Chinese Democracy. LET’S DO THIS.

Fig.1: At least that godawful Asian-style font didn’t make it onto the album art, i guess

If you’re on top of pop culture, you’ve probably already listened to the new “Guns ‘n’ Roses” album, as it’s been streamable on the “G’N’R” MySpace since Thursday. Me, i listened to it for the first time while at work on Friday, but since i was in an office environment, cranking the muthafugga wasn’t really an option. I did, however, hear enough of it to know that Chuck Klosterman is on crack rock.

In his review of Chinese Democracy for The Onion, Klosterman (with whom i agree on some issues [the validity of hair metal as a genre] but disagree vehemently on others [the boneheaded contention that hair metal was valid essentially because it sold a lot of records]) attempts to mark the release of Axl Rose’s Citizen Kane Plan 9 From Outer Space as some sort of cultural turning point:

Chinese Democracy is (pretty much) the last Old Media album we’ll ever contemplate in this context—it’s the last album that will be marketed as a collection of autonomous-but-connected songs, the last album that will be absorbed as a static manifestation of who the band supposedly is, and the last album that will matter more as a physical object than as an Internet sound file. This is the end of that.

Uh…really? Says who? You?

Fig.2: It’s called a camera, Chuck. When i click this button, it will create an image of you. Like magic!

Oh, wait, i get it. Look at that photo…he’s totally stoned. That explains it.

But still, i really did enjoy his musings on Motley Crue in Fargo Rock City, so maybe i should give the album another listen, at home where i can hear everything, yes? After all, it may be impossible to review the album in a vacuum away from the 17 years of anticipation, or whatever the hell else Chuck contends, but in the end, it’s about whether or not it’s a good record–or at least, a passable listening experience. Granted, with this much time gone, “almost as good as Use Your Illusion” would likely be a success. So, blah blah, enough with the buildup–i’m gonna hit “play” on the MySpace player and blog my thoughts as i absorb that which we thought would never see the light of day, and that which many of us plain didn’t give a shit about. But hey, that’s what obsessing about pop culture is all about–caring about shit that ultimately is pointless. So join me, won’t you?

1. Chinese Democracy

Ok, opening reminds me of, like, “In the Beginning” from Shout at the Devil. I thought Axl hated the Crue? But in time, our nations grew weak, and our cities turned to slumswait, opening riff. Very processed. Ha! That first guitar lead totally sounds pasted over the top.

…Man, this already doesn’t sound like a band…at least, it sure doesn’t sound like one playing live. Ooh! Big explosion at the end! So dramatic! I’ll bet the pyros that go off during the concert at the end of this song are badass.

Holy shit, that opening noisy guitar is FUCKING RAD. …But it doesn’t belong anywhere on a Guns ‘n’ Roses record. A Nine Inch Nails record, maybe. What is that, a disco beat? Oh man, this is totally the Nine Inch Nails song Axl’s been wanting to write since “My World” at the end of Use Your Illusion II.

Ya know, the 90s really fucked with the hair metal dudes something fierce. They spent all of their childhoods and the 80s listening to KISS and the Stones and each other, and they weren’t paying any attention to what was going on in the indie world at all (which is ironic in Axl’s case since he at least has Duff in the band…you’d think Duff would have turned him on to some Fastbacks or something). So when the “alternative” boom happened, all these poor guys were stuck playing catch-up. “Oh man, this Trent guy is so innovative!” Yeah, Axl, that’s because you totally missed the boat on Big Black, buddy.

3. Better

Seriously, the vocals are so much higher than everything else in this mix, it feels like Axl singing karaoke over his own songs. [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK: 16 BARS] More 90s alternative flourishes. Man, he spent so much time catching up to the Alternative Nation that he still emerged 10 years behind. Let’s hope no one tells him about Jet or Wolfmother; when he figures out that they sold a bunch of records by sounding a decade behind G’N’R he’s gonna be PISSED.

4. Street of Dreams

Oh shit, ridic Elton John power ballad #1…oh! This is the one that was leaked previously and called “The Blues.” I’m not sure if this new title is much better. Wow, yeah, holy Elton John and Queen rip. Never mind what i said about Wolfmother, i guess Axl’s still in touch with his inner 70s child. Which, actually, is a good thing if you think about it. Man, i hope this is this year’s prom theme song back home in Hilbert, Wisconsin, pop.1000. That would kick so much ass.

