Week 10 — Bear Witness
Week 10 Recap
Green Bay Packers 17, Dallas Cowboys 7
The Packers defense sprang to life in the game where everyone least expected it. Facing a Cowboys squad that practices against their team’s very own 3-4 defensive scheme, the Packers flung themselves at a frustrated Tony Romo all afternoon. Five sacks, three fumbles and one interception later, the Packers came away victorious.
Mike McCarthy, taking shit from no one, was more conservative in his play calling than an old man ordering “food” at the Machine Shed. During an anemic first half that produced nothing beyond a Mason Crosby field goal to end the half, his run-heavy scheme wore thin on the Lambeau Field crowd that expected more flair. Nevertheless, Aaron Rodgers ably steered the offense, passing for one touchdown and rushing for another before the Packers’ defensive pressure and timely Cowboys’ miscues — including a botched, non-reviewable Tony Romo fumble call that set up the Packers’ final score — could tip the scale in Green Bay’s favor.
The Bears’ offense continued doing their best to look laughable, which was more unfortunate than usual because the defense actually stepped up (for once), even if it was only against the 49ers.
Superstar Jay Cutler managed to throw five picks and put up an incredible 33.6 passer rating while adding a whole two yards to the whopping 43 Bears’ combined rushing. The game was pretty much nothing but frustration and boredom until the Bears put together a potential game-winning drive in the final minutes. With only seconds left, Cutler throws a pass into the end zone that’s caught by Michael Lewis! Bears win! Oh wait, Lewis plays for San Francisco. Shit.
Minnesota Vikings 27, Detroit Lions 10
Week 10 offered several upsets and “statement games,” indicating which teams are in the playoff hunt. This was not one of those games, but give credit to Detroit — they hung in there for most of the game.
Brett Favre played like the quarterback we’ve all come to hate with a 344 yard/1 TD performance. Adrian Peterson turned in a 133-yard game with two touchdowns. However, if the NFL were to grade player stats on a curve when playing Detroit, these numbers would simply be ordinary. Matthew Stafford threw for 224 yards and a third-quarter touchdown pass that put some fraidy-pee fear into the Vikings. However, that was as close as it got. A Favre touchdown and a Ryan Longwell-field goal gave the Vikings a 27-10 win.
One thing that will always stand out in this interstate rivalry: Both teams are pussies. No Midwest team should ever play in a snow globe. It’s offensive to my pale, Midwestern skin.
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by Brian Howe Battle
1. Bears fans travel well — Everywhere we went we saw (or heard) Chicago fans. On trolleys, on ferries (and fairies?), in dive bars, at the country’s oldest strip club, on bike rides, even the one bar in Sausalito a local told us was a good spot; in the fog of San Fransisco only the most nasally, boisterous, Midwestern “long A” can cut through the night. “Chi-kaaaaaaa-go”… it echoes across Fisherman’s Wharf like so many deflected passes.
2. 49ers fans smoke a lot of weed — Not just during construction-work breaks and outside of bars (which we both witnessed), but during 49ers games. I’ve never connected pot use with the enjoyment of professional sports, but they take this very seriously. The parking lot, the bathrooms, the concourses … they all smelled like sticky-icky. If you watched the Niner/Bear game last Thursday under the influence, oh boy, it must’ve felt like you were watching a seven-hour performance in which nothing much happens … you know, like a Phish show.
3. Candlestick Park sucks — It would have been a blessing if this thing collapsed in the 1989 earthquake. Despite the fact that baseball is no longer played there, fans are still obliged to sit in the extended high school gym bleachers on one length of the field. In the south endzone the seats don’t run parallel to the field — they bulge out and away from the southwest corner — looking like a ghastly turf tumor from the sky. Also, the thing is nearly circular, which is a mindfuck trying to exit or find your seat unless the section numbers go in numerical order, which of course, they don’t.
4. Niners fans are very cautious about taunting — We heard very little razzing the entire game, until about a minute left. Suddenly, the Niners fans around us looked at each other, realized they were actually going to win the game, and the cuss words, like $9 Coors Lights, did flow that night. I later received many “fives,” not “high fives,” but five, spread fingers shoved in my face to remind me about how many picks Cutler threw in four quarters of football.
5. 49ers fans have strange versions of things you’re familiar with – The game of “bags” (or “cornhole” if you must) is traditionally played on large, angled wooden boards, with a single hole, at which you throw bean bags. Now, substitute any one of those standards, and that’s what you’ll see at Candlestick Park … tiny wooden boards? Yes. Undersized bags of sand? Yes. Boards with multiple holes? Yes. It’s like living in Bizzaro World. Also, I was reminded by our kind San Francisco tailgating hosts that before the beloved Chicago Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle” of 1985, the 49ers Super Bowl win was celebrated by an incredibly hilarious ’80s synth-pop-rap called, “We Are the 49ers.” Please take a second to enjoy.
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We’re recounting the predictions from last week in order to ensure absolute integrity in our wager to wear the Flashdance’d Lions T-shirt. Because of Brian’s early flight to San Francisco, there’s confusion that his prediction in the Green Bay/Dallas game was less a definitive prediction and more of a sassy string of sweet sounding something or other. Rob’s currently reviewing the footage in the Divisionaries’ mock replay booth and we’ll surprise everyone next week with some tasteless cheesecake photos of the winner.
Detroit Lions over Cleveland Browns (Consensus pick!)
Matt Stafford’s uncanny resemblance to Dwight Schrute provides an enjoyable distraction in a game that promises to be boring as hell. No way can the Lions lay an egg against the worst team since, well … themselves. —BB
Minnesota Vikings over Seattle Seahawks (Consensus pick!)
The Vikings are proving themselves to be a serious Super Bowl contender, while the Seahawks are proving themselves to be a group of guys who need new jobs. —MK
Philadelphia Eagles over Chicago Bears (Push: Matt & Kenny pick Eagles; Rob & Brian pick Bears)
Two unlikable QBs show off their overrated and overpaid arms. Just thinking about this game makes me want to hatefuck everything with a sensitive heart. —KB
Green Bay Packers over San Francisco 49ers (Consensus pick!)
In order to motivate his players for Sunday’s game, Mike McCarthy fires several malfunctioning DVD players and the intern who pointed out there were no discs in any of the now-unemployed machines. A crafty Ahman Green begins using a pinhole projector to avoid making direct eye contact with McCarthy. —RV
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Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).
