The Third Gulf War

The President may have wrestled Afghanistan and Iraq to shaky standoffs but the newest skirmish in the heads-up display of Air Force One shows him losing the third Gulf War, and losing bad. Taking shots from both sides: Republicans are yelling at Obama for holding BP responsible for the Deepwater Horizon disaster AND for not doing enough to clean it up.

That man sure is a geographic oddity. On two wrong sides of the same issue. Which ain’t easy.

The main burst of charges that Obama is scapegoating British Petroleum are oozing from the newest Republican Senate candidate from Kentucky, Rand Paul, a man naturally disposed to disturbing people with both his views and his coif. Please, someone, have the simple human decency to tell him that 1985 is calling and it wants its hair back. Not even Lyle Lovett wears it like that anymore. Anthony Geary, maybe.

But I digress. Calls are streaming across the aisle for the President to ignore BP’s jurisdictional claims and have the military take over, because people suspect BP cannot be trusted. About anything. If they smile and say “hello,” check your back for shards of a malfunctioning Blowout Protector. “We’re trying our best.” We are familiar with your best. Your best sucks.

Top Kill was supposed to take 12 hours, then 24, 48 and now 96. You don’t have to be Stephen Hawking to spot a mathematical progression here. 12,288 is a mere 7 press conferences away, spewed down the line. They didn’t want the video feed to go public because even you and me and your five-year-old helper-monkey would see the ferocious gushing and realize, “Whoa, that’s more than 5,000 gallons a day – more like 5,000 gallons a frame. Where’s my banana?”

BP’s sole object is protecting profit. Covering corporate butt. In the last six weeks, not a single word that has leaked out of their mouths has been true. Eventually they will divest themselves of all US assets, change their name and seep offshore to escape financial culpability in the courts, but until then the main object is to deflect blame while keeping responsibility to a minimum. And when I say responsibility, I mean money : the ultimate lubricant.

BP is not concerned with plugging or cleaning or stopping or fixing or reimbursing, except for how it affects the quarterly dividend. To that end, they will lie and deny and do whatever it takes. They will lie about what happened, what is happening and what will happen. They will lie because it is their nature. They will lie because they’re good at it. They will lie to stay in practice. They will lie about lying and claim it was their evil twin. Offer up proof. Remember when this all started on Earth Day and they said there was no leak? Why? Because they hoping to get it under control with nobody the wiser.

Some people are calling for a boycott of BP. Not enough. Don’t just boycott British Petroleum; ride a bicycle to one of their stations, seize their toilet paper assets and send them to the Gulf to help clean up. If Obama and the Oil Flushers can’t do the right thing, we’ll do it for them. Then stay on that bicycle for as long as you can.

Milwaukee native Will Durst is a San Francisco-based political comic who often writes.
New CD, Raging Moderate, from Stand- Up Records now available on both iTunes and Amazon.