Week 16 — Jocks: The Greatest Arrests In NFC North History, Pt. 2
Week 16 Recap
Chicago Bears 36, Minnesota Vikings 30
You could see a little bit o’ Christmas magic in the frigid Chicago air on Monday night. Brett Favre and every two-bit announcer that verbally fellates him with unending praise were looking to stay in the hunt for the top seed in the NFC. Only one problem: The Chicago Bears, once left for dead, jumped the velvet rope and shattered the hopes of scores of Mall of America enthusiasts.
Not to be overlooked, Favre threw for two touchdown passes on 321 yards and a fourth quarter comeback. But, it was Adrian Peterson who was stripped by Hunter Hillenmeyer to set up the game winning touchdown pass. “I feel sick,” Peterson stated after the game. Nobody is sure if he meant he felt guilty for fumbling or that he spotted Jim Belushi in the crowd.
Green Bay Packers 48, Seattle Seahawks 10
The Packers clinched a playoff berth in relatively easy fashion against the lackluster Seahawks. Shortly after the first interception of Matt Hasselbeck led to the first of Brandon Jackson’s three touchdowns, the Lambeau Field scoreboard indicated the Panthers were also off to an early lead over the NY Giants. As the touchdowns (and Hasselbeck interceptions) piled up for the Pack, it became apparent to everyone that last week’s bump on the road to the playoffs was just a momentary delay.
Aaron Rodgers passed for 237 yards and one touchdown, while backup RB Brandon Jackson had a career day, rushing for two touchdowns and catching a third. Ahman Green also got in on the action, scoring the final Packer points of the day well after the game was in hand.
Depending on the outcome of the final week’s games, the Packers’ playoff opponent will be either the Arizona Cardinals, Minnesota Vikings or Dallas Cowboys.
San Francisco 49ers 20, Detroit Lions 6
What are two things Detroit loves? Well, there’s obviously losing, but also, they love giving the ball away to the other team. San Francisco beat Detroit (shocker, I know) 20-6, and those turnovers were a large factor in the Lions loss. Kind of like the help you get on your paper from the smart kid in class after threatening to de-pants him during gym, except the Lions still failed Remedial Football.
Michigan State flop Drew Stanton started for the Lions and promptly proved why his alma mater sucks. After throwing three interceptions, homeboy was pulled for Daunte Culpepper. Let’s be honest, when someone thinks Dante Culpepper is better than you, it’s time to order a truckload of antidepressants. On the other side, Alex Smith had an alright day with 230 yards passing and one touchdown. He’ll take antidepressants just for the hell of it.
Detroit has now lost 20 straight road games. Just think about that.
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We continue counting down the best of the worst crimes in NFC North history…
5. The Skeleton in Najeh Davenport’s Closet
Before the Packers even drafted Najeh Davenport in the fourth round of the 2002 NFL Draft he was already carrying baggage. Smelly baggage.
On April 1, 2002, while in college at the University of Miami, Najeh broke into a Barry University dorm room and pooped in a girl’s hamper. In a moment reminiscent of Johnnie Cochran’s famous line, “If the glove fits, you must acquit,” Davenport protested his innocence by demanding proof of his poop, proclaiming, “Where’s the shit?”
4. Joe Cullen, Nudie Foodie
It takes an awfully bizarre arrest for an assistant coach to make it into the top ten, let alone crack our top five. But, Joe Cullen is no ordinary assistant coach. On August 24, 2006, Cullen was ticketed for suspicion of indecent and obscene conduct — in other words, Cullen was driving around in the buff. A fast-food worker alerted the proper authorities after observing a little too-much skin in Cullen’s SUV. One week later, Cullen was arrested for DUI after driving without his headlights on.
Although Cullen’s predicament made for uncomfortable press conferences for Lions head coach Rod Marinelli, it inspired one of the greatest Halloween costumes ever when Jon Kitna and his wife, Jeni, dressed up as a nude Cullen and the red-pigtailed Wendy of Wendy’s fast-food fame.
