Having THE Talk
By Lucky Tomaszek
You just never know when it’s going to happen. You can be standing in line at the grocery store with your child, or walking into the exam room at your doctor’s office. Perhaps you’re lucky and you’re at home with no one around to watch you blush and fumble as you realize that it’s happening: your child is asking you about sex.
Different kids ask about it at different ages and for different reasons. Sometimes a relative or close friend is expecting a baby, or sometimes they’ve heard a whisper or rumor at school. Occasionally, they’ve seen pets, wild animals, or even (gasp!) their parents actually having sex. Whatever the reason, they’re curious and they want to know everything.
Making an important choice
When I was in elementary school, it was very popular to give children a book when the questions started. During the 1970s and into the 80s, several feel-good, body-positive books were written to meet the demand. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle is a good example of these. But I remember talking to friends who had received a book in response to their inquiries. All of them felt like the underlying message from their well-meaning parents was, “I don’t really want to talk about this.”
The question then becomes, how do we have this conversation? Not just “How do we survive it?” (which is a valid concern), but how do we handle it smoothly, while leaving all of the parties with their dignity intact?
How much is too much?
In our house, the kids are exposed to the circle of life very early. As a midwife, I have pregnant women coming in for prenatal care all the time, so the kids have been curious since an early age. It started with, “Why is her belly so big?”
That’s an easy one. “She has a baby in her belly” satisfied my inquisitor for a while.
Later I was approached again. “Mama? How did the baby get in there?”
Okay, Lucky. Deep breath. Fortunately, I quickly remembered a rule I had read in a mainstream parenting magazine years before. Answer these hard questions as briefly as possible. Children will ask for more information if they’re ready for it.
“It grew there,” I responded.
“Will it come out?”
“Yes,” I nodded reassuringly.
“When?”
“Around Christmas,” I sighed with relief as I realized that this was the end of this round of questions. But I knew then that I was going to need to be ready with more information soon, because once this line of questions starts, they usually keep on coming.
Use your words!
Because we want our children to grow up being proud of themselves and respectful of their bodies, their dad and I started using anatomically correct language with them from the very beginning.
But when you give your children the proper names for things, you give them the power to control their own bodies without any confusion. If you break it down, it’s really easy. Boys have a scrotum and a penis. Girls have a vulva and a vagina. That’s it – two parts each. Not so scary if everyone in the house is using the same words.
Breathe, smile and hold on
Eventually, you’re going to have to come clean with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I still remember the day my oldest finally said to me, “Yes, I know. But how does the sperm get in the uterus?” Even though I had been practicing this speech in my head since she was a little girl just starting to get curious, I had to take a moment before I could answer.
I reviewed all the rules I had made for myself: Answer the questions as honestly as possible and use all the correct words without divulging more than she’s ready for. I smiled as broadly as possible and motioned for her to follow me to the kitchen. If we were going to have this conversation, we were going to need ice cream – and a lot of laughs. Remembering my own early adolescent years, I knew that after we covered the basics of reproduction, there would be more questions down the line. Most likely, they’re going to be even harder than this one. VS
