Pelosi’s secret sauce

I have to concur with Matt Wild – Nancy Pelosi is hot. I, too, found myself, just last night, having fevered dreams of a vague nature that involved Ms. Pelosi’s famous smile and those burning brown eyes. Granted, these same dreams were also rife with broader symbolism – my son missing his train to Iowa today, my dog peeing all over the floor as I entertain 25 people for Thanksgiving and Newt Gingrich’s hair. Maybe these dreams are the by-product of sleeping on a heating pad. Or maybe they’re really tied to broader fears of failure and embarassment.

Pelosi stands in the doorway of history. Not just in the most obvious way, as the first woman to serve as Speaker of the House, but also as an elected official who holds in her hand the power to influence the re-connection of a nation as severely divided as at any time in the memory of its living citizens. Her stated commitment to ethics has already been shaken by what the media is casting as personal loyalty over broad stewardship (as evidenced by her failed bid to install John Murtha as Majority leader and her backing of an impeached and convicted Federal judge for chair of the House Intelligence committee). She is seeing firsthand that her actions will be watched around the world and not just on the Hill, and conservative bloggers and Op-Ed writers are already sharpening their pitchforks for a good old-fashioned character assassination.

But I believe in Nancy Pelosi, because she’s got a secret weapon that has yet to be taken into account. I know this weapon not only exists, but will come to play a major role in her ability to herd the cats of the House into the corral. To me, it’s as plain as the nose on her Romanesque face, and anyone who thinks they can take her on and win is wasting time and energy better spent falling into line and working for the bipartisanship this country so badly needs. For those of you without my crystal vision, I’ll share what some of us already know: Ms. Pelosi is Italian.

When attempting to figure this woman out, it is absolutely imperative that this facet of her makeup not be ignored. I can personally tell just by looking at pictures of her that she possesses the paisano triple-threat in abundance: she’s beautiful, matriarchal and used to getting her way. Her primary goal is to be effective, and nobody can bend an exchange to their own purposes like an Italian on a mission. She will listen, flatter, cajole and compromise. She will make her associates feel valued – if that’s what works. If that doesn’t work, she will threaten, punish and call out her detractors with quiet righteousness. And if, somehow, she still finds herself in a backslide, she will resort to the most powerful weapon in the arsenal of the Italian woman. She will express her disappointment. She will roll her eyes heavenward and then down with a heavy sigh. She will remind her audience of the hopes that not only she, but everyone, had for whatever initiative is under discussion. She will let her hands flutter just a little. It will be terrible to see, and we’ll all feel really bad. We’ll want her to feel better. In the end, we’ll force whoever is causing her pain to give her what she wants.

It’s true that there have been instances in history when even this virtually infallible tool of diplomacy has failed to produce the desired results. But Pelosi, I have complete confidence, will remain undaunted. Should her best efforts at better governing through matriarchy fail, there’s always the tax evasion and racketeering card to be played upon her enemies. And don’t even bother to look for her to be connected to any charges brought. A good Italian woman knows to keep her hands clean and her house in order. When murky deeds are required to forward the greater good, she calls her uncles.

P.S. To any Italians inclined to feign offense at this missive, I say this: Settle down. I am Italian, and if you are too, you know I’m right.