Week 14 – Bad Santa

Week 14 Recap

Minnesota Vikings 30, Cincinnati Bengals 10 (Home Alone Remix)
Kevin McCallister — Brett Favre. One touchdown on 192 yards of passing. Just when you count him out, he ducks and dodges defenders like Kevin, protecting his house against the “Wet Bandits.” Brett, I’m going to feed you to my tarantula.

Kate McCallister — Carson Palmer. Just like Mom forgetting Kevin at home, Palmer forgot to hit wide receivers, leaving him with less than 100 yards of passing. Unlike Kate McCallister, Palmer never got a ride from John Candy and his polka buddies.

Harry Lyme — Adrian Peterson. Two touchdowns on 97 yards rushing. Peterson became the head of the operation Sunday afternoon. Though he didn’t take a blow torch or paint canister to the head, he still had to run really fast past other tackling football men.

Marv Merchants — Chad Ochocinco. Like Marv, Ochocinco is a zany guy that’s also batshit insane. I’d love to see him tweet about the time he got a nail shot into his sack.

Honorable Mentions:

Buzz’s girlfriend (woof!) — Cedric Benson

Fuller McCallister — Bernard Berrian

Baltimore Ravens 48, Detroit Lions 3
Well, I didn’t actually watch this game. Instead, it was suggested to me that I write a brief summary about what I think happened and then follow up with some facts about what actually happened. Here goes:

Baltimore beat Detroit in one of the most-bizarre games in NFL history. Everything was going fine up until Pretty Boy Joe Flacco decided he didn’t want to play anymore, much like he did against the Pack a week ago. After convincing him to stop sitting on the field pouting, Baltimore called in their new secret backup QB, a certain Warren Moon. In true Tecmo Super Bowl fashion, Moon forgot about his old age and ended up running all over the Lions for a total of 482 rushing yards. He refused to throw a single pass, but gave a sexy wink to the cameras at the end of the game. Detroit fans finally had enough and decided to lobby the city into looking for a Canadian Football League team.

In reality, Baltimore wound up winning 48-3. Although Warren Moon was not in attendance, the Ravens set a team record with five rushing touchdowns on 548 combined yards. I was right about Flacco not playing the full game — Troy Smith was subbed in so he could pretend people actually still care about him. Oh! And Ray Rice went over the 1,000-yard mark on the year. So Baltimore remains a Wild Card possibility, and I’m pretty sure Detroit will end up in the CFL.

Green Bay Packers 21, Chicago Bears 14
The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour soldiered on Sunday afternoon against the surging Green Bay Packers. Keeping true to their respective abilities, the Bears opening drive fizzled while the Packers first play went for 62 yards and a score. Green Bay appeared well on their way to a resounding victory, but two aborted scoring drives resulting in field goals and an inopportune fumble kept Chicago in the game going into the second half.

Then the tables turned.

It was as if both teams pulled a Vice Versa to start the third quarter. Two fumbles by Aaron Rodgers on the same play — the second one recovered by the Bears — resulted in a quick Bears score that put them ahead 14-13. Suddenly, the Packers’ indomitable winning spirit was being broken by a team in a “rebuilding year.”

But like flipping a switch — or like Fred Savage touching a magical skull with transmutative powers — the Packers rebounded in the fourth quarter. A Nick Collins’ interception led to Ryan Grant’s second rushing touchdown of the day. From that point forward, the Bears were unable to capitalize on anything — not even Mason Crosby’s shanked field goal with six minutes left. Their final drive died on the vine when Clay Matthews sacked Jay Cutler in mid-frown.

__________________

Divisionaries presents some helpful gift suggestions for the NFL player in your life.

• Devin Aromashodu — personalized aroma candles from Yankee Candle
• Jared Allen — Norelco beard/mustache trimmer; American flag doo rag
• Brett Favre — gift basket of Flomax, Baker’s Sqaure gift certificate and hand lotion
• Bears coach Lovie Smith — pink slip
• Jay Cutler — Emo bundle: black hair dye,  “Chicken Soup for the Tortured Quarterback’s Soul”
• Matt Stafford — personalized “Super Bowl Hero” CD
• Clay Matthews, Jr. — Ultimate Warrior arm tassels
• Lions coach Jim Schwartz — a fucking medal

__________________

Kenny and Matt won Week 13, which means Brian is one week closer to wearing the Lions shirt a second time. We’re still tabulating the official standings on our rented abacus, so expect updated standings in next week’s column.

Baltimore over Chicago (Consensus!)
Deep in his underground EL tube, Lovie Smith uncovers a way to burn three timeouts simultaneously. The trick is to injure a player under two minutes, then challenge a play wrongly, then call the last timeout of your coaching career. Fin. -BB

Remember when both of these teams were supposed to be great this year? Neither are, but Chicago is even less great than Baltimore. -MK

Minnesota over Carolina (Consensus!)
I had forgotten that Carolina existed until I consulted a list of teams the Vikings haven’t destroyed yet. Sure enough, in 1995, the NFL created TWO turquoise-colored cat-mascotted teams in the coastal south. Who knew? -BB

This game has less meaning than a David Lynch film. -RV

Green Bay over Pittsburgh (Consensus!)
Seeing how Ahman Green has been a bit of a good luck charm, Pittsburgh might try to find what regional car dealership Franco Harris is working at and sign him for the rest of the year. -BB

Pittsburgh just lost to Cleveland. Think about it. -MK

__________________

Are you on Twitter, too?!! OMG!

Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).