VITAL’s predictions for 2009

By - Dec 1st, 2008 02:52 pm
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By VITAL Source Staffers

No matter how hard Wall Street works to lure private investors back into the market, ordinary citizens will go back to saving the old fashioned way: stuffing cash in their mattresses. By June, Verlo will offer an all-new custom model, The Saver 3000, which will include a hidden chamber accessible only with a card and PIN number. Sure, they’ll be uncomfortable as hell to sleep on, but Verlo will sell scads of them to freaked-out Baby Boomers, not only securing their own financial future but providing hundreds of jobs right here in Wisconsin.

The Obama Administration’s new motto will be “A windmill in every yard.”

In 2009, the stupid but prevalently held idea that “deaths happen in threes” will take on a whole new level of mystical garbage meaning when a trio of prominent world leaders – Kim Jong-Il, Fidel Castro and, in a “freak accident,” Vladimir Putin – kick the bucket.

Somali pirates will take over Cuba, Moscow will be annexed by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, and North Korea will allow Kim Jong-Il to rule from the grave. Also meeting their demise in 2009: million-year-old and long-presumed-to-be-already-dead Structuralist philosopher Claude-Levi Strauss; actors Sidney Poitier and Peter O’Toole; former Chrysler CEO Lee Iacocca and the already mostly decayed Amy Winehouse.

James Brown, on the other hand, will be crowned the Funk Messiah when he unceremoniously rises from the dead on Christmas day.

After its victorious parlay into the national consciousness via the New York Times, the Journal-Sentinel’s “Wasted in Wisconsin” series will continue to spread, resulting in a five-part BBC series, MTV True Life Special (“I Drink in Wisconsin”), and several obscure Family Guy references.  Milwaukee will celebrate by doing a shot every time the city is mentioned by name.


Gas will make a head-spinning ricochet back to astronomical prices. This ricochet will bring the boomerang back into style with a vengeance. And speaking of vengeance, God will hold off on striking us dead because, in electing Barack Obama, Americans have bought ourselves a few years with which to prove we’re not the awful human beings and wretched global citizens we appear to be. So, no plagues of locusts or rivers of blood or any of that stuff. Which is kind of a nice thought.

Unsatisfied with the Bronze Fonz’s lukewarm reception but still high on patina chemicals, VISIT Milwaukee will collect funds to bronze other pop culture icons loosely associated with Wisconsin. By year’s end, visitors to Milwaukee will be able to take souvenir pictures with Laverne & Shirley, the gang from That ‘70s Show and the entire cast of former TGIF fave Step by Step. The city’s main attraction, however, will be a life-sized depiction of that scene in Wayne’s World where Alice Cooper explains the Algonquin origins of Milwaukee to Wayne and Garth.

Erin Lee Petersen will continue to exchange the word “shit” for any word beginning with the digraph Sh. For no apparent reason.

Waves of cold and heat will plague the interior of our homes as no one can afford to use their furnace, central air units or even ceiling fans. As a result, most members of our community will resemble the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man until spring, and “naturalists” throughout the summer. What fall will bring remains to be seen.

Luke Eshleman, ( or 262-408-0134), will lose his virginity.

Obama will change the national anthem to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.”

Phish guitarist Trey Anastasio will do a Scooby Doo mask rip-off to reveal he is really Jerry Garcia, who faked his own death.

The election of Barack Obama confirmed his campaign promise – “Yes We Can.” But the campaign win was really a beginning, not an end.  We will all have to step up to the plate to help President Obama realize his immense potential. I believe we will. The question is how to make that happen. But I believe that somehow, yes, we can.

STELLA CRETEK – Visual arts writer/blogger, DEM BONES
The art funding well will run dry. Only those with long arms will be able to fill the money bucket.

President Obama will swing neither left nor right.

Sarah Palin will write a book and hopefully fade into the Alaskan landscape.

Stella hopes to be around to predict 2010.

DJ HOSTETTLER – Music writer/blogger, CULTURAL ZERO
Matt Wild will start a new “freak jug” band that rapidly ascends to local stardom due to its 15 band members and prominent use of “quirky” instruments like washboard and wood-pole-in-metal-tub bass. Wild Frontier’s accordionist, Amy Elliott, will grace the cover of Shepherd Express five times.

The Republican Party, wrestling with its identity in the wake of the 2008 elections, will fall into civil war and literally devour itself. The Wisconsin National Guard will be forced to quarantine the entire city of Waukesha after it collapses into a conservative zombie apocalypse (that is, an apocalypse of conservative zombies. The apocalypse itself will be far too gruesome to be considered “conservative”).

The Milwaukee Brewers will re-sign CC Sabathia, who will proceed to dislodge his arm from his body during his 206th pitch in a 14-inning complete game. Section 112 will storm the field in an attempt to devour the severed arm, as that section will be filled with Republican Waukesha zombies who came in on a party bus. A zombie party bus.

In 2007, my car was the almost-victim of an attempted mass car hijacking. Luckily, that V6 totally saved its can (and mine)! In 2008, it was punched by a random angry person who was waiting for a bus while I was halted at a stoplight. I’m not sure why. Is this what one could call a ‘drive-by punching’? In 2009, I predict that my car will suffer something even more spectacular. Possibly a swarm of locusts will descend from a blizzard-torn sky and invade it while I’m driving over the Hoan Bridge. Perhaps a wayward car, filled with evil clowns armed with flaming, poisonous arrows will shoot my tires out, or maybe a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex will fall out of the sky to chomp my car into digested nonexistence with one mighty gulp. It can only get crazier from here. Maybe it’s the right time to become a part of this ‘biketopia’ I keep hearing about and only partially participate in, although a ‘ride-by punching’ sounds a lot more sinister. In 2009, I’m gonna keep my hands on the steering wheel and see what new adventure comes my way. Send in the clowns!

2009 will be horribly depressing. Not only will most of us continue to feel helplessly alone, but those who are fortunate enough to be in committed and loving relationships will discover that their love for their significant other has vanished, only to be replaced by bitter animosity. Our co-workers will become increasingly passive-aggressive, the once-pleasant commuters on buses and trains across America will shoot each other vicious and hostile looks on a daily basis. Our food will taste terrible after an increasingly health-conscious President Obama outlaws salt; the sun will cease to shine for a record 187 consecutive days and the world as a whole will never tire of reminding us how little our lives matter. On a personal note, I hope to gain more love and understanding for my fellow man.

Being French, as well as prescient as hell, I have been writing disturbingly accurate predictions in the form of quatrains for years.

In the year 2009 there will arise a new messiah
The likes of which has not been seen since America’s bicentennial.
His effectiveness will rival that of the farmer of the Arachis hypogaea.
Terror will be commonplace as a nation is duped, while her enemies dance with glee

In the three years before the end of the Mayan calendar.
The value of currency and goods will erode.
The economic structure will be reconfigured over and over.
The only thing of value will be entertainment, as the World mourns her own death.

As fuel becomes out of reach for common people
Evolution will intervene, as she does in such circumstances.
Providing all mankind with wings for flight.
With the exception of the Dutch, who deserve nothing

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