3. The Whizzinator
Vikings running back Onterrio Smith will never be remembered for his athleticism or success on the football field. Instead, he’ll forever be associated with The Whizzinator, a drug test-busting prosthetic penis he attempted to smuggle onto a flight out of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport in May 2005. In addition to the Whizzinator, Smith possessed dried urine that when mixed with body temperature water would fool all but the most inquisitive of drug testers. Neither were ever necessary again for Smith, as he was suspended by the NFL for the entire 2005 season and cut by the Vikings in 2006 before the year long suspension was completed. Not surprisingly, a stint in the Canadian Football League also went up in smoke.
UPDATE! Smith’s Whizzinator was auctioned off in August 2009.
2. The Trial of Mark Chmura
If any moment clearly marked the end to the innocence of the Packers’ modern “hey day,” it was the arrest and trial of Mark Chmura. Chmura’s “indiscretion” with an underage girl at a Waukesha Catholic Memorial post-prom party in 2000 led to charges of sexual assault and child enticement, and a general sense of bewilderment that such a well-respected Packer would: A) be unfaithful to his wife and B) do so with his family’s babysitter.
The case boiled down to the 17-year-old accuser’s testimony against the testimony of a fellow 17-year-old party attendant, who, through what’s likely a random series of events, brokered Chmura’s 2007 purchase of one of the buildings in the Pabst Brewery complex. The defense witness’ testimony that the accuser willingly entered the bathroom with Chmura was crucial in persuading the jury to acquit Chmura on all charges. Even though Chmura’s lengthy and stressful battle to clear his name was over, Chmura’s career was already effectively over; the Packers released him shortly after he was arrested.
1. The Sex Boat
The Minnesota Vikings started the 2005 season 1-3. Heading into their bye week, Vikings CB Fred Smoot helped organize what could only be described as the most-depraved motivational boat outing in NFL history.
Prostitutes were flown in from Atlanta and Florida, sex toys were purchased and all pretense of respectability was left dockside as a veritable who’s who of Vikings players proceeded to shock and offend the crews of the two rented boats. Duante Culpepper, Bryant McKinnie, Smoot and Moe Williams were all charged with a collection of indecent exposure and disorderly conduct charges. As per usual, these were later dismissed or reduced down to a wrist slap of a fine.
Perhaps this incident would have merely remained a bizarre urban legend (like most NFL debauchery) if only several of the players hadn’t pissed on the bushes of a neighboring house before setting sail on the love boat. Instead, the collective mouth-gaping shock and awe of a nation of football fans fell upon the franchise like a bucket of water on Jennifer Beal’s head in Flashdance. Vikings owner Zygi Wilf threatened to release anyone who even donned a captain’s hat and appointed a former FBI agent to keep players out of any further trouble. Ex-head coach Mike Tice probably crossed his arms in a slightly sterner fashion.
The Love Boat/Sex Boat/”Masturbatin’ on Minnetonka” saga undoubtedly represents the worst of the entrenched belief among NFL athletes that anything they want can be theirs, regardless of the eventual cleaning bills.
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Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions (Unanimous!)
Jay Cutler receives the sympathy of everyone when it’s found that all of his interceptions were “the diabetes talking.” Bears finish the season 7-9, making fans have to count all seven wins on their fingers. – KB
Minnesota Vikings over NY Giants (Unanimous!)
Minnesota had a rough game against the Bears, but being all warm and snug in their dome I’m sure they will beat the Giants. Peterson is sure to hold onto the ball after the Full Metal Jacket-style beating I’m sure he received after Monday night’s game. – MK
Green Bay Packers over Arizona Cardinals (Everyone but Matt!)
Since there’s a good chance that both teams will meet again in the first round of the playoffs, Mike McCarthy disguises his team’s offensive strategy with fake mustaches. Ken Whisenhunt counters with surprisingly realistic Girl Scout uniforms. -RV
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Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
