoulder AND broken ribs AND no hair on his head. Amazing, indeed. Much like the economy, the Lions are better than a year ago, but still fundamentally terrible.
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Detroit Lions (1-7)
OFFENSE: D
A surprisingly decent start to the season has faded, and now they’re just treading water. The Stafford-Johnson alliance will eventually do wonders for the team, but the injury bug killed their momentum.
DEFENSE: F
Error: Line 2008 Repeating.
OVERALL: F
At least none of their players have drowned at sea, or maybe that’s a bad thing? When you lose to the Rams and choke away a 17-0 first quarter lead to the Seahawks, how does one go on? That said, you’d have to be Glenn Beck not to feel for their fans. They’re self-deprecating with a great sense of humor and are just trying to get by like everyone else. They’re probably the most tolerable fans in the NFC North.
Chicago Bears (4-4)
OFFENSE: C
Jay Cutler has the highest YPG average and completion percentage in Bears history. This is where the good news ends. Cutler has outpaced Rihanna in the “Who Gets Knocked Around the Most Without Complaining” competition. Halfback Matt Forte is having a worse season than anyone could imagine while no dependable pass-catcher has emerged.
DEFENSE: F
And now, the BAD news. The Bears gave up 31 points in the first half TWICE in the last three games — that hadn’t happened since the 1920s. Much ballyhooed defensive line guru Rod Marinelli has failed as the DL is anchored by an oft-inactive burgeoning psychopath. The linebacker corps is without two-thirds of it’s opening day lineup for the rest of the year, while the secondary — the admitted weak point in the defense (ha!) — has played below expectation.
OVERALL: F
Kyle Orton and Cedric Benson — the most recent post-Bear success stories — prove Chicago has difficulty recognizing, drafting, nurturing and retaining talent. The team mimics the dry, passionless demeanor of Head Robot Lovie Smith, who took over defensive play-calling duties this year to terrible results. Bill Cowher, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden: Remember to put your phone on vibrate when you’re on-air.
Green Bay Packers (4-4)
OFFENSE: C
The offensive line depresses the overall offensive grade, but Aaron Rodgers’ numbers are very comparable to Brett Favre’s at 26 years old. Considering Rodgers has been sacked four more times than Favre in EIGHT FEWER GAMES(!!!), I’d say he’s doing an amazing job. The offensive line’s inability to block has also put added pressure on Ryan Grant, keeping his potentially above-average numbers deflated and in line with last year’s performance. Driver and Jennings’ numbers are decent, but Jennings are a little under expectations due to the emergence of tight ends, Jermichael Finley and Donald Lee.
DEFENSE: B
Another mixed bag. Their takeaway/giveaway differential is outstanding, and their run defense has been superb. They even rank in the upper half of the league in every defensive category except for one: TD passes. Quarterbacks are throwing for more touchdowns on fewer passes, which is probably more of a statistical anomaly due to playing Brett Favre (7 TDs) twice already.
Overall: C
I thought this team would be competing for the the division title, but that’s clearly not going to happen. Although victory has been within reach in each and every game, that’s woefully disappointing consider this was the easy half of their schedule. A wild-card berth is a possibility, but by no means guaranteed.
Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
OFFENSE: A
Love him or hate him, Favre has taken control, and his play is on par with his better years with the Packers. With almost 2,000 passing yards and 16 touchdowns already, I don’t think any Minnesota fans are complaining about picking him up. Rice and Harvin have made perfect targets and Brett’s got no problem going to them. Adrian Peterson might not be as explosive this season, but he’s still an important playmaker when needed.
DEFENSE: A
Dealing with Jared Allen (10.5 sacks) and E.J. Henderson (57 total tackles) has become a huge pain for anyone facing Minnesota. The team has also done a decent job of forcing fumbles and getting a few interceptions.
OVERALL: A
Remember Erasmus James? If the Vikings had kept him I bet the team would be, hmm, 7-1 right now! But no! Instead, they traded him to Washington, and he became so distraught that he started hanging out with kids at his old college and getting arrested. Bummer, Erasmus!
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It’s the final week of Shirt of Shame 2: Electric Bugaloo. Kenny is 8-4 and in the cat bird seat. Matt is one game behind at 7-5, with Rob and Brian currently tied at 6-6. With only two games separating the worst from the first, the flashdance’d Lions shirt is still anyone’s to wear.
Chicago at San Francisco (Matt picks Chicago; Brian, Kenny & Rob pick SF)
I actually think the Bears will pull this one off. San Francisco has been struggling more than me trying to get through an episode of Heroes. —MK
Detroit at Minnesota (Consensus pick: Minnesota)
Vikings win dome fest by putting a hole in one. Yes, the game will be played in a Holidome! —KB
Is this the game where Detroit shocks the world? Um, no. In Vegas, the Vikings are favored by 17, and the odds of a Lions player crying by halftime are 3:1 —RV
Dallas at Green Bay (Rob picks Green Bay; Brian, Kenny & Matt pick Dallas)
Green Bay is a wreck, and Dallas is coming off of a major win against Philly. At least this time when the Pack loses it won’t be against Tampa Bay. —MK
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Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
