The road to hell by, by any other name

It’s time for me to admit it – I am one of those moms. By that, I mean I make mistakes with my kids. And the mistakes I make are classics – the ones we all swore we would never make. When you’re pregnant with your first baby, you make a list of things you know you will do for your child. And most of us make a list of things that will never happen. In light of a few particularly painful recent gaffes on my part, now may be a good time to remind us all that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Last weekend we celebrated Emma’s 9th birthday. She had a fairy party with a few of her friends on Saturday. Sunday evening, we had a big family birthday dinner for her, complete with ice cream cake and presents. I felt like we had covered it all. I felt like a good mom. But then she came home from school with a giant “Happy Birthday” sticker on her shirt. Her brother said, “Whose birthday did you have at school today?” and I heard Emma answer, “It was supposed to be mine.” That’s when I realized I had forgotten birthday treats. Completely forgotten – didn’t even register on my radar. Of course, today I tried to make it up to her by supplying enough Pudding Pops to feed a small army. She seems to be okay with this, but I am traumatized.

Earlier this month, my first grader Jeffrey had to make his “All About Me” book to present to his class. He needed a collection of pictures of himself, starting from when he was a newborn and spanning his short little life. I pulled out the box of family photos (all jumbled and unorganized – another confession for another time) and went through nearly a hundred packets of photos. To fill the page titled “When I was born,” I was able to produce a picture of Jeffrey taken when he was 9 minutes old, a studio photo of him when he was two months old and then some photos of his first birthday party. He had a good time looking at the thousands of pictures of his older sisters, but he did wonder out loud where all the pictures of him were – several times. I wondered, too, and told him that I was sure I had just packed them in a different box. The truth is I’m not sure there are any more pictures of his first year.

But wait, there’s more!

1. I don’t always make the kids eat vegetables. Every night at dinner, they are offered fruit and veggies. They have to pick one and they have to eat what they pick. But it often happens that for several days in a row no one picks a vegetable. I don’t push it. I didn’t like vegetables as a kid and I do now. I’m hoping they grow into it.

2. I lose my temper sometimes about things that are not their fault. And to make it worse, I often blame it on hormones. This has happened enough times that they now understand when I try to explain away my bad behavior with the phrase, “This is just not a very good time for me.”

3. When I make unpopular decisions, I often justify it by saying, “Because I said so!” Is there any more pathetic statement a parent can make? And yet I know that as their mother, sometimes I have to just put a quick end to the negotiation attempts, and this has proven to be the most effective way. I’m not proud, but sometimes the ends justify the means.

There are, of course, more things of which I’m not proud. No mother comes through the fire feeling like she has truly done everything right, unless she is out of touch with reality. At the end of the day, though, I try to remind myself that these mistakes trouble me far more than they trouble the kids. I have my Lena, who is almost 12 and is already the favored neighborhood babysitter, because she is just that good. I have my Emma, whose art has been featured here in VITAL Source and selected for the Wauwatosa Art Show several times, because she is also just that good. And I have my Jeffrey, who is so sweet and so in touch with his emotions that he can tell me, “Hey Mama, I’m okay, I’m just having issues right now.” While I know that I am not entirely responsible for my children’s amazing qualities, I also remind myself that it can’t all be coincidence. I must be doing all right. VS