Run, Newt, Run!
Out of elective politics for over a decade, dithering on the sidelines like a moody, Southern fried Hamlet, Newt Gingrich jumped back into the ring announcing plans to run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. And for every analyst, pundit, and satirist everywhere, allow me to say: Hooray! Thank you, kind sir, may I have another?
His re-entrance onto center stage is welcome on many fronts. First off, the guy’s name is Newt. Never in the annals of political mockery have we had the chance to make herpetological jokes before or after. And rest assured we will avail ourselves of the opportunity. Expect the phrase Lizard- Boy to reassume a central role in the national lexicon soon.
Then there’s his penchant for routinely ratcheting the rhetoric up past eleven…hundred. Our recent precipitous plunge into polarization can easily be traced to Gingrich’s scorched earth ascension in the early 90s. There are no honorable opponents in Newt World, only despicable traitors. Each disagreement, a nuclear war. And anybody who isn’t a white male Christian poses a major threat to democracy as we know it and should be vaporized only after having his knees broken as an example.
“Obama is the most radical president in American history and views the citizenry through a Post- Colonial Kenyan perspective.” “The gay fascist movement wants to overthrow the government and destroy religion through violence.” He’s a trash- talking intellectual poseur with the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu.
Love him or hate him, there’s no in between — and that includes his own party. To some Republicans, he’s Moses who led them out of the desert to the promised land of taking back the House in ’94, for the first time in 40 years. To others he’s Voldermort. Sparking an ill- fated government shutdown then resigning under a cloud of ethics violations: some still refer to him as “He Who Must Not Be Named.”
Dr. Newton Leroy Gingrich is generally considered an ideas man. Not good ideas necessarily, but big ideas. Like accusing enemies of being socialist Nazis. That’s new. Also odd ideas, like claiming his adulterous behavior stemmed from loving his country too darn much. So essentially, he did to two mistresses what he wanted to do to us (thanks ladies). And yet, he attracts evangelical followers with his traditional family values platform. And having three wives just proves he’s Extra Traditional.
Gingrich can’t win and if he’s half as smart as he thinks he is, he has to know that. So, why is he running? Increased face- time to sell more of his twenty plus books? Can’t get enough of the sound of his own voice? Or is his responsibility simply to throw bombs at all the major edifices and let Mitt Romney waltz through the smoldering ruins unscathed?
The only problem is, like sweaty nitroglycerine, Mr. Gingrich is highly charged and unpredictable. A human IED.
Run. Newt. Run.
The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.