5. If the World

Flamenco guitar over drum machine? HOLY FUCK THIS IS TOTALLY “STRIPSEARCH” BY FAITH NO MORE. Wow. WOW. OK, here’s one more way that Axl’s a decade late: all the terrible nu-metal bands that cited Mike Patton as an “influence” got big TEN YEARS AGO. And after Patton was all “yeah, those bands suck” a few of them got depressed and quit.

Frankly, this is weird to me. I mean, FNM toured with GNR and Metallica in ’91 or ’92 and spent the whole time making fun of Axl. OK, we’re far enough into the song that it’s stopped sounding like a Faith No More song, so i should probably let this go, but–wait, shit, no, the synths are back. Man, this is just weird. I’m not sure that if i were in his position i’d be borrowing ideas from musicians who ripped on me mercilessly when we were tourmates. But then, if i were in his position i wouldn’t wear my hair in fucking cornrows.

6. There Was a Time

Haha! Get it! The first letters of the title spell out TWAT! Haha! HaHAhaHAhaha! Oh, Axl. Oh, holy shit. You dildo.

Ya know, actually there’s a decent song buried somewhere underneath all this drum machine and overproduction and 7000 guitar and piano tracks. I really wonder how some of these would have sounded with the original band on them. Well, i suppose the drumming wouldn’t have been very even if Adler played on it…

7. Catcher in the Rye

Jesus Christ, we’re STILL on “There Was a Time?” This song is almost twelve minutes long? Jesus H. Bloat. Where’s my man Hench when we need him?

Oh, wait, it was only 6:40. I did the math wrong on the MySpace player. It only felt like twelve minutes.

7. Catcher in the Rye

More Queen. More really boring Queen. Fuck. Next.

8. Scraped

Hahahahaha, what the HELL is this opening? A bunch of stoned Sunset Strip broads trying to sing “aaaaa” in three different keys, one of them Z-minor. Jesus. More industrial metal riffs as played through an “80s hair metal midlife crisis” pedal–available now from the fine folks at Line 6!

9. Sorry

You fucking should be, Axl. This actually sounds like more half-assed Faith No More to me. This is seriously weirding me out. I’m not exactly thrilled by the implications of this. “Hey, DJ, which mainstream band would you say had the most influence on your aesthetic taste as an adult?” “Oh, Faith No More, easily.” “Really? The band that sounds like a washed-up Hollywood glam-rocker trying to be ‘alternative’ in 2008?” “…Yeah. Excuse me, i’m going to go cry myself softly to sleep now.”

Oh god, these lyrics! “You close your eyes/All well and good/I’ll kick your ass/Like I said that I would.” So deep.

10. Riad N’ The Bedouins

I don’t even know how to fucking pronounce this title. This opening sounds like one of those self-hypnosis tapes that help you quit smoking…and then goes into a fucking POSTER CHILDREN riff? Buh? “Imagine yourself next to a peaceful stream, where it’s too pure and tranquil to even consider smoking…and if you see Kay, tell her AAAAAAAAAAH!”

Woah, is that a pitch shifter pedal on the lead guitar near the end? Yes. Yes it is. Wtf, now the guitarist is trying to sound like Melt-Banana? Well, i suppose maybe if that was Buckethead…or Bumblefoot, or Flubbernuts, or whatever other dumbass names these guys give themselves.

11. I.R.S.

It doesn’t sound like this song is about former WWE wrestler Mike Rotundo, aka Irwin R. Shyster. Thus, i do not care.

This song is probably not about digitally-animated talking animals. It does start out with a HILARIOUS horn overture, though. God, this is really starting to hurt. Like, physically.

13. This I Love

Jesus Christ why am i doing this to myself.

14. Prostitute

The last track on Chinese Democracy opens with drum machine and a Jawbox riff. The sky is green, grass is blue, and Bud Light tastes like God’s own come. As i listen to this, let me wrap up by saying that Chuck Klosterman is officially a batshit lunatic for giving this pastiche of poop, turds and corn-speckled dung an A-. Jesus, no wonder Axl is a certified crackerjack these days–can you imagine working on this shit for 17 years and coming out intact on the other side?

This song sounds like “Estranged Part 2.” There better be fucking goddamn whales in the video.

Christ, i’m beaten. Tune in next time, when i live-blog my first impressions of Metallica’s Death Magnetic and slowly devour my own brain.