Chomp!
A friend of mine is a stay-at-home mom to a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Her days are full of the minute-to-minute care of little ones, the way mine was just a few years ago. Most mornings, we enjoy 15 minutes on the phone while I drive to school and she makes breakfast for the kids. If you’ve ever had a conversation with someone in her position, you know that there are frequent interruptions. Usually, it’s a minor thing. The four-year-old asks for a drink of water or the two-year-old gets a bonk on the head. The other day, though, I heard through the phone an unmistakable high-pitched shriek from the four-year-old. That particular sound can only mean one thing: the child has been bitten.
I’ve never heard of a toddler who hasn’t bitten someone at least a few times, and I can’t think of a single parent who doesn’t react strongly to biting. It’s a hot button for adults. When your child gets bitten, you want to take down the biter! And when your child has sunk her pearly whites into another, it’s even worse.
Because biting seems to be a constant of early childhood, it’s important to look at what motivates little ones to clamp down so the behavior can be corrected as quickly as possible. I think what makes adults so angry about biting is the same thing that causes it – it’s a very animal thing to do. Despite the fact that toddlers are small people, they are also very animal. Those instincts have not yet been replaced with more socially acceptable behaviors.
As adults, we have to remember the reason toddlers bite and work from there. Most young children bite because they don’t have the words to express their feelings. They have all the same emotions that you and I do, with the same intensity. But they don’t have any way to talk about it. So those feelings well up, just building up inside the chest of the toddler, and they have to be let out!
The question for the parent is how to bring a swift and sure end to biting before it really takes hold. It seems best to immediately employ a strategy that combines lessons of empathy and vocabulary.
Empathy is largely learned, and it’s important to start early. When your child hurts another through biting (or hitting, pushing, or any other wonderful, typical toddler interaction), it is important to point out the other child’s pain. It’s also important to be honest about the source of the pain. As cliché as it sounds, saying “Sarah is crying because you bit her! Biting hurts,” goes a long way to ending the problem.
Vocabulary seems to be the more effective tool in ending biting. When your child bites, give her the name for the emotion that is overwhelming. “You are very angry about that toy!” Naming the emotion for her gives her context for what she’s feeling. As she begins to talk more, she will know how to use her words instead of her teeth.
The final – and really important – thing to do is to set limits that are clear and direct. Remove your child from the situation while saying, “You may not bite!” This is a firm statement. It leaves nothing open to interpretation. If the biting was triggered by desire for a particular toy or snack, remove that from the situation as well. Make it clear she won’t get what she wants by biting.
With patience, structure and persistence, your child can begin to learn self-control and empathy. Like all of the unpleasant parts of childrearing, biting is transient. Most kids only bite a few times over the course of several months. And while each of these few times will be startling, even shocking, the good news is that like all toddler naughtiness, it will pass.VS
