HOLY SHIT METEOR!
So this happened in Edmonton, Alberta on Nov. 20th:
Fig.1: Police dash-cam footage from 11.20.08. WTF WTF WTF WTF
In the parlance of local hardcore bands named after exclamations, HOLY SHIT. How did this not make national American news? A huge white ball falls and explodes in a country right on our borders, and no one takes notice? Where was MSNBC? Where was CNN? Where was FOX News? (Wait, FOX is obsessed with the Mexican border. Never mind.)
This intrepid reporter threw on some blinders, exhaustively researched his own nerdy obsessions (like any conspiracy theorist worth his salt) and came up with the following possibilities:
Tesla’s Death Ray: unearthed and test-fired
I’m fascinated by the life story of Nikola Tesla, the visionary Man Out of Time who solved the world’s energy crisis in his head roughly 100 years before gas hit $4/gallon while inspiring a band of farm kids in Sacramento, CA to name their butt-rock band after him (and then compose the third-best power ballad of the hair-metal era, “Love Song,” but none of this really has anything to do with astronomical phenomena). While I’m grateful to Tesla’s memory for enabling me to dismiss Thomas Edison as a no-good, elephant-frying son of a whore, I’m probably even more fascinated by the theory that the Tunguska explosion of 1908 was caused by Tesla test-firing the death ray he was supposedly working on in either Colorado Springs or Long Island, NY.
In 1907 and 1908, Tesla wrote about the destructive effects of his energy transmitter. His Wardenclyffe facility was much larger than the Colorado Springs device that destroyed the power station’s generator. Then, in 1915, he stated bluntly:
It is perfectly practical to transmit electrical energy without wires and produce destructive effects at a distance. I have already constructed a wireless transmitter which makes this possible. … But when unavoidable [it] may be used to destroy property and life. The art is already so far developed that the great destructive effects can be produced at any point on the globe, defined beforehand with great accuracy (emphasis added).(30)
Nikola Tesla, 1915
He seems to confess to such a test having taken place before 1915, and, though the evidence is circumstantial, Tesla had the motive and the means to cause the Tunguska event. His transmitter could generate energy levels and frequencies capable of releasing the destructive force of 10 megatons, or more, of TNT. And the overlooked genius was desperate.
Could it be that someone, perhaps a budding supervillain, has stumbled across Tesla’s long-dormant superweapon? If so, I’m on the first train to Colorado. America’s economic security is at its lowest point in nearly a century, and there’s serious money to be made in the supervillain and evil henchman industries. UNLESS…
The sole survivor of a dying planet crashed in Edmonton and will grow up to fight for truth, justice, and the Canadian way.
Superman: Red Son envisioned Kal-El as a Soviet crusader committed to Stalin, socialism, and the international expansion of the Warsaw Pact; is Clark Kent as a Cordial Caped Canuck dedicated to Labatt, poutine and universal health care that hard to fathom? Let’s hope that’s not the case. Frankly, I was getting pretty excited about that new career in villainy, and while a Canadian Superman would be the hero equivalent of choosing RC Cola over Coke, Clarkley Do-Right would still tear the shit out of my Wardenclyffe Tower headquarters. HOWEVER…
Meteorite pieces from the Edmonton Event will be lethal to our new protector.
…And will be available in all sorts of fashion-forward colors: green, red, blue, white, gold, black, silver…Christ, there’s black and silver kryptonite now? God damn, DC sucks.
Well, perhaps the Edmonton Object was not of alien origin:
The object was a Russian zombie bomb, not unlike the new Metallica video.
Have you seen this video? It’s for the song “All Nightmare Long,” off the new Metallica Death Magnetic album. Frankly, this clip has been seriously messing with me for the past week or so, as it seems that the post-Justice Metallica has now produced something that is actually NOT laughably horrible. This is god damned confusing.
Fig.2: Soviet zombie spores reanimate America’s dead and bring an end to the Cold War. Um, AWESOME
Watch the clip and then tell me you’re not as confused as I am. It’s actually quality. Wtf. By the way, did you notice the Tunguska connection at the beginning of the video? That’s what we writers like to call a “callback.” Clever!
Unfortunately, while browsing YouTube in an attempt to find more witty explanations for the Mysterious Edmonton Event, I discovered that
It was just a god damned meteor.
Behold:
Fig.3: Zzzzzzz
Well, that’s just boring. But damn, ain’t it cool lookin’?
