Green is the new black

“In 60 seconds, you can make toast, water a fichus, take a power nap and, now, save the Earth.”

That’s heavy stuff, especially coming from renowned global climate expert Cameron Diaz. She’s teamed up with Al Gore on his latest megalomedia campaign, 60 Seconds to Save the Earth, a contest where young people can submit video shorts meant to “inspire change.”

“Because the planet needs a good publicist,” is the tagline, delivered with a big smile by JT’s sometimes main squeeze. Plus the winners earn neat, energy-consuming electronics or even a hybrid SUV!

I feel better already. It seems like Al’s back on track to change the course of global environmental decay. His worldwide Live Earth concert was a total bust with its insanely high cost (the citizens of Hamburg, in fact, are stuck with a $1.3 million tab from their event), insulting resource consumption (the private jets for artists alone used enough fuel to fly around the world over nine times), unforgivable lack of focus (no money was raised) and even lackluster ratings.

I was also a little worried when the news media outed him for his scandalous personal consumption of energy. It really was pretty lame when he justified his 20-room Nashville estate by bleating that he and Tipper both work from home. It doesn’t count anyway, he added, because they buy “carbon offsets,” paying to have trees planted elsewhere. And the zinc mine on his property continually cited for dumping toxic chemicals into a nearby river and from which he receives about $20,000 a year? Fear not, Green Warriors, the mine was closed in 2003 so he’s all done with that little embarrassment. Just don’t ask him about the shares in Occidental Petroleum he continues to manage for his family. That’s none of your business.

And that’s what this is all quickly boiling down to, isn’t it? Celebrities jumping on yet another bandwagon, donning hemp t-shirts and organic cotton jeans to show their solidarity with Mother Earth. The “in” crowd is batting around terms like “carbon offsetting” and “biodiversity” at cocktail parties by chlorinated pools, having arrived in their Escalades. For the rest of us who want to appear socially conscious, there’s the industrious J.C. Piscine Company, also out of Nashville (they make both the Jesus fish and the Darwin fish – clever!). They can’t keep fake hybrid badges that go on the backs of cars on the shelves. The weekly shipping alone could probably supply Africa’s U’wa tribe with electricity for a year.

Do I seem bitter? I am, a little. Everything we do as individuals will have negligible overall impact on our climate. Change must come from the big polluters, so it appears we’re pretty much at the mercy of commerce.

What can we do while we’re waiting? First, it can’t hurt to familiarize ourselves with some popular terms from the Green Movement. Awareness begins at home, after all, and it’s always nice to be able to understand what the stars are talking about. It’s a short list, but I think it hits the high points.

Acid Rain: Rain containing strong mineral acids (primarily sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides).

Alternative Energy/Fuel: Energy from a source other than fossil-fuel.

Biodegradable: Primarily natural waste, able to be absorbed back into the ecosystem.

Biodiversity: A wide range of species of animals, plants, fungi and microorganisms.

Biosphere: The part of the Earth and its atmosphere that can support life.

Carbon Dioxide (CO2): Odorless gas commonly caused by respiration, used to measure ventilation adequacy.

Carbon Footprint: Individual measure of CO2 emitted by fossil fuel consumption.

Carbon Offsetting: Offsetting one’s own greenhouse gas emissions, i.e., planting trees to compensate for fuel consumption.

Ecosystem: Interconnected and symbiotic grouping of animals, plants, fungi and micro-organisms that sustains life.

Emissions: The release of gases, liquids and/or solids from any process.

Environmental Footprint: The amount of nonrenewable resources one consumes, and the wastes and emissions generated in the process.

Environmental Impact: Any change to the environment wholly or partially resulting from human activity or natural disasters.

Global Warming: Rising air temperature in the lower atmosphere due to heat trapped by greenhouse gases including water vapor, CO2, methane, nitrous oxide and ozone.

Greenhouse Effect: Warming of Earth’s surface and lower atmosphere as a result of carbon dioxide and water vapor in the atmosphere.

Greenwash: When an organization falsely presents an environmentally responsible public image.

Ozone Hole: A thinning break in the ozone layer. Designation of an ozone hole” is made when the amount of depletion exceeds 50 percent.

Ozone (O3 ): Naturally occurring gas which builds up in the lower atmosphere as smog pollution; in the upper atmosphere it forms a protective layer that shields the earth from excessive exposure to damaging ultraviolet radiation.

Strategic Consumption: Making purchasing choices to lessen one’s environmental footprint.

Sustainability: A state that can be maintained at a certain level indefinitely.