MAY 2009

By Tea Krulos
Photos by Bruce Berna

Well, I’m sad to say that I missed the last bout. I was staked out on a story assignment in scenic Minneapolis, but even my hired team of temps, I’m also sorry to say, have failed me. They have all been fired across the board, banished to menial tasks like changing light bulbs and writing html code in the ThirdCoast Digest offices. (Joke!)

This week, in lieu of my standard bout recap, I’ll review the basic facts from the April 18 bout, mention some Bruiser related events, and try to offer my Krulos Brand (patent pending) insight into next month’s CHAMPIONSHIP SHOWDOWN BOUT.

SPRING SKATE BOUT APRIL 18

The Rushin Rollettes had a big, big win over the Shevil Knevils with a score of 119-44.

Jackie O’ Nihilate led the team of Rollettes jammers with 36 points. Moby Nipps led the Shevils with 13 points, while Artillery Shell scored 12.

Apparently the last jam of the game featured a good old fashioned ruckus.

“My favorite memory of the game was seeing our captain Becky the Butcher take down Rollette captain Jackie O’Nihilate in the final moments of the game and the ensuing Shevil/8s rumble!” Knevil co-captain Terror Lapinski told me.

The Maidens were also victorious with an 84-71 win over the Crazy 8’s.

The Maidens triple threat of jammers consisted of Rejected Seoul (36 points), Romaniac (24 points), and Super Hera (21 points). Cookie Ciano led the 8’s with 32 points.

The 8’s suffered the injury of team (and league) powerhouse blocker Servin Justice. Justice explained her injury in an e-mail.

“I hurt my knee. This past week has been nothin’ nice … I have no idea which fall it happened, or if it was a fall at all. But, I do know it was the first period sometime — although I still kept skating through the pain. Slamela says she thinks she saw me do a weird hyperextension of it when taking out a stinkin’ pink girl — but who knows. My doctor says due to all my tough, muscular legs and extreme flexibility it only seems like a strain, and I should be on skates soon.” Justice continued by explaining how her brain has mixed feelings about rushing back to the track.

“Basically, as soon as my body tells me it’s okay, I’ll be rolling again. Right now one side of my brain is saying, ‘go to practice tonight and skate!!!’ where the other side of my brain is like, ‘No! You’re still hurt, take your time, you’re only human!’ So we’ll see what the future holds for Justice!” Justice wrote.

NEW TITLE!
Our readers voted Derby Little Secrets as the new title of this column. We are currently working on a new column head and the title has a trademark pending. That means if anyone tries to swipe or claim it, the ThirdCoast Digest team of legal sharpshooters will hunt you down LIKE THE LANGUAGE STEALING DOGS THAT YOU ARE.

PANCAKE BREAKFAST!
Speaking of thieves, the Bruisers have stole my heart by hosting a Brewcity Bruisers Pancake Breakfast this Saturday, May 2, 10AM-12:30PM at the Urban Ecology Center, 1500 E. Park Place. Adults, $8, Seniors and Vets, $7, Children $6. Delicious! As Granpappy Krulos always told me, “Son, all you need in life is a good woman, a pistol, and a plate full of pancakes.”

BREWCITY BATTLESTARS!
The league has formed a companion “B team” for its travel team, recently named the Brewcity Battlestars. The Battlestars will take on the Appleton based Fox Cityz Foxz on May 16 on the Foxz’ home turf. Check foxcityzfoxz.com for more bout info.

MONDO LUCHA!
The Bruisers banged heads with the K.G.Beast at the Mondo Lucha Variety Show on April 25. Terror Lapinski (Knevils), Coco Shrapnel (8’s), Melba Toastya (Rollettes), and the Romaniac (Maidens) stepped in the ring, but unfortunately for the glorious ladies of lucha, the K.G.Beast won and as per the prebout agreement, was pronounced Beast and Bruiser in a wedding ceremony with an unconscious Romaniac. Here’s hoping Romo likes borscht!

CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT!
This is it folks, the exciting conclusion to the regular season: the Championship bout! It’s going down Saturday May 9 at 7 PM. The them for the night is “Rock Metal,” so make sure your air guitars are tuned up and ready to shred.

Battling for the Championship are the Rushin Rollettes (with this season’s best record of 5 wins, 1 loss) and Maiden Milwaukee (4 and 2). This is going to be a tense match. The Maidens have really grown into a team that utilizes excellent team work, with a nice crew of speedy jammers that know how to slide and limbo through the pack.
The Rollettes, of course, will be a tough team to beat. They have a larger pool of jammers than the other teams, and the constantly rotating line up has often left the other teams skidding off the track.

The Shevil Knevils, who grabbed just one win this season, face off in the Grudge Match with the Crazy 8’s, who started the season on a high note, but have suffered a sparse team that found themselves in a losing streak.

Buy tickets and get more info at brewcitybruisers.com!