In which DJ gets Revenge Rapped upon
‘Twas the Wednesday before the band’s 10th anniversary show at Cactus Club. I was spending my evening on the computer doing my usual rounds — posting stuff to Fan-belt, scrolling Facebook, looking for photos of Lizzie Caplan for later (it’s not just a “she’s hot” thing — she’s 8 years younger than me, which means we’re totally compatible according to the Chinese Zodiac. Tigers and dogs, man! I’m just researching my destiny) … er, when the phone rang. The caller ID said “unknown number,” so I let it go to voice mail, because I’m not always so good with bills. But when I checked the message later, I immediately regretted not picking up the phone.
“YEAH, DR. AWKWARD! THIS IS RAP MASTER MAURICE!”
Rap Master Maurice is our nation’s premier revenge rapper (I would go out on a limb and say he’s the world’s premier revenge rapper, but hip-hop is very big in Finland and I haven’t done my research). One look at his website is all you need to know about the man:
BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE?
TERRIBLE MEAL AT A RESTAURANT?
TIRED OF A WORN OUT RELATIONSHIP?
WAYWARD RELATIVE OWES YOU MONEY?
UNABLE TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE?
MAURICE IS ON THE JOB!
Rap Master Maurice is willing to VIGILANTE MIND BATTLE RAP CALL anybody who has done you wrong. Simply PayPal $12 and give a brief explanation of the trouble and you’re EVEN STEPHEN. Do it now because soon it will cost $17 and you will say to yourself, “I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN IT WAS $12”.
Your $12 payment includes justice, peace of mind and a medium quality MP3 file emailed to you in a timely manner!
Later that evening, that thing was done, and it was beautiful. Click on the player below to hear for yourself; as soon as you hear “My name’s Maurice and I’m here to say,” you know you’re in for some of the finest vigilante mind battling $19 can buy.
I’m not saying that the band or I received any other bandiversary gifts (other than a tingling sensation in my hands that lasted the entire day after our show and four screaming band-wide hangovers), but it was the best bandiversary gift a dorky singing drummer could have hoped for. I’m just pissed that I didn’t pick up the phone; that mp3 would have been way funnier with me in the background occasionally reacting to Maurice’s stone cold disses with a genuine “aw HELL naw!” or “Oh no you did-en!”
Rap Master Maurice provides a solid, reliable service. I highly suggest you consider him the next time a celebrity files charges against you. (You HEAR THAT, Lizzie? “500 feet” my ass.)