How I Learned to Love the Lunatics)

The lunatic fringe right wing of America is eating itself alive, and frankly, it’s cracking me up. Whether it’s the old lady claiming Obama’s an “Arab” (because suddenly there’s something wrong with that), crowds in Minnesota booing McCain when he insists no one should fear an Obama presidency, or–for fuck’s sake–a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota calling for investigations of her colleagues for “Un-American views,” the nutter contingent has gone completely around the bend, and as Obama extends his lead, their heads are this much closer to exploding, Scanners-style. Many of my friends have expressed all sorts of rage and disgust at the long-simmering ugliness that is bubbling to the surface these days, but me? I can’t help but laugh.

What else can you do but laugh? This ugliness has been there for the last eight years, or at least since September 11. It’s easy to hide racism and fear-mongering behind faux patriotism and demands for “security” when you feel like your team is solidly on the winning end (to say nothing about the sad state of affairs in America when people are more concerned with whether their team wins than with what’s best for America). But the Republicans’ politics of fear are finally being exposed with the ascent of their worst nightmare–a Black candidate with a foreign-sounding name who actually might live in the White House in 2009. HOLY SHIT, IT’S THE END TIMES! SAVE ME, JEEBUS!

The frayed ends of sanity exposed themselves perhaps the most nakedly while my band was out on the East Coast, driving in deep blue Maryland and Washington, DC. When you run out of stand-up on the iPod and get sick of the music you brought along, a surefire way to stay awake in the van is to listen to conservative talk radio (back when i went to work at 9, i’d listen to Charlie Sykes on my drive downtown. Laughing at the radio is better than coffee! Really!). And lemme tellya, if you think the right-wing loonies on the radio here in Milwaukee are off the chain, you should see how bonkers they’ve gone in states where the polling’s never been close. One dude we listened to in the Baltimore market went into a commercial break saying “i really wish the mainstream media would take a closer look at where Obama’s money is coming from, because i’m convinced a good chunk of it is coming from the Middle East.” …Really? Look, the average donation sent to the Obama campaign may be $86, but even that’s a little beyond the means of the working-class Al Qaeda grunt, isn’t it? Where’s the proof, Cowboy?

Watching the nutters implode, i can’t help but wonder about the effect it’s having on rational swing voters. Do you think, on the insane chance that there are still SOME people in America that haven’t decided whom to vote for yet, they look at these McCain/Palin hate rallies and react like when the earth found out that the aliens in the V miniseries were really big lizards that wanted to eat us? “Holy smokes, i thought these people represented mainstream America, but they’re batshit and want to swallow us whole!” Not that i’m expecting Sarah Palin to dislodge her jaw and toss a rat down her gullet or anything–it’s just a metaphor.

Fig.1: I SAID IT’S A METAPHOR

(By the way, western Maryland? Redder than McCain’s face when he’s calling his wife a cunt. For evidence, I present the t-shirt I found [and bought—come on, if we can’t co-opt the hate rhetoric of the other side for ironic gain, what’s left?] at a truck stop there, which read, in glorious Tales From the Crypt and Comic Sans fonts: “WATERBOARDING IS MY FAVORITE SPORT.” I’m more convinced than ever that if I opened a CafePress store filled with deadpan parodies of right-wing liberal-bashing, I’d make a mint off actual right-wing lunatics.)

Fig.2: USA! USA! …USA?

To all the poor, suffering mental patients finding themselves unable to resist shouting “terrorist!” and jeering at McCain/Palin rallies, or who find themselves unable to wrap their brains around the idea that not only is a man named “Barack Obama” not an “Arab,” but that it wouldn’t be a big deal if he were, take heart! I have the cure for what ails you—a Barack Obama victory and Presidency. When Obama doesn’t take the oath of office on the Qur’an (although that would be completely legitimite, as evidenced when Keith Ellison was sworn into Congress on Thomas Jefferson’s Qur’an); when he doesn’t open his first televised address to the American people with maniacal, villainous laughter; when he doesn’t introduce Osama bin Ladin as his Secretary of Blowin’ Shit Up; when 2016 arrives and the country hasn’t been atomized by Iran’s imaginary nook-yoo-lar arsenal and Obama’s STILL not breathing through a black Sith mask; maybe all the loonies and the racists and the frothy-mouthed sycophants will chill the fuck out and realize that no, Obama is not the antichrist and we are not living in the End Times. Hell, look at 2004–i was just as convinced as anyone on November 3 that Iran and Syria were about to be annexed, our televisions would start monitoring us for suspiciously “un-American” activities (like watching MSNBC rather than FOX News), and metal coat hangers were about to make a huge comeback. But here we are in 2008 and none of my coat hangers have been anywhere near a vagina. Sure, the economy’s in the shitter, but if the dead aren’t walking the Earth, what’s to worry?

I grew up a closed-minded Catholic who thought that homosexuals were sinners–until i went to college and the first person who befriended me was a gay male student, and i immediately thought “wait, he’s totally fine. I’m an idiot,” and that was that. The cure for prejudice is to be confronted with the object of the prejudice.

It’s gonna be ok, righties. If we could (barely) survive an eight year fundamentalist alcoholic shit-fit masquerading as a presidency, you’ll survive a black dude with a funny name in the Oval Office. Vote Obama and call me in the morning (just not at 3 AM; I’m not the one qualified. Call Barack for that shit).

(If you are still a little high-strung with regard to the truly vile crap being spewed from the lunatic fringe these days, here’s a ray of hope for you. My friend Chuck posted this today. It’s a video showing Muslim voters for McCain confronting a member of said fringe and refusing to put up with his shit. It’s encouraging.)