Will Durst
Durst

The State of the Union Drinking Game!

By - Jan 25th, 2011 04:00 am
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THE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA 2011 STATE OF THE UNION DRINKING GAME!

NEEDED TO PLAY:

Four taxpayers of any gender:

  • 1 rich white banker- type wearing dark suit with loosened tie;
  • 2 ordinary folks in jeans, 1 in a blue or flannel work shirt, the other in a white shirt, sleeves rolled up;
  • 1 poor, bedraggled person wearing clothes that look like they were retrieved from the bottom of a rodeo dumpster behind the animal performer stalls

Supplies

  • 1 living room with a TV tuned to the State of the Union Address.
  • 1 shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, scattering array on coffee table in front of TV. Banker gets first choice for use during game. White shirt picks next, then work shirt. Banker pockets last shot glass as well, and Rags either rents it from him, steals a replacement from the kitchen or drinks out of own cupped hands.
  • 3 packages of steamed Vienna Beef Chicago style hot dogs in the middle of table with butter-grilled buns, tomatoes, onions, and some of that weird neon green relish.
  • 1 bottle of bourbon.
  • A large stash of beer in cans on ice: Rags gets whatever is on sale, like Keystone Light or Natural Ice. Banker gets import of choice. Jeans get whatever they want, but have to buy all the beer, bourbon, hot dogs and condiments AND carry the groceries by themselves.

RULES OF THE GAME

*Each player antes up 25 bucks cash. Except Banker, who tosses in an I.O.U., and Rags who everybody just avoids making eye contact with.

* Every time Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, everybody has to drink 2 shots of beer. If he talks about the lessons of Tucson, the last person to throw their arms in the air, fall to their knees and shout “Hallelujah!” has to drink an entire beer.

* Everybody has to drink 2 shots of beer whenever John Boehner appears to cry, and 1 shot of bourbon if he breaks down sobbing and disappears entirely from view.

* Every time Barack H. Obama says “Democratic leadership,” the first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking 2 shots of beer. Everybody else drinks.

* If either Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner is seen nodding off on camera, last person to start singing “Wake Up, Little Susie” has to drink 3 shots of beer.

* If the President says the State of the Union is good, but could be better, the last person to eat a fully accoutered hot dog has to drink 1 shot of bourbon.

* Whenever the President defends ObamaCare, everybody drinks 2 shots of beer. If he mentions Congress voting to repeal it, drink a whole beer and throw hot dogs at the television. The first person to hit Nancy Pelosi in the head is exempt from having to drink 2 shots of bourbon. Everybody else drinks.

* If the President relates a touching, heartfelt story of a supporter who was denied a decent education, Rags gets to kick everybody else once; twice if the subject of the anecdote is in the audience; three times if he or she is sitting next to a 2-star general.

* Every time President Barack Obama talks about his resolve and adopts a frowny look with his brow all furrowed and stuff, drink 1 shot of beer.

* If the Chief Executive winks at or points at Michelle, all 4 players sword fight with hot dogs. Those left with an intact weenie does not have to eat an entire shot glass full of that weird green relish.

* If the president mentions the Chinese President by name, the last person to ask “Who’s that?” has to drink 2 shots of beer.

EXTRAS:
• Optional: Have all players drink with left hand, unless left-handed. If they are caught drinking with their dominant hand, they must watch the entire Republican response without drinking at all.

• If the Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal appears on screen at any time, stop drinking immediately.

•Banker takes home money, shot glasses and bourbon. The I.O.U. is discarded.

•Leftover beer and hot dogs go home with Rags after he/she finishes washing the dishes.

Will Durst is a Milwaukee native and San Francisco-based political comedian who writes sometimes: This is an example. Coming soon from Ulysses Press: Where the Rogue Things Go! Pre-order your copy at Amazon.

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