Missed Connections (55-56)
Dear Ken Macha,
Can you believe that the season is more than two-thirds over? It feels like only yesterday that I was patiently waiting for the team to finally turn things around.
It’s sad when a 3-3 week can be considered positive news, but I suppose life’s a pretty sweet fruit when you win a series against the best team in the National League and manage to not give up 17 runs in a single game to the Houston Astros. It’s also sad when the fact that our best player wasn’t suspended for frantically running through the catacombs of Dodger Stadium in dogged pursuit of bean-baller Guillermo Mota is reason enough to celebrate.
It’s not that I agree with everything Anthony writes or his tone when answering chat questions that would best be ignored, but neither of the two bloggers in question provided any evidence of what he actually said that was so offensive. That’s usually a great place to start if you’re going to call for someone’s firing. Instead, they insinuate that there’s an element of attention-whoring to Witrado’s appearance on ESPN and poke fun at him for not dressing the perceived part of an underpaid beat reporter. It feels more like sour grapes than legitimate beef. And sure, Tom Haudricort and Anthony can come across as grumpy at times, but if you had to deal with a stable of commenters with the two qualities an online writer should fear the most (mental illness and loads of time) you’d be curt with people, too.
Speaking of things that have grown shorter, Ken, your playoff chances are shrinking by the day. The number of days left to turn this season around are rapidly dwindling, so I decided to seek out some inspiration for you from the most heartfelt and authentic place ever. A place where the dreams and desires of our greater metropolitan area are laid bare for all the world to see. A place where hope is not a four-letter word — especially when it’s spelled incorrectly. Yes, I’m talking about Missed Connections on Craigslist. Where else can summer love bloom from making eye contact with a random driver on a highway in Pewaukee? Where else can a person proposition the lady they saw at Best Buy, but didn’t approach because she was with someone else? Missed Connections, that’s where.
What I did not expect to find, Ken, were the obvious messages of several not so anonymous Brewers quietly searching for answers that only Missed Connections can provide (other than sex and/or robbery). Perhaps they’re embarrassed to come to you for help, unsure if you’ll understand their human foibles since you’re so robotically calm at all times, even in the midst of Prince Fielder’s xtreme rage. Whatever the reason, I hope you can help these dudes out, Ken. Take a look…
You Cut Me – m4m – 27 (Kentucky)
You were saying something about on base percentage and how to play quality defense right before you took my appendix out. I wish I could remember your name, but those pills they gave me for the pain are stronger than that bourbon they sell at the drive-thrus near my home! I have some time off, email me at email@example.com!
Knock, knock – (Outside your clubhouse)
Why wouldn’t you let me in, man? I didn’t have a beef with you, just that tall dude that threw at my groin. Sorry for swearing at you like that, but the crown jewels are off limits if u know what I mean.
Everyone else gets to have you – m4run-support – 23 (whenever I pitch)
All the crappy pitchers get tons of you, but then I pitch and you’re nowhere to be found. Why won’t you visit the ace, too?
It’s not your song – m4m – 35 (All Outfield, all the time)
I don’t know who you are or how many more times you’re going to call me about that damn song, but I’m not getting rid of it. Nor am I gonna agree to some stupid time share idea over it. I listened to that song in junior high school and it got me through so many rough times that I’m not about to let some stupid kid tell me to get rid of it.
And tell your friend with the foul mouth to stop drunk dialing me at 3am from Brazzaz. I can smell the meat on his breath over the phone.
There’s still enough time to claw your way back into the fight for the division lead before August ends and the unholy month of September cruelly smacks you back down. Perhaps a 6-gamer at home against the Pads and ‘Stros will help reinvigorate your drooping chances. Let’s hope so, Ken, because missed opportunities at this point in the season are expensive.